Maybe it was fear. Maybe shewasscared that at some point down the road as she got worse, he was going to walk out on her. That it would be too much for him, and he'd just leave her. Either way she would end up without him in her life, but at least this way it was her choice.
Lily felt a touch on her arm and looked away from the window to see Amy's hand resting there.
"I know it's hard to trust that someone's love for you will be strong enough to give you what you need from them." She glanced at Will. "That's how it was for me with Will. I wanted everything to be perfect, the way I had dreamed it would be. It didn't work out that way at first. Then I prayed and expected that God would just miraculously fix everything for us. It didn't work outthatway either. In the end, I had to take a step of faith. In God and in Will. I had to trust that God would do His work in us if I would just let Him. I also had to trust Will when he said he loved me no matter what and that he would be there for me when I needed him.
"I know that Will might let me down at times, but I also know it's not because he doesn't love me. It's because he's human and that's what we humans do. It's easy to commit to someone when the future ahead looks bright and rosy, even though the day after the wedding all that could change. You and Nate have the opportunity to make that decision to commit already knowing that there may be rough waters in the future."
Lily nodded. She knew Amy was right. If she'd received the diagnosis after they were married, she wouldn't have run off and left him. They would have faced it head on. He might still have left her, but her expectation would have been that he'd stick with her. Having it happen before that commitment of their wedding vows had given her an out, and she'd taken it.
Back at the manor, Lily retreated to her room to think over what Amy had said. Though she was older than her by a few years, Amy had shown more maturity in her relationship with Will than she had so far with Nate.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, Lily reached for her Bible. She unzipped the cover and found the note card she'd written out the night before. Though the verse from Proverbs was one she'd learned in Sunday school years ago, it was the one verse that had stood out to her the night before as she read her devotions.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Clutching the card in her hand, Lily knew that though she had said she trusted the Lord, she hadn't really. And she certainly had been leaning on her own understanding. In her mind, with all she knew about how MS progressed, she'd decided already that it would be too much for Nate. When she'd made her decision it hadn't been after spending much time in prayer over it. She hadn't sought God's will for her and Nate. In fact, she'd been quite angry with Him when she'd first been diagnosed.
Why couldn't she trust God and Nate fully with this part of her life? Lily looked down at the card she held, rubbing her thumb along its smooth surface. She knew why. She'd always known why, but she'd hesitated to face it since things seemed to be going so well. But the feelings were all still there.
Her mother had abandoned her. Though Elizabeth had essentially abandonedallof them when she’d decided shecouldn’t raise them and turned them over to her mother, it still hurt Lily thatshehadn't been good enough for her to keep.
Gran had handed her off to Jessa. At a time when she'd needed a mother to help her navigate the rough waters between being a pre-teen and a woman, Gran had begun to take less and less interest in her life. And while on one hand it had been nice to not have someone keeping tabs on her twenty-four seven, it had left Lily feeling like she'd been too much hassle for the older woman. Jessa had tried to be there for her, but she had had her own struggles as she'd been going to school and trying to keep things going around the manor.
And when Jessa and Lance had gotten together, Lily had felt as if she'd been cut loose. She was eighteen then, an adult by some definitions, and yet still needing the guidance of...someone. By then she'd become involved with Nate. Even now she wondered if part of what had drawn her to him had been him being older than her. He’d seemed so stable with his job at his dad's garage and so much more mature than the guys her age. And of course it hadn't hurt that she found him terribly handsome.
Now, however, she looked at him and saw strength. An inner strength that had only been there in small amounts ten years ago. Much of what had happened to him over the past few years would have broken a lesser man. She should have trusted him to have the strength to deal with what her future now involved.
Unfortunately, after their exchange at his house today, Lily saw that she’d come to her realizations a little too late.
~*~*~
Nate spent the next week leaving the manor early and getting home late. He hadn't been interested in any more run-ins with Lily. Each one seemed to leave him more confused and hurt than the last. She'd made her decision, and it was time he accepted that and moved forward.
Thankfully the office had been repaired early in the week so he'd had somewhere to go to work. Will had also let him know that he could move into the studio apartment the next week. He would need to go shopping for a bit of furniture before then.
His cell phone rang, dragging his thoughts from the plans he'd been making. He leaned back in his new office chair as he picked it up, pausing when he saw the name on the screen.
Lily.
After a brief hesitation, he tapped the screen to answer it. "Proctor." Even as he said his name, he knew it was ridiculous. Lily had phoned his cell. She would know that he'd seen who was calling before answering.
There was a brief pause. "Hi, Nate. It's Lily."
Her voice washed over him. The nearly-three years he’d gone without hearing her voice hadn’t seemed as long as the past week. "Lily. What can I do for you?"
"I was just wondering if your offer was still open."
Nate leaned forward, bracing his elbow on the new desk he'd had delivered that week. "What offer was that?"
"Helping me find a new car."
Oh, that offer.Nate let out a silent breath. There was just no way he could go hang with her for several hours and not walk away with more hurt. "Sure, I can do that. I'll give Rod over at Midtown Auto Sales a call and let him know to expect you. He will help you out and give you the best deal he can. Just tell him I sent you."
There was another stretch of silence, this one a little longer than the last.
"Okay. Thank you for your help." Her voice was soft and low. "I appreciate it. I'm sorry for bothering you at work."
Before he could say anything more, the call ended. A sick feeling sat in his gut. In that moment he realized this was thevery reason she'd ended things with him. When she called and asked for his help, he'd turned her away. He'd let her down. Even after he'd told her that he'd be there to help with this, he'd left her to deal with it alone.
