“And so she stabbed you in anger?” I ask, trying to picture my mother angry enough to do so.
“No,” he replies softly. I tilt my head as I look at him, watching as his smile slowly drops and the corners of his mouth tip into a frown. “She was devastated. It wasn’t in her nature to interrogate me, to force me to explain why I had begun to push her away, but I saw it. Every time she looked at me with a spark of hope in her gray eyes and every time I snuffed it out with my actions, it nicked away a piece of my heart. And hers.”
I swallow roughly, unable to help the way my fingers twitch with the need to hold Rhea’s.
“It was the evening before the dinner, and we were both in a space of devastation. I knew that if I didn’t do something with all the pent-up energy and anxiety flowing through me, I’d make a dumb decision. So I walked to the training grounds and began throwing daggers to blow off steam. Your mother found me there.”
My father uncrosses his legs and stretches them out before him. The room is quiet as he thinks, only the sounds of my guiltyheart beating in my ears competing with the rise and fall of Rhea’s steady breathing in the bedroom.
“She was furious. She begged me to tell her what was really going on. I tried to ignore her and the way I felt like I was going to vomit at the thought of never getting to be with her again. She grabbed a dagger off of the table and walked up to me—more passion andangerthan I had ever seen from her before. She told me that if I was truly done with her, I’d better stab her in her heart right now because it would hurt less than watching me pretend to be something I wasn’t.”
“Gods.” I huff out a breath.
“I laughed at her, at the ridiculous picture she had painted with her fury. And then the tears started flowing down her cheeks and she told me that she loved me. It was the first time either of us had said it, and the moment she did, I knew I couldn’t lie anymore about how she was the very air my lungs needed. I rushed to her, pulling her body to mine and kissing her with every ounce of emotion I could. But because I was an idiot, I completely ignored the very sharp dagger she still had pointed at me until it became embedded in my stomach.”
An actual hearty laugh scrapes up my throat as I gape at him. “So you stabbed yourself?”
He waves his hand in front of him as he says, “Semantics. From that night forward, we were inseparable. When I became king, I asked the council to change the rules—both for her and for our children. So you would have the choice to lead the sort of life you wanted without the parameters set in place by people who truly should have no opinion on what you do.”
“It’s a good story,” I reply, leaning my head back on the couch as I stare out the window in front of me into the forest beyond. “But I don’t see how it relates to what I’ve done.”
“Ah, my son, so focused on the bigger picture that you forget the smaller details.”
“Like how you forgot the dagger?” I tease, bringing my gaze back to his.
He laughs, nodding his head in agreement before resting his hands over his crossed knee. “Precisely. I thought I knew what I was doing, and I made the wrong call. It was a painful lesson to learn, but in the end, it was worth it. Do you know why?” When I’m silent, unable to see what he’s trying to show me, he jerks his chin towards Rhea. “Do you love her?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation.
My father nods, the look on his face one of genuine knowing. “You do not fall in love with someone only because they make grand gestures or declarations of that love. It’s the smaller, more intimate moments that are woven throughout your time together that make your love grow stronger—that build that foundation. That’s what I learned with your mother. When we started being completely honest with each other, our foundation became unshakable.” He’s pensive, his gaze lost in memory when he continues. “In the same vein, it is not merely one large moment that usually breaks a couple. It is repeated small ones and lessons not learned that can crack the love you’ve built.”
“Dad, I was—Ididsomething awful to her. Someone she cared about died because ofme.She is in this state because ofme. How can we come back from that?” I drop my gaze to my lap, shame and misery coating me.
My father stands and walks to me, his fingers finding my chin and lifting my head up to meet his softened gaze. “When you are in the throes of love, it’s easier to be brave. To find courage. To hold strong. But like all things, there is a balance, and sometimes, being in love can drive us to be more fearful. To hold too tightly to the point that we aren’t holding on anymore to protect that love, but instead, we are suffocating it. In those moments, we see that love can cost all that we are and all that we will ever be. But it’s also only the honesty of love that hasthe power to set us free. Because where there is love, there is acceptance and understanding.” His smile is tender as he drops his hand back to his side and adds with a small shrug, “Where love shines, forgiveness can bloom.”
Chapter Thirteen: Rhea
Sweat plasters my hairto my temples as my eyes flare open and I suck air in with heaping gulps.He’s not here.I repeat the phrase in my mind, coming up to sit and placing a hand over my racing heart.
“It’s alright. It was just a nightmare.” The woman of the Middle’s voice is tranquil as it cradles me from all sides. I swear I feel the weight of her arms around me, pulling me in close. The scent of jasmine is strong as I try to take in a deeper breath.
“Will I ever stop seeinghimwhen I sleep?” I rasp. These nightmares, the memories they pull from real life or sometimes create anew, are exhausting. I know King Dolian is hunting me, and I know he believes me to be only his. He’s a monster, a beast dressed in finery preying on someone who was never meant to be by his side. But there is a part of me that knows that deep down, I’m a monster like he is.
“Why would you think that?” she asks, hearing my thoughts as I hug my knees to my chest and rest my cheek on them. My magic—thatothermagic—awakens again, my guilt and remorse along with it.
I stare out at the black and purple and blue universe of stars and galaxies swirling all around me as I answer, “You know why.”
The silence between us is gentle, like a trickle of water leading away from a raging river. Finding its own path amongst the chaos. The stars around me seem so close, yet when I reach a hand out to touch them, my fingers only brush empty air. It’s all an illusion. Peace. Comfort. Love. None of it is real, at least not for me.
“Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” she asks. She lets a few moments pass in silence before she continues. “I see a child who was so terrified that she turned inward to find a place that was safe enough to exist as she was. I see a girl who had to navigate what it meant to grow up—all the emotions and feelings and changes—all by herself. Yes, you had Alexi, and thank the gods for that, but one hour visits are not enough foranyperson. I see a young woman who finally allowed herself to know what it is to be cared for and is now withholding it from herself as punishment for a wrongdoing she did not commit.”
I feel the tears, hot and heavy, as they pool in my eyes until everything blurs.
“I see someone struggling to stay afloat in the tumultuous sea of suffering into which she has been tossed,” she adds on even more gently.
“It sounds like you see someone incredibly sad and foolish and hopeless,” I breathe out, wetness streaking down my cheeks.
“Oh, it is quite the opposite. I see someone resilient. I see someone stronger than she knows. As the waves keep crashing into her, as the tide tries to pull her under, she stays afloat. She treads the waters of despair because she has tenacity. Because she must believe, deep down and buried beneath the broken pieces she is so sure she is made of, that she deserves more. That she is worth the effort of forcing herself to stay above water. That she deserves the love of a man willing to risk his kingdom for her.”
