“Do you know something?” he asked softly. “You called me by my name tonight. That’s the first time you’ve said it again since I’ve been home.”
“No, it isn’t,” Jane protested. Surely she’d used his given name at Ankerwycke, or when they were talking during the race.
“I’m very sure,” he insisted. “You’ve always called me ‘Lieutenant’ until right then.”
The implication made her uneasy. As did the notion that he’d been keeping track, waiting for some sign that she’d lowered her guard.
“I’ve missed you, Jane,” he murmured, brushing a hair from his eyes as he lifted his head. “I’ve missed talking to you like this. I meant what I said at the races. I want your good opinion back. I want us to be able to confide in one another again.”
“I—I should say you have my good opinion,” she stammered. “Or else we wouldn’t be here now.”
“You know what I mean.”
She did, and she didn’t. If she was still angry with Eli, it meant this was just temporary. An adventure.
If she forgave him, then what were they doing?
Marriage was impossible. Even if she were willing to give up everything she’d planned for her future, all of London knew he’d been engaged to her cousin only a few years before. A doomed love, as the papers had deemed it. Add the resemblance between her and Cecily, and it was obvious what they would all think. Second choice. His consolation prize. She couldn’t bear the pity that would be in everyone’s eyes.
Not to mention, it still felt as though Eli’s absence from her life was a blank slate where anything might have happened. She might have been wrong to presume the worst, but that didn’t mean his ongoing silence was right. How was she to feel close to him again, if his time apart from her remained a secret?
Why wouldn’t he trust her?
Eli took her silence as permission to press even further. “You haven’t let me apologize. Not properly.”
Jane felt very bare, suddenly. Too exposed. She wasn’t ready for this.
She sat up, slipping her arms back through the sleeves of her shift and working on the laces. “This sounds like a conversation for another day. It’s very late, and the others might come back soon. Let’s not press our luck.”
“Jane.”
“You said you wanted to make me happy,” she reminded him. “You were doing an excellent job of it until a minute ago. Let’s not ruin things.”
Eli watched her for a long time before he stood and retrieved his shirt, slipping it on and closing the long line of buttons without a word. Then he picked up his tie and tailcoat, slung them over one arm, and padded from her bedroom as silently as he’d come into it.
It was only after the door clicked shut in its frame that Jane realized she couldn’t quite swallow the lump in her throat.
Nineteen
Jane was still in her shift and corset when there came a knock on the door that next morning.
Biddy, arrived in time to help me dress for once.But it wasn’t Biddy. It was Cecily.
“Imusttalk to you.”
Without waiting for a response, she marched straight past Jane and into the middle of their bedroom. She was already dressed for the day and fully decked in jewelry. In contrast, Jane and Hannah had only just risen.
Cecily took in the disarray surrounding her. “Would you mind giving us a moment alone, please, Hannah?”
“It’sourroom,” Jane protested.
“She doesn’t mind,” Cecily insisted. “You don’t mind, do you darling? You must tell me at once if you do. The last thing I’d want is to cause inconvenience.”
“It’s fine.” Hannah tugged a frock over her head and struggled to do up the buttons behind her neck without any assistance, so Jane walked over and finished the row. With a last, curious look, Hannah left the room.
“You didn’t ask me ifIminded.” Jane placed her hands on her hips. “I’m not dressed yet either.”
“But we’re family.” Cecily waved her objections away like a plume of smoke. “I can help you dress if you like. Oh, notthatone, please. It doesn’t do much for your color.”
