The best advice I can give is to live each day to its fullest. Don't worry about what may be coming.She'd tilted her head and smiled at him.But then that's how we should live our lives regardless, right? No one is guaranteed tomorrow even if they are perfectly healthy.
Nate realized that even though he'd had the experiencewith his mom, he'd never truly embraced that philosophy. He'd been too worried trying to prepare things for the future. It was why he'd put off settling on a wedding date with Lily. He'd wanted things with the garages to be going well. He wanted to prove he was worthy of one of the Collingsworth sisters. Lily had so much money, but he had been determined to prove he could support her without it.
He didn't doubt that she had seen his reluctance to get married as a lack of commitment on his part. How could she trust his love when he hadn't even been willing to take that final step to marry her?
Nate pulled his car into the parking lot of the apartment block and sat staring blankly out the windshield. He no longer blamed her for running off to London the way she had. If she'd known everything back then that he knew now, it's no wonder she didn't think she could trust him to be there for her. Yeah, he had no one else to blame but himself for the lousy mess he ended up in.
He thumped his hand on the steering wheel before shoving the door of the truck open. After slamming it with more force than necessary, he strode toward the front door of the building and let himself in. His guts were churning with all the information he'd learned today and all the revelations about himself he'd had to face.
Right then,hewas convinced that she really was better off without him. Though he loved her, he had never given her priority in his life the way he should have. With her sweet, understanding nature, she'd let him continually give priority to other things over the ones that were important to her. The things that should have been important to him, too. Like getting married.
As he walked into his apartment, the silence of it mocked him. If he hadn't screwed up so badly, he would be with Lily now. They would have faced her most recent flare-up together. He would have been the one to help her get cleaned up from her fall. He would have helped her get settled into bed and gotten her anything she needed. He would haveslept beside her, able to wake at a moment's notice if she needed him. Instead, she was alone. And so was he.
~*~*~
Though she really didn't want to, Lily knew she needed to spend a good portion of the next day in bed. Thankfully, when she woke Sunday morning, she was feeling significantly better. It was a relief that the symptoms had eased. Usually, that meant it was just a flare-up, not an exacerbation or worsening of the MS. She was going to have to take it easy for the next little while. Two flare-ups close together like that—even when she knew the reasons why—were scary and something to be avoided.
As she got ready for church, she chose a lightweight turquoise sundress with wide straps and a belt at the waist. It would give her a bit of a reprieve if it did turn out to be a warmer day than forecast. After applying a light layer of makeup, she brushed out the tangles in her hair and slipped on her shoes. All her movements were slow. Tentative. Testing. She still wasn’t completely back to normal, but hopefully it would just take a little more time. She knew that each flare-up carried with it the possibility of more damage to her nerves and that this might be a new normal that she would have to adjust to.
Downstairs she found Amy and Lance preparing breakfast. As soon as Amy spotted her, she came and wrapped her arms around her.
"Thank you." Amy stepped back and looked right into her eyes. "Will told me all you did to help him with that dinner. And I know the price you paid. Thank you."
Lily smiled. "It was well worth it to help him give you such a romantic evening."
Amy lifted her left hand, diamond sparkling in the morning light. Though Will could have afforded a much bigger one, the dainty ring he'd had designed suited her perfectly. "I was so shocked. I honestly thought for sure I'dknow when Will was planning to propose, but with your help he pulled off the perfect surprise."
Since Lily hadn't been around the previous day, the breakfast conversation surrounded the engagement and wedding plans. She tried not to experience a pang of jealousy when Amy mentioned that they hoped to get married soon. That, in fact, it was Will who was pressing for a short engagement rather than a long one. How she wished that had been the case with Nate. He had just never been interested in settling on a date. Soon. It had always just been soon.
And now it was just...never.
