Jane seemed to sense it too, for she shifted under his gaze. “I could say the same to you. You can…” She shrugged an apology as she trailed off, as if afraid her words were somehow gauche. When she continued, she spoke with greater conviction. “You can talk to me, if you want to. About whatever is bothering you, I mean.”
Jane closed her book softly. The sight of her gloveless hands upon the leather reinforced the sense of intimacy between them. This felt more real than any conversation they could have in the daylight, with the demands of propriety penning them in.
Perhaps that was why Eli began to speak, though he hardly knew what he would say. “I know it’s not my fault theLibertaswas wrecked. It just feels…” He searched for the right words to describe it, and found nothing. “I suppose I didn’t care for the way they were looking at me this morning. The Merediths, I mean.”
Jane made no reply, but she watched him without blinking, as if she were absorbing every word and holding it deep in her heart. Her eyes had darkened to storm clouds in the lamplight.
“They must have been asking themselves, why me and not theirson?” he whispered. He’d asked a similar question while he was in captivity.Why am I a prisoner when everyone else made it to a lifeboat? Why wasn’t I just a bit faster, a bit luckier?
Pure selfishness. He should have been thinking of those like Owen, who hadn’t made it out at all.
“I’m sure they don’t blame you.”
Eli shrugged, unconvinced. “I wish I could have offered them more than another heartbreak, all the same.”
Jane reached across the space between them and touched her hand to his. They were at enough of a distance that she had to stretch to maintain this contact, and she withdrew again a moment later. “I’m sorry. I wish I knew what to say to you, but anything I can think of seems inadequate.”
“It’s all right.” He offered her a faint smile. Whether she knew it or not, it did him good just to be near her like this, without any suspicion or challenge between them. Like the old days. “Thank you for listening. Why don’t you go back to your book? I’d like to just sit a while, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course.” Jane opened her text again, now and then glancing up to check on him. She flipped the pages so slowly she might not really be reading anymore.
They stayed like that for another quarter hour, Eli breathing in the silent comfort of the room while Jane pretended to be absorbed by her probabilities. He could still feel the warmth of her touch upon his hand, a reminder that some tender sentiment survived everything that had passed.
The next morning, they all repeated the routine to get ready for Ascot, but something was different. When Jane tried to help Hannahget dressed as she had the day before, the girl had no enthusiasm for it. She poked and prodded her gowns, unable to select anything.
“They all look ill on me.”
Though Jane tried to cheer her up, she refused to be comforted, nor would she reveal the cause of her poor spirits. Finally, Jane abandoned the effort. She would find another solution.
“What if we played truant this morning?” she suggested. “We could do some sightseeing and be back in time to join the others for supper.”
This produced the first smile of the morning, and the plan was set.
When they went down to join the others, Jane found Eli and Edmund framed by the golden light of the window, deep in conversation on the relative merits of the army and navy.
“Of course everyone will tell you it’s more gentlemanly to buy a commission, but those waxing poetic on the system are generally not the ones being led into battle by a captain with nothing more to recommend him than a few thousand pounds to spare. Besides which, the navy has the advantage of prize money.”
Edmund wore a look of concentration that was normally reserved for racing. Was he considering a career for himself?
It would make sense. He needed an income, if Uncle John’s baby was a boy. Still, she didn’t like to think of him vanishing from her life for years, just as Eli had. He’d never confided such a plan to her.
Now that she thought of it, she’d probably heard Edmund say more in these past two days than in the past two months. Part of it was being in his element, certainly, but there was more to it than that. Part of it was Eli.
He had an easy manner with people that she would never possess, even with her own brother. People felt comfortable around him. And it wasn’t because he employed charm or flattery either. Those things might be pleasing, but they demanded no honest consideration on thepart of the speaker. No, Eli was genuine. He cared whether others were comfortable and sought to make them so where he could.
In spite of herself, Jane suffered a pang of regret. She would miss him when he left, even if she’d never held any illusions about their time together.
“Hannah and I have decided to go sightseeing today instead of attending the races,” Jane announced, interrupting their discussion of warships. It seemed easier to present her plans as a fait accompli than to ask permission.
Though she’d expected Eli might protest, he merely studied them a moment and replied, “All right.”
It was Edmund who adopted a critical tone. “Why come all the way here if you don’t even want to see the races?”
“We watched the stakes yesterday and we’ll see the Golden Cup tomorrow. Those are the important ones.”
“They’reallimportant.” Edmund might have been a father asked to name his favorite child. “You’re going to miss the Swinley Stakes and the Albany Stakes. Women have no appreciation for racing.”
“Careful now,” Eli warned him, his tone grave. “One should never make a dismissive remark about the fairer sex. You never know when you might find yourself at their mercy.”
