I was relieved when his expression changed, and he hugged me to him and pushed through the crowd to the exit. I kept looking over and noticing how strange he was acting, and it made me want to cry, but I knew that wasn’t the moment. When we got outside, I turned my back. Maybe I did need that breath of fresh air. I was dizzy, even though I hadn’t drunk a drop. Reality was weighing down on me like a ton of bricks.
“Jen?”
I didn’t turn, but I could feel him coming closer. If he didn’t touch me, it was because he didn’t know how I’d react, not because he didn’t want to.
In my head, I saw him taking coke again, and I closed my eyes as I heard him say, “Please, say something to me. Anything.”
He touched my arm timidly, as if hoping to hold me back, and continued, “I didn’t want you to find out this way.”
He was still pale, and he looked upset, and I snapped: “How the hell did you want me to find out? Drugs, Ross? Really?”
“It’s not such a big deal!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or both. I tried to step away, but he grabbed the sleeve of his jacket. He looked desperate as he told me, “I can quit whenever I want. It’s just something I do when I party, when other people bring it. It’s not a habit, Jen, you’ve got to trust me!”
“If it’s not such a big deal,” I challenged him, “then how about you swear to me here and now that you’ll never do it again?”
As he stalled, a gray car screeched to a stop beside us. Will jumped out and hurried over, and Jack asked, looking betrayed, “Did you call him?”
“Of course I did, I was worried,” I said. “And something’s wrong with you. You need help!”
Wil tried to grab him, and Jack pushed him away. I was surprised by how strong he seemed, even when he could barely stand. “Fuck you both!” he shouted, “I don’t need a damn babysitter, OK? I can take care of myself.”
“Dude, just get in the car and stop being an asshole,” Will said wearily. I guessed this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. They argued, then Will convinced him to get in the back seat and motioned for me to do the same. I didn’t love the idea, but I also didn’t want to fight about it. As I sat down, I noticed Jack barely moved. When the car took off, Will asked me to buckle Jack’s seatbelt, and Jack snapped, “I can do it myself!”
I ignored him, leaning across the seat as he let his head fall backward. He was white as a sheet, and I worried he was about to puke. After buckling him up, I scooted in close in case he might need me and asked if he was all right. When he didn’t answer, I continued, “Can you hear me?”
He grunted and turned toward the window.
“Just leave him,” Will said.
Jack’s chest rose and fell, and he shifted like a person having a nightmare. I was terrified. I had no idea what he was going through. When we parked, Will lifted him out of the car and helped him walk to the elevator.Jack looked up a few times, but his head kept sinking, and as soon as we were in the apartment, he collapsed in a heap on the couch and started snoring. Will turned him on his side, put a pillow under his head, threw a blanket over him, and took off his shoes. I just stood there like an idiot the whole time.
When I asked if I could help, Will said, “Trust me, it’s best to just leave him. As long as he’s on his side, we don’t have to worry about him aspirating. Will you stay with him a minute? I need to let Naya know we’re OK.”
I nodded, but stopped him. “Did you know he’s been doing drugs?”
With a somber expression, Will replied, “Yes, and I know what you’re thinking. And yes, we’ve tried to help him, Jenna. More times than you can imagine. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. All you can do is try to make sure he’s all right and be there for him when he comes around. Now hold on, I’ll be right back.”
Wondering what it meant to make sure someone was all right, I turned back to Jack and saw him rubbing his eyes with his hands. He was awake, if barely.
“Feeling better?” I asked for some reason.
“It sucks that Will’s such a party pooper. We were having fun.”
“You were having too much fun,” I told him.
He grinned. I didn’t. Before I could add anything, Will came back in and recommended I sleep in Jack’s bedroom that night.
I lay there a long time awake, feeling turmoil at the memories I’d spent a year trying to forget. The dresser, the closet, the posters, the trophies, the balcony… I’d never have guessed how much I’d missed all that. Nothing had changed in there but the scent, musty, dull. I could tell Jack didn’t go there much, that it had mostly sat empty, and that saddened me.
I didn’t get much sleep. I tossed and turned, and when the sun rose, Igave it up. I didn’t get out of bed, though. I didn’t have the courage to face what was awaiting me in the living room. Not, at least, until I heard someone come in and start moving things around, opening doors. It reminded me of that night Mike had come in, and Jack had thought he was a burglar. Could it be him again? I stood and looked at myself in the mirror in my baggy shorts, my T-shirt, and my red socks. It wasn’t the most flattering outfit, but what the hell.
When I walked into the living room, I saw Jack opening and closing drawers in the kitchen, looking behind furniture, digging through the books on the shelves. He was frantic, and, unsure what to say, I just stood there watching him, feeling like an idiot. When he realized I was there, he turned and stared, acting startled, before finally asking with a furrowed brow, “What are you doing here?”
“I heard you moving all this stuff around…”
“No, I mean what are you doing in my apartment?”