~*~*~
Nate slid into the back pew of the church. Usually, he sat closer to the front, but he was late and grumpy and not really in the mood to be at church at all. The only reason he'd come, if he were totally honest, was to get a glimpse of Lily. He hoped that she was feeling well enough to come to the service today. He'd been thinking a lot about her since everything that had happened on Friday. Not that he hadn't been thinking about her to begin with, but it had been a lot more intense since finding out just exactly what she was dealing with and what the future might hold for her.
He looked down to the front of the sanctuary where the Collingsworth clan usually sat. His gaze skimmed the familiar figures and finally landed on Lily. She turned to talk to Amy, who was seated next to her. The smile that spread across her face kicked his heart into overdrive. As if she felt his gaze on her, she looked back in his direction.
Their gazes met and held. Her smile faded but then the corners of her mouth lifted into a quick smile before she turned back to face the front. Nate let out the breath he'd been holding. At least she hadn't ignored him. Had he smiled back? He wasn't sure...probably not. Smiling wasn't really his thing.
As the worship team began to sing, Nate tried to keep his focus on the service. He stood when those around him stood.Sat when they sat and bowed his head when it was time to pray. When the pastor got up to preach, he was glad that the church was up to date with their technology so that any Scripture passages would appear on the screen at the front of the sanctuary. His Bible had gone up in flames along with everything else he'd owned and as yet, he hadn't replaced it. He supposed that spoke clearly as to his spiritual state of late.
"These past few weeks I've met with many people. They are Christians. They attend church, Bible studies, prayer meetings. They are wonderful people. And they're hurting. Oh, they're hurting." Pausing, the pastor rested his hand on his Bible. "Some question whether God really cares. Some wonder why they seem to have to deal with so much hurt when others don't. Some have just been so consumed by it all that they don't even try to figure it out—they’re just trying to keep their heads above water."
That sounded familiar. Indeed, he did feel as if he'd just been trying to keep from going under ever since Lily had ended their engagement and walked away. Or maybe it had actually been before that. It probably went back as far as when his mother had begun to decline to the point where she could no longer function in the roles of wife and mother as she once had. And upon her death, his father had decided to bury his grief in work and started up the other garage in Sanford, which left more of the work at the one in Collingsworth to Nate. It was a burden he struggled under, particularly since he preferred to be under the hood of a car rather than behind a computer.
"Many use Job as an example of facing trials and still having a strong faith in God, but today I want to talk about a man who struggled, who sinned, who questioned God, who failed and yet, the Bible calls him a man after God's own heart. David." As he paused, a verse appeared on the screen. "Psalm 69. This whole psalm reveals the state of David's mind and heart as he faced many things in his life.
"Verse one says ‘Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck.’ How many of us have felt this way? I'msure if I asked for a show of hands, more than just a few would go up. He goes on to say 'I am weary with my crying; my throat is dry; my eyes fail while I wait for my God.' Have you felt that weariness? That overwhelming, soul deep, intense weariness? I have. David did. You are not alone."
Nate stared at the verses on the screen. He did feel alone. Very alone. With both his parents gone and no siblings, he'd felt that aloneness so strongly over the past couple of years. It was a strange disconnect between himself in the world. Like he had nowhere to plug himself in. And he had hated it. Hated that God had taken that connection away from him. First his mom. Then Lily and then his dad. It was like God had just set him adrift. Even when he'd been with Crystal there had been no connection there—she had seen it even when he hadn't.
"David knew he had sinned and failed God, but he—with a truly repentant heart—clung to the knowledge that God would rescue him. In Psalm 130, it says 'If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, Oh Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared.' David knew that God would forgive him. And he knew that God would give him the strength to go through what he faced. There are times he pleads with God to take away his suffering, but at other times he praises God for the strength He gives him so that he could go through those trials."
The pastor's voice faded away as Nate bent his head and stared at his hands and at that moment let the weariness he'd been trying to hide—to hold back—wash over him. It swamped him completely, almost knocking him to his knees.
I can't do this anymore. I just can't.
With the weariness came emotion that he wouldn't allow to break through. His hands trembled as he struggled to draw breath into the tightness of his chest.
