“And do you know for sure that the card that can beat yours has been played already?”
“Well, no,” she concedes, leaning forward slightly. “But the odds are pretty good that it has.”
Alexi hums, coming to rest his elbows on his knees, his dark eyes keen and wise. “You are incredibly smart, Rhea. You possess an intelligence beyond your years, but sometimes, you can be impulsive. Reactive before you have all of the information. It is not a fault, not something that you should feel bad about. It’s a lesson we must all learn as we grow.” He holds her gaze as he says this, ensuring younger me understands that it isn’t an insult. “There will be times in your life that will inspire that impulsiveness, though the severity of them will grow as you do. You won’t have control over those moments, but you will have autonomy over how you react to them. And the best piece of advice I can give you, Little One, is to remember that, oftentimes, when we think we have seen everything at face value, there are still pieces lingering in the dark.”
He then flips her card over, laying it on top of the pile again. Picking up his discarded hand, he plucks a single card from itand lays it down. She groans when she realizes it is the one card that could beat hers.
“People are just as layered as this stack of cards. Life is as unpredictable as trying to guess the cards your opponent has.”
The memory fades, my smile wavering as I think about how that very lesson had played out tenfold with Flynn—Nox. But I don’t feel all that angry anymore, and maybe it’s because I understand that I still don’t have all the pieces. At face value, Nox hid something from me, but I hadn’t exactly explored all the reasonswhy.I had been impulsive in my reactions.
I snort, smiling out at the galaxies above. “Still teaching me something, even now.”
“Indeed. That was a lovely memory.”
I nod and lean back on my hands as I stare out at the swirling and twinkling colors. “In the end, before he died, he could tell that I was about to show my hand. That I didn’t care whether King Dolian knew I had magic if it meant saving him. He refused to let me do it, and I’ve resented him for that,” I whisper. The truth of those words, of that emotion, was never one I’ve admitted before. Not even to myself. “I hated that he made that decision for me. That he was resigned to his fate. That he didn’t fight back.”
“Alexi couldn’t have known what his death would usher in, but he must have believed that, whatever would happen after, you would make the best of it. He must have hoped, at the very least, that you would choose yourself. After all, that’s what he did. He chose you.”
“Do you think I am worthy of his choice? Of his sacrifice?”
There is no hesitation as she responds, “Yes. And I know of another who would agree.”
I know she speaks of Nox. But I’m not quite ready to delve into him yet, instead letting my mind drift to more memories of my time with Alexi.
“Show me another one,” Selene says reverently. So I do. I replay treasured moments with the only father I’ve known—ones that come to me easily and ones that I’m convinced I can only remember because of the magic of this place. When exhaustion of a different kind weighs heavy on my eyes, my tattered heart swollen with a memorialized love, I allow myself to try and lay to rest that resentment and guilt I feel.
Though I’m not sure I will ever be worthy of the sacrifice he made for me, I now find that I want to be. I want to try tosomehowlivea life that could attempt to accomplish just that.
This is not where your journey ends. Promise me.Those were Alexi’s final words to me. And I finally see with clarity just how multifaceted they were.
“The first step, when you get back to the Mage Kingdom, has to be training with your magic. Learn as much as you can about wielding it,” Selene says after I wake up again. I have no inkling at all how long I’ve stayed here in the Middle, as time itself feels suspended.
“Whatcanyou tell me about the shadows?” Trepidation once again makes me question just how much I actually want to know about this part of me.
“They have always been there, the mirror to your light magic. Unfortunately, there is a bit of a limit to what I can say about it—bargains made and all—but I will remind you again that there is someone whocanhelp you.”
I laugh, shaking my head. “I suppose you want me to talk about him now. I am curious what you think I can tell you that you don’t already know.”
“It’s less about information gleaned and more about you having a space to talk through your feelings for him, complicated as they may be.”
“That is one way to put it.” Though it isn’t in actuality. I feel like thingsshouldbe complicated. That when it comes to Nox, I should be more angry and bitter. Instead, a persistent thread seems to be twisting around us. One that doesn’t give much leash for feelings of betrayal and deceit to grow.
Selene is silent, even though I know that she can hear my thoughts, which leads me to believe that she wants me to decide where the conversation goes. My exhale is long, and I let my eyes flutter closed at the image of Nox’s face in my mind.
“He is… Well, he iseverything,” I start, trying to put into words what he means to me. “I sometimes have to think of him in terms of past and present because he has infiltrated both so thoroughly. He was the man who saved me from hell, and he is the one who showed me that there was still a new way my heart could break. He was the one who saw things in me that no one else ever did, and he is now the one that I fear could truly hurt me in ways that no one else ever could.”
Selene hums—though if it’s in agreement or not, I can’t tell. “Love is many things,” she says after a moment. “Unpredictable. Sometimes unstable and even a little terrifying.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask with a lifted brow.
She chuckles lightly. “No, I’m just being honest.”
“Have you ever been in love?” I suppose I never really thought much about the life of the woman here in the Middle. What she might have been like and done before making her bargain to stay here. What would possess her to trade away resting for eternity in the Afterlife for a timeless existence in the place between worlds.
“It was love,” she replies, answering my unasked question.
“Terrifying, indeed,” I retort.
