Her pleasure. The offer was enticing, but also frightening. Not because she didn’t trust Eli. He would keep his word.
No, what made it frightening was the sheer, overwhelming possibility of it. Whatwasher pleasure? She knew what she liked in the privacy of her own thoughts and her own room, but she’d never shared that with a partner. She’d never even kissed a man before Eli.
What did loversdotogether? Jane understood the mechanics of it, but not the finer details. She couldn’t imagine herself listing her desires for Eli, or telling him how to touch her. What if he thought her slatternly?
Jane’s struggle must have shown plainly on her face, for Eli squeezed her hand in reassurance. “What about this? If you can’t decide what you want yet, then tell me what youdon’twant, and I’ll give you my word not to do it.”
Thatwaseasier. There were lines they couldn’t cross.
“You can’t—” she stumbled, reluctant to say the words in a crowded ballroom. Finally, she leaned in a bit and whispered, “You can’t actually bed me. I wouldn’t want to… That’s too much.” She knew how women found themselves in a family way, and that wasn’t going to be her fate. “I’m sorry if that disappoints you—”
“Agreed,” Eli interrupted. “And you are absolutely not disappointing me.”
“Good,” she said. That had been easier than she expected. Once the words were out and Eli reacted well, the embarrassment faded quickly. Maybe she could do this.
“What else?”
“I—I wouldn’t want you to do anything that hurts.” Several of her married friends had reported to her on the substance of the wedding night, and their experiences ranged from delightful to grueling. Even if Eli wasn’t going to perform the conjugal act, and even if everything they’d done thus far had felt extremely pleasant, she harbored her doubts.
“Jane, of course not. That goes without saying.” At her look, he added, “You’re welcome to say it if you need to, of course. Only I hope you know I would never hurt you.”
She didn’t care to think on that too much. It wasn’t strictly true. Not if one counted injuries of the heart.
“One last thing,” she continued briskly. “No one can know. No matter what.” She didn’t think Eli would be cruel or foolish enough to go bragging to his friends, but there were other ways for a secret to get out. “No unnecessary risks. I expect the utmost discretion.”
“You have my word.”
She was out of caveats, at least for now. It seemed that she’d agreed.
They’d come to the part of the dance where they switched partners. As Jane turned about Lord Pearson, the gravity of what she was about to do hit her like a lead weight. She pushed the feeling away with all her might. She was doing this. No point in frightening herself.
“What’s our plan then?” Jane murmured when they were reunited. “How do we both make our exits without anyone suspecting?”
Surely people would notice them leave together.
“You’re still feeling under the weather from being out in the rain on Monday. I’m just seeing you back to the Lindens’ safely.” The words sounded almost reasonable when Eli said them.
“Wouldn’t Hannah be a more natural choice to accompany me?”
“We didn’t want to spoil her evening. Or we couldn’t find her in time. You felt poorly very suddenly. We tell one person only to pass on the message, then we go. Before anyone can offer to replace me.”
That would serve.
“It should be Miss Danby.”
Eli blinked twice at this. “Are you sure? I presume she’ll know you aren’t really ill.”
“I trust her discretion.”
Anyone in their immediate circle might offer to take Eli’s place. Anyone outside it might gossip about the two of them leaving together. Only Della was certain not to commit either sin. She had enough experience covering up her brother and sister’s mischief that she should be an old hand, though it would be the first time Jane needed to make use of her talents.
They found her in the retiring room, and Eli stood discretely to one side while Jane explained that a sudden malaise took her away, and would she please convey her regrets to Uncle Bertie and theothers in a half hour or so. Della listened to the short speech while the dawning light of pure and unbridled joy shone through her face.
“Ishallconvey your regrets,” she agreed, clutching Jane’s hands so tightly they began to smart. “What terrible news. Please go straight to bed and feel better. I shall send you a basket of remedies in the morning.”
“Thank you, but just the message will suffice.”
Jane took her leave and hurried out the door with Eli before she could change her mind.
