“I’m just having some problems with a friend of mine,” I fob off.
“What’s Riley done now?” Dad asks, laughing.
“Nah, not Riley.” I sigh.Fuck it.“Someone I have been seeing.”
“It’s not working out?” Mum asks.
“Not at all. She’s great. Things are so smooth and easy going with her. She went through a tough time, personally, at the start of the season, but we had gotten to a really good space. Except last night her ex came back and asked her to get back with him. But he’s an asshole and treated her awfully. I just feel hopeless. I gave her space because I thought it was the right thing to, but I don’t want to give her space. I don’t want her to doubt anything when it comes to us,” I reply.
“Does she know how you feel about her?” Dad asks.
“I didn’t want to add pressure to the situation,” I reply.
“But youdolike her?” Mum pushes.
“Yes, I really like her. I don’t think I have liked someone so easily and quickly. I love spending time with her, even if it’s just hanging in the pits,” I reply.
“Then you have to tell her. Otherwise, you will be filled with regret on the ‘what ifs’ forever,” Dad adds.
“I know. You’re right. You’re right,” I say, my head in my hands.
“Is she a grand gesture kinda girl or quiet declaration?” Mum asks, ever the romantic comedy lover.
“Considering we were keeping things on the hush so the team didn’t know about us, I will say quiet declaration is more her speed,” I reply.
“I’m so happy for you, Javier, and we can’t wait to hear how it goes,” Mum says.
“I’ll have to figure out her schedule.” My mind is already racing through ideas.
I wrap up with my parents, and arrange to chat to them again later that night before they head off to no reception in the early morning.
My phone in my hands, mind racing through possibilities, I take a deep breath and hit call. “Hey! Sorry for calling you so early, but I need your help with something. Can you meet up now? And can you bring Nikki?”
33
Sophia
It’s a lazy bike ride from the hotel to the coast, a typically balmy Queensland day out. After an impromptu online therapy session and some work distractions this morning, I need a long cathartic beach walk with a few reflective hours taking in the sunshine and the sand under my feet. Watching the waves roll in as the salt spray hits my face. Deep in thought about my situation, I ponder the last two years of my life and what I wanted, withwhoI thought I wanted. Thoroughly surprised at how blind-sighted I was by Perry’s personality change. While we were connected by shared interests, Perry treating me terribly in the end. I know that I am not so short-sighted to forget what I was feeling. He changed into someone who I would never have wanted to date.
I know I am resisting Javi from getting close to me. After how Perry treated me, like our two-year relationship was nothing, and then Mum unexpectedly dying the following week, it was easier to shut myself off to avoid myself from completely breaking down. This isn’t news to me, but I had been denying and avoiding it.
Until Javi stepped in front of me.
Like sunshine after a rainy day. Helped me heal and slowly work through my grief. Helped me get to a place where Mum’s loss is slowly being replaced by the reminder of her presence and impact. Pushing me to be better, in her honour.
I know I started with Javi for the wrong reasons; stroking my ego and getting my urges met when needed and on my own terms. Giving the illusion that I had some sort of control over my life during an extended time where it slipped so easily out of my control.
What would happen if I let him into my life? What would that look like? Am I over-analysing the situation? Why can’t I go with the flow anymore? Did all this break me too much? Am I incapable of allowing anyone into my life beyond my barriers?
I wish you were here, Mum and Dad. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. And you would know exactly the right thing to say to help me find my thoughts in this situation.A tear escapes from my eyes. And another. And another. Until I am sobbing into my knees.
I haven’t cried like this in so long. I miss her so much. I miss both of them so much. I allow myself to continue to cry. No shaking it off. No pushing it aside. No one is here. No one will feel the need to comfort and crowd me.
My crying stops on its own after a while. I wipe my tears away and take a slow, steady breath in. I feel better. Slightly cleansed. Now exhausted.
I pull out my phone and compose a message:
‘Us’ isn’t what I want anymore.
