My throat tightens the longer I look, tracing the meadow back until I reach the treeline and the forest that looms beyond it. I had left this place—as Alexi had wanted me to. As I had wanted to do for myself. Though my story didn’t quite have the ending that I wanted, I had at leasttried,which was far more than the woman from my past would have ever thought possible. Fear had been a powerful manipulator then, but the fear that molds me now isn’t one composed of wondering what might happentome. It’s one that poses the question: What willIdo to others? Without the control of my magic… Without my free will and autonomy…Without Nox… There is nothing left for me to becomebuta weapon. If there isanythingI have learned, if there isanythingI’ve come to regret, it’s that there were moments I should have done more. That I should have stood up for the people I loved. For myself. The time for mourning my previous inaction has passed, but now…nowthere is something I can do. There is a choice I can make.
A small voice inside of me tries clawing her way to the surface, begging me to reconsider. I don’t snuff her down, don’t try to hide her in those darkest corners of my mind or trapher inside an invisible box because it’s too painful to deal with. Instead, I reach out to her. Holding her hand. And I tell her, I tellmyself, that just because a choice isharddoesn’t mean it is the wrong one. That, just because it threatens to shatter the already fragile pieces of my heart, doesn’t mean it might not also have the capability to heal me in a different way.
I have always been a mosaic of sorts—never quite a being made of smooth edges and well-fitting parts. But I see now that there has always been beauty in it. That there has always been strength in it, too. I, Rhea Maxwell, have been a victim of circumstance for far too long, and now it’s time that I do something about it.
My heartbeat is steady in my chest, even when it dips as I grip the balcony railing a little more tightly. Because of the railing’s height, it takes a moment for me to heave myself onto it. When I do, I turn until my legs are dangling over the edge, my face aglow in moonlight as I stare out over that deep blue lake. Nails digging into the rough surface of the stone, I allow more tears to fall. No longer feeling the need to keep them bottled up, but simply surrendering to the sadness that begins to uncoil itself within me.
“I love you,” I whisper to the moon, closing my eyes. A tortured sob plays out into the night, the overwhelming feeling of loss laying rough hands around my neck.It will hurt,I think to myself,but only for a moment.
I slide myself closer, the corner of the banister digging into my upper thigh. A gust of wind softly caresses my skin, carrying with it the scent of jasmine, as I suck in a breath, my fingers dangling off of the edge now. The wind rushes against my ears, drowning out any sound but that of my own breathing and heartbeat. I lean forward, my palms sliding off the railing as my stomach bottoms out and—
Abruptly, I’m yanked backwards, falling into someone as we both land on the balcony. Air is forced out of me with a roughhumph, and my eyes shoot open as I scramble off the hard body beneath me and onto my hands and knees. Only to meet Xander’s dark eyes.
“What,” he huffs, his chest heaving and eyes wild, “thefuckare you doing?”
Chapter Ninety-Five: Rhea
Xandersitsup,hiselbow resting on his knee as he catches his breath, an uncomfortable tension brewing between us. I’m the first to break it when I drop my gaze to the ground. “How did you know I was here?”
“I didn’t until— No,youdon’t get to ask questions until you explain to me what you were doing.” He shakes his head, raking a hand through his already mussed black hair. “Because it almost looked like you were about to jump from the balcony. And Iknowthat can’t be right when…” His words trail off as I liftmy head to look at him, bleak realization flattening his mouth. “Fuck,” he whispers, his shoulders going slack.
“It’s more dangerous for me to be alive than it is for me…notto be.”
Xander exhales sharply, emitting a noise caught somewhere between an incredulous laugh and a menacinggrowl. “How long have you been contemplating this?”
“Long enough to understand all that it means.”
“Rhea.” He drags his hand down his face, his mouth opening and closing as words catch in his throat.
“I know,” I cut in, moving to stand. My legs wobble beneath me, adrenaline and nerves crashing tumultuously together. “But, Xander, I’mdangerousbecause ofwhatI am. And so many have been hurt in my name. So many lives taken because ofme. When does it stop?”
“When we get the ring off of you.”
The laugh that tumbles out of me is despondent. “And doyouthink King Dolian will be taking it off me anytime soon? I have triedeverything,Xander! Even attempting to cut my own finger off. But nothing has worked.Nothinghas come close!”
Xander stands, his hands bracketing his hips. “And what if you had succeeded just now?” he asks, his voice poignantly soft yet still demanding my attention. My heart races until my vision begins to blur. Or maybe it’s the tears gathering there. But Xander presses on. “What about Nox? What do you think he would do when he found out?”
“You know the reports from the Mage Kingdom,” I offer lamely. “He is too preoccupied with his own kingdom and family to…” To what.Care? Even in my current state, I know that would never be true. And so does the man standing across from me. He frowns, his disappointment something that pricks at the shame bubbling inside of me. “I’m tired of people getting hurt. Of them dying. Alexi, Immie, Tienne, Bella—”
“She’s alive,” he interrupts, his gaze boring into mine.
“I— What? Who is alive?”
“Bella.”
I let out a croaked noise of confusion, sure I’ve misheard him. “What are you talking about? King Doliantoldme she was dead. I asked you, and—”
“You didn’t ask. You accused,” he says, taking a step towards me. “And I could have corrected you then, but you weren’t ready to hear it. I’m not entirely sure that you are now, but I’ll sayanythingif it means you won’t give up on yourself. Bella is alive, and her name—her true name—is Siyala.” Slowly, as if afraid he’ll frighten me if the movement is too sudden, he turns and extends his hand out to me. “And if you promise to get off of this balcony and come inside with me, I’ll tell you everything I know about her.”
I search his gaze, looking for a hint of deception or manipulation. Xander lets me, his hand staying extended as he drops all pretense of a mask, leaving himself bare and vulnerable in front of me for the first time ever. “Please,” he says again into the darkness between us, and I wonder if he has ever uttered that word to anyone before.
Bella is alive.
My chest cracks at the revelation, my heart torn betweenwantingto believe him, and knowing that every moment I’m left to the king’s whims could mean more lives put at risk. Despite not having tipped over the balcony, I still feel as if I’m in a free fall, the shattered pieces of myself scattered as I struggle to reach for them. I’m mid-scream, unmoored in a way I never have been before, but…
Xander takes another step towards me.
Bella is alive.
