“Yeah?” I blink a few times, looking over at him.
“We’re heading off, if you wanted to come to dinner with us? Otherwise we can drop you off at the hotel?” Javi offers, his eyes looking kindly at me.
“Yeah, a ride back to the hotel sounds good. Thanks. I’ve had enough fun for the night,” I reply.
Javi smirks, his back to Riley. “Of course. Whatever you need.”
I attempt to clear up the bench like we didn’t just almost fuck on there. That’s all I can see whenever I look at the bench now. I give up and take my laptop, shutting everything down in the pit.
Riley, Javi, and I walk silently to the front gates of the track where the cab Riley came over in is still outside waiting.
Javi and I get into the back while Riley sits in the front, chatting away to the driver, filling the air of the cab with the sound of their voices.
Looking out of the window, I try to ignore the deluge of emotions that chose now to rise and suffocate me. I try to rein in and identify my overwhelming feelings, or at least hold out until I get into my hotel room to flip out. Concentrating on my breathing, I shut my eyes, blocking everything I can. A warm hand engulfs mine, and I look up to see Javi looking at me with concerned eyes. Everything is silenced, except the increased volume of my heartbeat thundering through my ears.
How does he do that? Still everything around me into a calm I can handle.
He mouths, “Okay?” With a furrowed brow, he squeezes my hand tighter.
I nod, dumbfounded he can have such an effect on me. That he can both open the floodgates and chase away the noise in my head. I grip his hand until we are back at the hotel.
“Thanks…for everything,” I say as the cab pulls to the hotel’s front door.
“Anytime. Always here if you need help again.” Javi replies with a cheeky grin.
I laugh. “You’ll be the first one I call. Catch you later, Ri.” I snake my hand around the front seat and pat Riley on the shoulder.
“Chat with you soon!” he replies with a smile adding a wave.
“See you tomorrow,” I say to Javi as I shut the cab door.
“See you tomorrow,” he says, smiling as I shut the door on him. Watching as the cab pulls away I feel the corner of my mouth tug up slightly.
“Hey, Sophia!” A voice comes from behind me.
Spinning around, Elise Sheaves, Team Manager for Cryohoop, Cole’s team, comes out of the hotel and down the few steps to me.
“Heya, Elise. How’s pre-season treating you?” I ask.
“Great! Happy with the Yamaha machine this year. We were working on it over the season break and happy with the improvements,” she replies as she reaches me, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear. “I heard what happened between you and Perry. I had no idea you were dealing with that last season. You’re so brave.” She outstretches her hand and squeezes my arm.
I know she means well, but the story is twisted, and it makes me feel like an idiot trying to correct it. It’ll make me sound like I am making justifications. I am so enraged and shamed I can’t form an answer. My brain is paralysed, rendered speechless. This is what people think of me? What else do they think? My judgements are clouded?
Elise looks over my shoulder and sees an approaching cab. “Here, if you need anything. Chin up, Sophia. It’ll get easier.” She smiles sweetly at me, before heading into the cab.
I storm straight to my room and wait for the emotional shit storm to dump on me. Bracing myself.
Anything?
Great. It just decided to appear in front of Javi in the cab and freeze me with Elise.Fucking awesome.
Exasperated and annoyed, I head into the bathroom for a shower. Emotional scenes normally happen in the shower, right? I know I’ve had my fair share of existential crises and conversation rebuttals in the shower.
The amount of emotions and feelings I felt during the cab ride could not have simply just gone away. And then the run in with Elise where I couldn’t form any sentences?
I assess myself and what I am feeling. The numbness is still there, but it doesn’t feel as stifling anymore. I remember how excited I was, talking to Javi in the pit. I hadn’t felt as engaged in anything in so long. The words flowed so easily from my mouth. But then Elise fucked up my flow. How could I just not say a fucking word?
I really can’t risk doing anything with Javi. That was not the best slip with a colleague. I mean, it had the promise of the hottest sex I’ll ever have, I’m sure, but I have never done that kind of thing. Ever! Can’t have that damage with Javi, or my reputation and credibility in the paddock. Nope, won’t be happening. It can’t.Nothappening. How many times do I need to say it before I believe it?
