He must have noticed the distant look in my eyes. “Did something happen with someone back in N.C. or something?”
I stayed quiet for a moment before I shook the memory and tossed back the rest of my drink. “Or something…”
I didn’t elaborate further.
In the days that followed, despitetryingnot to let myself feel more than I was, the more time I spent with Haley, the harder I found it to control. My thoughts bounced around like a yo-yo again.
When I wasn’t with her, anxiety crept in—worrying about her and what was going on between us. My thoughts tangled inside my head, dredging up memories I’d rather forget—especially about Noah.
But as soon as I was with her in any capacity—at work orjust the two of us—I felt calm. My thoughts stilled, and being with her felt like the only thing that mattered.
It was a conundrum. And it was fucking with my head, so much so, I actually brought it up to Nate during one of my sessions. Sort of. I didn’t go into too much detail, but enough for him to gather what was going through my mind.
“You’re equating the guilt to intimate relationships,” he said, staring at me from his seat across from the sofa I was sitting on.
I scoffed. “Well, they go hand-in-hand, don’t they?”
“In your mind, yes. In reality?No.” I looked at him. “It all connects to Noah and you blaming yourself and the guilt you’re still working through. Which–”
“Isn’t mine to carry,” I finished for him as I tried not to roll my eyes.
I was still struggling to convince myself of that.
“Right.” He took his pen, leaned forward, and pressed the tip of it to his pad of paper. “You blame that past situation for making you distracted.” He dragged his pen down. “You hold that distraction responsible for what happened with Noah.” He slid the pen to the right. “And you’re telling yourself that if you let yourself feel anything, it will cause enough of a distraction where something similar will happen again.” He dragged the pen back up, having made a triangle on the paper. “It’s a cycle of self-blame and guilt, and you’re allowing it to dictate your personal life.”
“I don’t know how not to feel that way,” I said quietly. “Because if something happened…and that led to me not being able to do my job again–”
“Blake, you did your job the first time. Whether that distraction was present or not that day, the outcome would still be the same. What happened to Noah didn’t happenbecauseof you orthis said distraction. You’re using it as justification to place the blame on yourself.”
He was right, and I knew it. The proof I used convinced no one but myself. Even so, I didn’t know how to stop seeing it that way, or how to stop convincing myself it would happen again if I let Haley in and truly felteverythingfor her.
“You need to give yourself some grace. You need to stop punishing yourself. You need to allow yourself to be happy without holding what happened over your own head, even if it comes in baby steps. Just…let yourself give in a little at a time.”
I blew out a slow breath.
A little at a time.
Chapter 24
“So,how has it been going back to your roots?” Marie asked as we sat in the breakroom during lunch.
I chuckled. “It hasn’t been that bad.” Since I could still work as an RN, I was covering for one of the other nurses that day.
“Tell me how many times you almost put in orders by accident.”
“A few,” I answered with a laugh. “But I stopped myself before I fucked up the chart.”
She smiled, chewing a mouthful of her leftover pasta she’d brought from home, and then spoke. “It’s weird not to see you with your partner in crime.”
“It feels weird not working with him,” I agreed.
Marie glanced around the breakroom, checking to make sure we were alone, then leaned in and lowered her voice. “How are things going with you two?”
Her question caught me mid-bite, my stomach suddenly flipping. I couldn’t help my smile. “They’re...going.” My heart began to beat quicker, nervous hope swellinginside me.
She eyed me with a suspicious grin. “‘Going’? I’m going to need you to elaborate.”
“Things are good. We’re just…exploring, if you will.”
