I thought he was in France! When I asked what he was doing back, they told me he had gone there and had started his studies, but then a good opportunity had come up in the US. He had a film coming out in three weeks, and he had gotten all kinds of press. So he’d made it. And yet…if things were going so great, why did it feel like bad news? I didn’t know, but I wasn’t going to wait for explanations. I jumped up and grabbed my suitcase, which I’d left by the fridge. I needed to go, now.
Naya ran over to intercept me, but I warned her to stay where she was. She had lied to me. I’d sworn I would only come if I knew I wouldn’t run into him, and she had told me that was no problem. She tried to apologize, but I cut her off: she had done this on purpose. I was going home. This had been a terrible idea, a horrible idea, right from the beginning.I should have stayed in my comfort zone with my grandmother, even if half the people in my hometown hated me. Why should I care? At least I wouldn’t have to run into Jack there, and I wouldn’t have to see the person I used to love replaced by some almost-famous director getting ready to make his big splash.
Will called out, “Jenna, don’t rush. Maybe you don’t have to go. There must be a solution…” As he continued musing and Naya went on apologizing, the front door opened, and we all froze. I was holding my suitcase, but I didn’t dare move an inch as I heard those heavy, slow steps approaching. A ring of keys landed on the bar, skidded to the edge, but didn’t fall. Only one person tossed his keys like that.No…
“Ross!” Naya shouted, trying to sound enthusiastic.
He hadn’t noticed me, and I watched him from behind as he pulled off his jacket, looking at everyone and surely wondering why they all were acting strange. My heart was beating so hard I could feel it banging into my ribs. There he was, just a few feet away…and I wanted to reach out and touch him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to tell him why I’d done what I’d done the year before, ask him why he hadn’t called me back, find out whether he’d really forgotten me, and just know he was OK. But I couldn’t, because he beat me to the punch, asking his roommates sarcastically, “What?”
I’d never heard him use that tone before, but the rest of them didn’t seem remotely surprised. He asked Lana what she was doing there. Good lord, he sounded harsh! That wasn’t like Jack. What was going on?
“Naya invited me,” Lana said wearily, as if they’d been through this dozens of times. “In case you forgot, she lives here too.”
“Speaking of guests,” Naya butted in, looking over at me, “there’s, uh, something you should know.”
I could tell things were about to go south. Jack could tell something bad was happening, Will was trying to calm him down, Sue announcedshe’d had no part in this and Jack shouldn’t blame her. I got tired of the tension and heard myself say, “Hi.” A horrible silence followed.
My voice was soft, but it shut everyone up, and I saw the muscles tense in Jack’s back as he froze. Will looked back and forth between us as Jack turned in slow motion. His hair was short, his beard had grown in slightly, and his expression was…different. He had bags under his eyes, he looked weary. How long had it been since he’d gotten a good night’s sleep?
That was the last thing I asked myself before my mind went blank. His stare was nothing like it had been a year before. If you didn’t know, you’d have said he hated me. Every pore in his body oozed contempt. Disdain. And despite myself, I could understand why.
I wanted to retreat, but I kept my composure. He looked me over from head to foot, and I felt a long-forgotten electric charge run through me. I wrung my fingers and opened my mouth, but I couldn’t make myself break the silence. He was perplexed, and I was too, and I needed him to say something. I walked toward him, and he almost flinched. That brought him back to reality, and he looked away as Naya murmured, “Surprise?”
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, and that frightened me, and I closed my eyes.
“Fuck,” he grunted, grabbing his things and slamming the door on the way out.
3
Of Nights and Bars
Jack didn’t come back, and nobody seemed surprised. I was the exception. When night fell, I lay on the sofa and stared at the ceiling, and I couldn’t get the way he’d looked at me out of my head. Had he felt sorrow, fear, anger? I still wasn’t sure. Maybe it was all three, maybe something else.
Anyway, it wasn’t good, and my only consolation was to hug Spot tight and imagine Owen sleeping soundly and doing the same. When I opened my eyes the next morning, Will was in the kitchen making breakfast. He didn’t seem preoccupied. I asked him what was up with Jack.
“I’m not his babysitter, Jenna. He’s a grown-up, he knows what he’s doing, and when he decides he wants to talk, he’ll show up.”
I took that to mean Jack flipping out and leaving was nothing new. I didn’t like the sound of that, though I didn’t know why. I mean, he was right, Jack was an adult. But still…
It was a Monday morning, and I had a week till classes started, so I decided to take the light rail to the campus that had been my whole world the year before. On the way, I answered text messages from my siblings. I didn’t mention seeing Jack.
I liked the feeling of familiarity when I arrived: the old station, the lawn by the administration building, the library, the bars, the school ofarts and letters, where I’d taken my classes… The dorm was just past it, and I walked over. The feminist banner that had been there before was gone, replaced by a new one in favor of animal rights. I climbed the stairs with a smirk on my face. Nothing inside had changed. Even the front desk was the same, with a blond guy in huge glasses trying to hide the cell phone he’d been playing Candy Crush on just before.
I was about to speak when I noticed something: Chris was talking with Jack.
I could tell even from behind. He hadn’t even changed clothes. He was wearing a black jacket and dirty white sneakers, leaning against the counter, exhausted. When he was tired, he got in a bad mood.
And I was pretty sure I was about to make it worse.
I tried to escape but didn’t make it before Chris looked up and smiled. “Hey, Jenna!”
Mission not accomplished.
There was no point in trying to avoid it now, and I stiffened as they both turned, forcing a smile that must have looked alarming. I tried to say I could come back in a minute, but Chris was already waving me over, saying, “Come here…where do you think you’re going?”
I looked hesitantly at Jack, at his elbows resting on the surface of the counter, at his fingers playing distractedly with a pen.He hasn’t slept, I thought, but then, I’d thought that the day before, too. So maybe he just always looked exhausted now. It was hard to say.
I didn’t want to complicate things, but I didn’t know how to extract myself from this situation without making everything worse. Staying in Jack’s apartment seemed out of the question, but it was also awkward to beg Chris to try to pull strings for me with campus housing when Jack was standing right there in front of me.
