“The fact that you’re asking is exactly why I’m sure.” He took my face in his hands and kissed me, cool palms absorbing the heat from my burning cheeks. “Are you not?”
I tried to summon an answer, suddenly feeling like the collapsed columns decorating the Arena, my cracked pieces restacked yet still not quitein alignment. It had been so long since I’d slept with someone new, but I couldn’t deny that I needed this. Not just the act, buthimspecifically, this person who saw more in me than fault and regret. When he looked at me, I wasn’t the man who had spent half his life on autopilot. In Shawn’s arms, I became a kid again, basking in that fleeting moment when it’s still truly possible to change your life. “No, I’m sure.”
Soon enough, Shawn was spread-eagled on the kitchen island, my face buried in his crotch. I gazed up his torso, our eyes locked as he stroked my head, gently pressing himself down my throat. I didn’t let his feet touch the floor when I carried him to our room. We hastily shoved the mattresses together, but he paused when he moved to ride me, no doubt seeing the crisis again flickering in my eyes. “Is this okay? We can switch.”
I was suddenly so scared I’d disappoint him, that I’d prove to us both why my husband had cheated on me. After all, how longhadit been since I’d topped Barnes? “Do you want to?”
“I just want to be with you, whatever that is.” He meant it. And I liked that, how he stared at me with such effortless certainty. I liked how much size I had on him, his body astride mine. The shine of his sweaty shoulders, backlit by the dimmed chandelier. The warmth of his calves, tensed along my thighs. The swell of his chest as he inhaled, awaiting my answer.
“Maybe start this way, then trade?” I asked.
Shawn nodded, reaching for the body lotion he’d found in the bathroom, and gently eased me in, my nerves be damned. He gasped, muscles releasing. I had forgotten how sex felt beyond sheer familiarity. Curiosity, electricity, discovery. I increased my force and rhythm, reclaiming instincts and impulses I’d long since abandoned in favor of what I’d trusted were Barnes’ preferences.
As striking as it was to watch Shawn, his head thrown back as he took all of me, what I appreciated most was that it wasn’t some relentless frenzy. He would still check in on me—confirming how I felt, moving my hands in gentle correction if he so desired, encouraging me to do the same—until I came inside him, Shawn somehow making sure he climaxed secondsafter. Our stunned expressions dissolved into unrestrained laughter, and after a brief intermission to the en suite, we traded roles, rotating through the vocabulary we were crafting for ourselves. More and more I savored the balance between us; I’d never experienced anything quite like it. Not with Barnes, or even Arjun.
After the third round, I stood to get fresh towels, but he wrestled me to the mattress, his voice playfully lowered in a bad Southern accent. “No! Get that ass back here, hoss!”
“Where’d that come from?”
“I have a deep bench of role-play.”
“Well, I like when you’re you.”
“So was it all okay?” He snuggled under my arm as I nodded, kissing him on his brow to punctuate my point. “How long had it been for you?” he asked.
“Two months? He fucked me the day before the news broke. Nothing remarkable, but it happened. I always thought we had sex pretty regularly, but I guess it was more like reps at the gym,” I exhaled. “How about you?”
“Last November. My third date with a lawyer in LA. There was not a fourth.”
“Well, I’d say we’re well past four dates now.”
His face crinkled, pleased, as he readjusted to face me. “So when’s the Charlotte move?”
“Ask me after I finalize the divorce,” I sighed. “Then it depends on the kids’ school.”
“That makes sense.” He nodded, fidgeting with a tag on the pillow as his eyes darted up to the ceiling. “I know it’s crazy I’m even bringing this up, but I could live somewhere other than LA, like,eventually. Please don’t freak out. I’m just… stating an independent fact.”
I propped myself up. “How would you still act or doBeverly Blondeif you left LA?”
“Look, I’d never say this to my agent, but I have this fantasy of going back to school. Part of me’s always wanted to work with kids, which is astupid cliché, I know.”
“That’s not stupid. From what I’ve seen, you’re great with them.”
“Might be tricky with my prior employment. I think most people would look at me the way your sister did.” It was the first time he’d mentioned her since the call with the kids.
I groaned, rolling my eyes. “Jenny’s never approved of any guy I like, but admittedly my record’s not exactly stellar. She’ll warm up once she meets you in person.”
“She’s your big sister. She should be protective.”
“I guess she’s just used to doing the ‘mom’ stuff for me, you know? Like, she packed my lunch every morning until she graduated high school. She was the one who took me shopping when I outgrew my clothes.”
“It must be nice, having family who loves you like that.”
“She can take it to extremes though. After my accident, she felt so guilty about not being in the car that she spent the rest of my senior year with me, made sure I got to every final exam. Hell, she’d have written my term papers if I’d let her. When our dad got sick, I think it finally broke her, so she just… ran. I understood, I didn’t fault her, but she’s been trying to make up for mistakes I don’t even blame her for ever since.”
“Like how? By staying with the kids?”
“I mean, I wouldn’t even have the kids without her.” I swallowed, my mouth beyond dry now. “When Arjun died, I was basically catatonic.”
