A wide road opens up for us to follow into the town, and Xander and Daje flank us as buildings begin to take shape in the darkness ahead. More of the same one-story stone homes dot the landscape, the grass tall enough that it brushes against the horses’ legs. The air is fragrant with a sweet smell, and my stomach eagerly reminds me that I haven’t eaten since… I’m not sure when.
“We’ll make sure to get some food at the inn,” Nox says in near my ear in response to the sound.
“I can’t even remember the last time I was hungry.” It’s meant to be an innocuous statement, but I don’t realize just how careless it is until Nox tenses behind me, the sensation of his magic crackling in the air like the beginnings of a summer storm. Though I’ve avoided looking at myself in the mirror for a long while, I know that my body bears the evidence of my time apart from him in more ways than one. How different do I look to Nox? Can he still see the woman that he loves in this new version of me? Or has the emaciation of my body—of my mind and soul—changed me too much?
Daje spots a sign that directs us to the stables behind an apothecary shop and down a small hill. We drop the horses offafter gathering the bags and then make our way back up to the main road until the largest building comes into view. Our reflections in the windows as we pass keep my breaths quick, fear that the guards are already hiding in one of them forcing my magic to coil together in my chest. Nox and I follow behind Daje, Xander walking behind us as we step onto a creaking wooden deck and into a noticeably warmer space.
“Welcome to the Saville Inn,” a man says from behind a dark wooden counter. “How many rooms, travelers?”
Daje looks back at us, his pointer finger raised. “Just one?” he asks slowly, his gaze bouncing between Nox and I.
I look up at Nox to find him already staring down at me, his face serious but otherwise unreadable. “Would you like your own room?”
“No,” I answer, my brows pulling in. “Doyouwant your own room?”
At that, the corners of his mouth lift just a fraction, and I seehimagain. “I want to be wherever you are. Always. For as long as you’ll have me.”
I reach out for his hand as our gazes hold. My fingers twitch with the urge to trace the stubble at his jaw and that small smile on his lips, to run my hands through the longer strands of his hair as a way to anchor myself to a time before… justbefore.
“Okay, then,” Daje drawls, turning back to answer the man.
Xander brushes past us, close enough for his shoulder to graze Nox’s. “I need to speak with you.”
Nox keeps his eyes on me, the silver in them shining brighter as he answers. “No, thanks.”
My cousin grumbles under his breath as he continues forward to stand next to Daje.
“You should speak with him,” I say softly, squeezing his hand. “We can trust him.”
“Can we?” he asks, and I’m surprised to find the question is genuine. At my nod, a strange look crosses his face, one that I’m sure I’m reading wrong because—
“I had bad luck the last time I stayed at an inn,” Daje interrupts as he turns around to hand us the key to our room. “Let’s hope that doesn’t repeat here.” His eyes gleam beneath the light of candles spaced throughout the inn, but he doesn’t clarify any further as we all climb wooden stairs to the second floor, the art on the walls passing by in a blur as I force my mind to focus on the feel of my hand in Nox’s.
Daje and Xander quickly go over our plans—rest for a few hours and then leave just before the sun rises—and then we are each in our rooms, Nox setting our bags down before stretching his arms overhead. I clasp my own hands together, my gaze roaming over the room as Nox walks past me to the bathroom, light spilling out a few seconds later from the candles he’s lit within. When he comes back out, a nervous energy thrums between us as we stare at each other. It’s filled with all the words that are not so easily spoken but that are written so clearly on both of our faces.
But maybe that is for the best.
There was so much that happened, so many memories that I selfishly do not want to dwell on that keep trying to pull me back in. It isn’t that I think avoiding them will do any good—I had learned my lesson regarding that—it has just beensodamn long since I have held Nox. Been held by him. So many weeks of harboring a loneliness that bled from my heart and into my veins until I thought I could die from it.
Until I almostdid.
And I just…I want him. Even if I don’t deserve him anymore, even if the relief he brings me is only temporary.
“There are clean clothes and toiletries in the bag,” he says, his voice low. “I can grab us some food while you shower.”
He takes a single step towards the door, and I feel something tug me in his direction. My magic or maybe something more, but I don’t waste time questioning it. “Or you could join me,” I suggest, voice shaking as I flatten my palms over the wool cloak at my thighs.
His swallow is rough, as is the silence that crashes down on me when he doesn’t respond. I retreat, againkeenlyaware of the fact that I’ve changed. Months under the abuse of King Dolian had left me gaunt with regret and guilt, and I can’t exactly blame Nox if that is too much for him.
“It’s okay,” I rush out, already backtracking towards the bathroom. “I’ll just—”
“Rhea.” He takes tentative steps towards me until the heat of his body permeates my clothing, stoking a different kind of heat to life at the base of my spine. His hands frame my face, thumbs brushing tenderly over my cheeks. For a long while, he doesn’t say anything, just holds me like I’m precious. Like he can’t believe we are both here. But then he inhales deeply, and his forehead drops against mine. “I’m worried about you,” he confesses, the words rough with emotion. “You’re here—tangible and real in my hands—but your mind is so far away. And I don’t know how to reach you. I can’t—” My eyes close at the crack in his voice, at the stuttered breath that follows, as I grip onto his wrists. “I failed you. Ifailedyou, Rhea. And all I keep thinking about is how Xander was right. You needed me, andI wasn’t there.” He leans his head back, thumbs brushing away my fallen tears. “I wasn’t there for you, and you suffered. You deserve—”
“Do you love me?” I interject, sliding my hands from his wrists to either side of his face. Keeping him close.
“Yes,” he answers without hesitation, without any consideration, even if the question looks as if it’s caught him off guard. “But what I’ve done—what Iwilldo—in the name of that love should terrify you, Rhea.”
“What if it doesn’t?” I ask him, the pounding of my heart heavy in my ears. “What if I love you just as much? What if I’m already the monster you’re so afraid you’re turning into?” I remembered what he said, back in his room on the night I had told him about my nightmares. About all King Dolian had done to me then. He wanted to choke the world in his shadows to keep me safe. I had already seen a glimpse of what he would do on the other side of that promise. I had been taken from him, and I had been hurt. Yet the version of Nox who stands before me, retribution flaring in his eyes, doesn’t frighten me. Nothing about him does because I know that he doeseverythingfor me.
