“You know what you’re missing?”
“What?”
“A dog,” Cliff told him. “I mean, could you imagine a small one curled up next to you while you watch?”
Dade smiled. “I always wanted one, but….” He caught himself before he went on.
“Let me guess. Your father would never let you have one.”
Dade touched his nose. “Got it in one. He always said that we moved too much and it wouldn’t be fair on the dog.” He was so tempted to go on, but he didn’t. There was no need, and all it would do was ruin the time they had together. “I always thought that once I was on my own, I would be able to let all of this go. But it turns out that I have a lot more issues than I thought.”
“You could find someone to talk to. I mean, you’re holding on to a lot of stuff, and sometimes talking to some about it can help.”
“Is this coming from experience?” He asked it to be funny, but his smile faded when Cliff nodded.
“Yeah. I saw combat the first year I got out of the academy. I can’t say where, but I saw plenty of it. I watched friends getshot. My roommate at West Point my junior year was killed. Our platoons were working to together when an enemy sniper got him.” Cliff made a face. “You really don’t want to hear about this.”
“Actually, if you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. My father never talked about any details of his assignments. He never brought maneuvers or any combat experience home with him. At least not to my sister and me. I know he talked to Mom about it because she made him. He would have kept it all from us if he could.”
“Yeah. That’s typical. Most of the guys I served with never shared what happened with their families. I don’t think they could understand, and it’s something most of us don’t want to foist on them. Combat is ugly, and it’s terrible. We saw it and lived it. Our families don’t need to.”
Dade knew that was the way things were. “My father told me that when I asked him. It was the one time I can remember when the two of us actually sat down and had a frank talk. I suppose it was because we were talking about military stuff. But he and I were in his office at the house, and he told me that same thing. Then he said that I would understand once I was in command of my first platoon.”
“How old were you?”
“Maybe fourteen. I know things between my father and me aren’t all his fault. That was about the same time I realized I was gay. So, it was the double whammy. I was gay, which I didn’t think my father would understand, and I had no interest in the army. Two strikes. So maybe I pulled away from him, I don’t know, but I spent a lot more time with my mother. And in school most of my friends were girls. There was a hell of a lot less pressure there.” Dade groaned. “God, I need to stop talking about my old man.” He took a deep breath. “I sound like a damned broken record. “So, tell me what happened.” He settledback on the sofa as the television went to sleep, and the room grew darker.
“We were on patrol together. Wings was maybe ten feet ahead of me. Our platoons had fanned out, and the two of us were watching for threats. The first sign of anything was Wings’s head exploding right in front of me. Then all hell broke loose.” He took a deep breath, and Dade held his hands and waited. Dade knew this was going to be difficult for Cliff, and he wouldn’t be surprised if he simply shut that box in his mind once more. “I was so proud of the platoons. The men spread out and surrounded the sniper, who kept taking shots at us. Then with a click from next to me, it was over. Someone from the other platoon took him out, and the rest of us cleared the area. They acted like the well-trained men they were.”
“You knew he was dead right away?”
Cliff nodded. “There wasn’t much left of his head. We all knew. So, we got the job done, wrapped his head, and took him back to the medics at our post. I had nightmares about it for months. But I couldn’t tell any of the men. They needed to have confidence in me, and that meant being strong for them as well as myself. The dreams abated… but returned when I was rotated home. So, I found a therapist where I was posted, and we talked a lot. Wings’s death wasn’t the only thing that I saw and had to deal with. The one thing the therapist told me was that talking about it was the best thing I could do. Holding it in wasn’t helping anyone.”
“And you think I should find someone to talk to about my father? Dade asked.
Cliff nodded. “There is a therapist on post here. Her name is Erica, and she’s very good. She’s not the person I spoke with, but I know she’s good, and as a family member of an active or retired service member, you’re entitled to services, especially if they relate directly to the military.” He squeezed Dade’s hands.“I won’t make an appointment for you or say anything more about it. This is up to you. But I’ll give you her phone number if you’d like.”
And just like that, Dade sighed and realized just how different Cliff and his father were. Cliff let him make his own decisions and didn’t try to issue orders about everything. “I’ll give it some thought.”
“Good. If nothing else, she’ll listen, and maybe she can give you some tools that will help you make peace with your father. He is the man he is, and you are the person you are. I doubt he’s going to change.”
“So, I should just give in to him?”
Cliff shook his head. “Nope. But having tools to deal with it will only make you stronger and more confident. I had to learn to deal with my grief and not keep it in a box. It wasn’t just seeing Wings get shot, but losing a close friend, a colleague.” He paused and swallowed.
“A lover?” Dade supplied.
“A past one. Yes. He and I weren’t in that type of relationship at the time, but he and I were together in a way… for almost two years. But in the end, we found out that we were much better off as friends. Wings actually had a partner at home. They had been dating for almost two years by the time he was killed. Mack was a good man and so much better for Wings than I was. They were soul mates, or at least as close as I have ever seen. Zeph and I….”
Dade shook his head. “I think you lost me.”
“Oh. The guys called him Wings as a nickname. His real name was Zephyr Orpheus Rawlings. His father was some sort of classics scholar, and his mother was a hippy of sorts, and they liked the name. He never told anyone his full name, and as soon as the guys began calling him Wings, he leaned into it in a big way.”
“Was he your first real boyfriend… a guy you loved?” Dade asked, and Cliff nodded seriously. “Mine was Anthony. It was in college, and we were in the same French class. Man, that boy could speak French better than anyone I have ever met… and he never had to say a word.” He almost giggled at his own little joke. “He and I lasted a few months, and then things cooled off, and we both ended up sort of wandering away from the relationship. I think you could say it died by mutual consent. It got so hard to keep things going. And we were young and stupid. After that… I don’t know. Things just didn’t work out, and I tried. Maybe I tried too hard and got too serious too fast. I’m not sure. But they always seemed to get tired of me.” He tried not to sound as pathetic as he felt sometimes.
“Anyway, I think that is enough hand-wringing for the evening,” Cliff said, and Dade agreed. “But I can send you Erica’s information if you’d like.”
“Yeah. Please.” Dade tugged the blankets upward and tried to find a comfortable spot after Cliff restarted the movie. In the end, he found one, in Cliff’s arms, leaning against his chest. That was comfortable, and he sighed and watched the rest of the movie.
