He looked from me to his mother. That hard, angry facade started to crumble. He clenched his teeth to keep us from knowing what he was thinking. It didn’t matter, though. He was an open book to me. Looking at the ground, he murmured, “All I wanted was for you to protect me, Mom.”
I had looked down, too, to keep myself from crying, and I didn’t see Mary’s expression as she said, “I’m sorry, Jack. You needed a mother, and I wasn’t that for you.”
“I wanted someone to let me know I wasn’t alone,” he said.
“Jack,” Mary responded, “I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll do anything to be sure you never feel that way again. Not you, not Mike, not anyone in our family. I swear. Just give me a chance. Just one chance.”
Jack lifted his head, and Mary started to take a step toward him, but then stopped. When she’d gathered her courage and finally wrapped her arms around him, Jack didn’t pull away. He even rested his face against her shoulder.
Agnes sighed. “If I’d known the night was going to turn out this way, I’d have drunk a bottle of wine myself.”
Mike laughed nervously. Mary grimaced at the two of them, and Jackwalked out onto the back porch. The cold didn’t seem to bother him as he continued toward the dock, where he walked back and forth, alone. I started to follow him, but Mary stopped me. “Leave him alone a while,” she advised me. “He needs to decompress. I do, too. I’m going to head upstairs. Between the argument and the alcohol, my head’s spinning…”
“I’ll join you up there,” Agnes said, taking off the Santa Claus hat she’d been wearing. “I’m too old for these kinds of family feuds.”
On her way out, Mary whispered something to Mike, who nodded. When they were gone, and Mike was staring out the window at his brother, I told him, “You know, if you need to talk to him alone, I’ll leave you here.”
“Don’t feel like you have to run and hide, Jenna.”
“It’s fine,” I told him. “I should try to get some rest anyway.”
As I left the room, I heard the patio door open. I don’t know what Mike and Jack talked about. When my curiosity got the best of me and I looked out the window, all I could see was Jack kneeling down and clutching his head in both hands and Mike there next to him on the snowy ground, concentrating. I took off my glasses, put on my pajamas, and got into Jack’s bed. Everything that happened swirled in my mind briefly, but in an instant, I was asleep.
It was still dark when I opened my eyes and felt Jack getting into bed. His hands were frozen as he hugged me, but I didn’t complain. I felt the tension drain out of him as he held me close and rested his cheek on mine.
For the first time in a while, it felt honest for us to touch each other, and I savored it a moment before turning toward him. I could see the tears on his cheeks glistening in the moonlight.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’m sorry, too,” I said.
“I don’t like the way we’ve been lately, and I don’t like us spending so much time apart. I’ll drop the traveling and—”
“Stop, Jack,” I interrupted him. “What’s been going on with us these months has nothing to do with you going away.”
“It hasn’t helped.”
“But it’s your job. And even if you weren’t working, I’d still be in school. I don’t want any of this to change, and you shouldn’t, either. This is our life. We have to learn to deal with it.”
He thought this over, and, unsure what else to say, I ran my finger along the top of his knuckles and held his hand. “I saw you talked to Mike.”
“He’s the one who talked, really,” Jack said. “I just listened. You know how hard it is for him to shut up.”
I laughed softly. Jack pulled me into him again. It wasn’t a time for words, but even without them, I slept more calmly than I had in months.
21
Jay and Ellie
This is going to sound bad.
Terrible, actually.
But the better and better Jack and Mike got along, the more I started to resent their relationship.
Or not their relationship exactly. More like the effect it had on everyone else. Jack loved to joke around and laugh, and all of Mike’s jokes were based on getting on other people’s nerves. That made a terrible combination. Whenever they were together, Sue was screaming at them to get out, Naya was shrieking about how she needed peace and quiet for her baby, Will was defending Naya, and I was locked up in the bedroom with my headphones on trying to ignore it all.
I was worried about Naya. She was ready to pop, and I couldn’t help but fear Jack or Mike would do something stupid and her water would break right there on the couch.
