Her voice was so soft it almost disappeared. She was too delicate. Too naïve for this kind of work. It made my stomach twist with a mix of irritation and regret, but I pushed it down. This wasn’t about her. It never was, and she had put herself in this situation. I was just giving her a chance to prove herself. But I already knew she wasn’t ready for an actual production.
“Go ahead,” I told her, letting my hand drop from her jaw. Then I watched her take a breath, gather herself, and lean forward.
11
Lana
The next night, I stood in front of his filming room at eight twenty-five, with my notebook pressed against my chest, and my heart hammering like I was about to take a test I hadn’t studied for.
The door was closed, and for some reason, I didn’t dare to reach for the handle and open it. I had been standing there for at least two minutes, pretending to reread the notes I’d written earlier, but all I was really doing was trying to calm down. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to see once I went inside. I’d seen movie sets before. I’d done interviews and documentaries for class. But this was different. I wasn’t about to walk into a regular production.
My palms were sweating. I wiped them on my jeans, then clicked my pen exactly ten times for no reason other than to keep myself occupied. The notebook was already open to a clean page, with my notes and questions on the previous side. I’d told myself all week that this was just another assignment. Just an essay. But the longer I stood there, the more that lie started to sound ridiculous. This was so much more than a simple essay.
The sound of a door creaking somewhere behind me made me jump. A man’s voice followed, casual and amused.“You plan on going in, or are you just gonna stand there all night?”
I turned around and saw Rocco walking toward me. He had that look people get when they’ve been working too long but don’t care enough to slow down. Just like Callan, Rocco was a workaholic. I knew because every time he was here, he would run around, give orders, and get annoyed when someone didn’t listen. He held a cup with some hot beverage in one hand and smirked when I didn’t answer right away.
“I, uh…I’m waiting for Callan,” I said quickly, trying to sound casual but hearing how unconvincing I was.
He nodded like he already knew. “He’s in there setting up. He told me you’d be stopping by.” He took a sip from his cup, studying me over the rim. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”
“I’m fine.”
“Sure,” he said, not buying it for a second. “You’ve been staring at that door for three minutes. That’s a record. Usually, the new girls go straight in.”
“I’m not a new girl.”
That only made his smirk widen. “No, you most certainly are not. Brave of you to write an essay about porn. Your professor must really love you.”
I shifted the notebook in my hands. “I’m not writing about porn. I’m writing about the adult film industry.”
He laughed. “You make my job sound fucking boring, darling.”
“It’s just a nicer way to put it,” I replied, standing a little straighter now. “I’ll be writing about the set part of it all. Not the actual…fucking.”
“Right,” he said slowly, dragging out the word. “Then why are you nervous?”
“I’m not nervous.”
“Could’ve fooled me.” He tilted his head toward the door. “You think there’s something scary in there?”
“No,” I said, then hesitated. “I just…don’t want to interrupt anything.”
Rocco laughed quietly. “You think they’re in the middle of shooting right now? It’s prep time, sweetheart. We’re just checking the lighting and sound. No one’s naked yet.”
I felt my face heat. “That’s not what I meant.”
He shrugged. “You sure? Because it kind of sounded like that’s what you meant.”
“I just don’t know what the rules are,” I said, annoyed with myself for even answering.
“The rule is pretty simple,” he said, stepping closer. “You knock, you walk in, and you keep out of the way and take your little notes. That’s it.”
I looked past him at the door again. I could hear Callan talk now.
Rocco followed my gaze. “He’s not gonna bite, you know. He might glare a little, but that’s just his face.”
“I know.”
