“You’re probably wondering why you were each weighed tonight. Momentarily, you’ll grab your handle to support an amount of water equal to half your body weight, which is contained in thebaptismal fontsabove you. That’s Round One.” Ecklund loftily indicated Imogen, Erika, and Fortune. “After fifteen minutes, our Tribulation winners will each assign the water they would have carried to one of you! The first person to spill leaves us.” I actually felt a rush of relief. Who wouldn’t direct their water to Barnes? We just needed to endure fifteen minutes, and somehow I was now rooting for Greta Hendricksen.
At the horn, we took our handles, and Melange stayed stunningly calm supporting the water weight, no matter how compromised her legs were. She and PB kept glancing at me in solidarity; as the night’s heaviest player, I definitely had more water sloshing in my trough.
“Round Two! Here comes Imogen!” Ecklund proclaimed eventually. Water rushed down into Barnes’ trembling trough, but if he felt additional grief, he didn’t budge, even when Erika’s gallons gushed down next.
“Barnes is now holding all his own body weight, plus fifty pounds, but… who did our big boy put his hit on?” Ecklund looked to Fortune, and I felt an improbable stab of regret. Once Barnes was gone, this really would be over. We’d return to America, detangling the threads of how to raise our children. No dunk tanks and boom mics, or Texas socialites and Russian installation artists. After Barnes left, the only thing punching either of us in the face would be reality. Well,real life.
And then Fortune’s tsunami crushed down… but not on Barnes.
PB was thrown into immediate agony, clinging to his handle with all his might as the trough swayed. I was stunned. How had Barnes endeared himself toFortuneof all people? “I think someone’s getting payback for PB’s attempted strike in China,” Ecklund noted smugly.
“I never fire the first shot,” Fortune answered. “But I will fire the last one.”
“You myopic bowling ball…” PB slurred through gritted teeth.
He had to be shouldering over two hundred pounds of water at this point, his eyes bulging so painfully I thought they’d burst out of his skull. My pulse raced as I realized I wasn’t just about to lose my shield—I was about to lose the only man who’d ever tried to simply be my friend. “Hold it, come on,” I pleaded, as much to him as theEndeavorgods. “You can do it!”
But all he did was grimace, his inability to brandish a cavalier comeback unnerving me most of all. My eyes darted to Imogen and Erika in the observation deck, their expressions clearly telegraphing our straits were dire.
In confirmation, two gulps of water teetered out of his shaking trough, landing like tiny gunshots at his buckling feet and forecasting his imminent and total collapse.
“PB! Have you got this?” Melange demanded, her voice steel. TheArena slowed to a deadly stillness as the resolve settled across her face. I realized what she was offering.
“Think that’s your best play, Melange?” Barnes choked out, still struggling himself. “You really want to hustle back to collecting pennies from a clan of rednecks who won’t even dignify your existence? Listen to the right people, and you could be a star…”
She flinched, legs wavering, and I saw he’d touched a nerve. What did he know about her or her family? Her eyes narrowed, flitting from Barnes to PB until landing firmly on me.
“Yeah, I’m no star…” With a toss of her platinum mane, she dramatically threw her handle away, gallons of water showering her as she struck a defiant pose. “I’m a motherfucking icon.”
“It was veryFlashdance.” Erika grinned.
“No one can say the bitch doesn’t know how to make an exit,” Melange sighed.
Imogen enveloped her in a tight hug. “No one can say the bitch isn’t a badass.”
PB stopped massaging his dead biceps to open his arms. “Thanks for the save.”
“You know that wasn’t just for you. Finish the job,” she said, crisply clapping his back. He made to follow Imogen and Erika to the bus, but Melange swiftly snatched his wrist, not done yet. “And if you screw over either of those girls, I’ll cut your balls off.”
She turned to me, the last soldier remaining. “This is where I leave you, Scarecrow.”
“I wish you were staying…”
“You need an assassin now. With this ankle, that’s not me.” Her face darkened as Barnes skulked to the bus. “Especially when your ex plays like he’s gambling with house money. Keep your eyes open. Don’t let him pull another trick like with Shawn and Tatianna.”
I nodded, unable to resist the question. “Was that one of his tricks, thestuff about pennies from your family? Don’t you have Mason oil money gushing as far as the eye can see?”
“Funnily enough… I’m not a Mason,” she exhaled. “Though once upon a time, Iwasa lovely fifth alternate at Miss Texarkana Belle and the second best hairdresser in Shreveport. Until the fateful day a producer tracked me down to reveal my mom’s mystery one-night stand back in ’89 was none other than the late Buck Mason. A little TV magic later, I’m stomping into the will reading in bedazzled boots, and Melanie Angelica Sanderson became Melange Mason.”
“I thought you were the star of the show?”
“I know, which I love you endlessly for, but if you think Chrissy despises me… That whole casthatesme, their resident bastard child. Still, the ratings skyrocket when the producers bring me in, which means I’m able to support my mom. Plus I have some influencer endorsements, so if you like tummy tea, have I got discount codes for you.” She smirked feebly.
“But is this what you want? You could do fashion, costume design.”
“We both know it’s not that easy, Luke. If I quit, do I go back to the beauty parlor? What about my mom? Aside from waiting tables, her only skill is making stuffed toy armadillos called Shreveport Sammies that she tries to force on tourists. Shockingly, the Shreveport tourism industry isn’t exactly booming…”
She sighed, gazing across the empty Arena. “I thought reality TV was my chance to run away with the circus. I didn’t even know where I was running. I just sprinted into the dark,” she chuckled, but her voice betrayed the fatigue. “On the plus side,Mason Dixonstarted filming the new season last week, and the producers usually smuggle me into the first big family party. Last year, I keyed #BigBitch on Chrissy’s Hummer.”
