Shawn laughed. “You’re funnier than I thought you’d be.”
“I used to get that a lot. Got compared to Harry Potter too, ironically enough.”
“Because you’re smart?”
“Many people would disagree with that.”
“Oh, I meant ‘book smart,’ not ‘life decision smart.’” He grinned.
I rolled my eyes. “Pretty much every book I own has illustrations now, but I won’t bore you with dad stories. I’m trying not to talk about the kids here. Especially on camera.”
He inhaled, biting his lip. “Not to overstep, but… if you don’t give the producers a story, they’ll make one. Better ‘devoted father’ than ‘deadbeat dad.’ Besides, what you’re doing for your kids is really brave,” he said quietly. “You glow when you talk about them.”
The edge of his palm had migrated against mine on the wall, and we were now as still as the statues dotting the garden, our own little tableau in the balmy night. I wanted so badly then for his mouth to find mine,but regardless of how kissing someone whose naked body was all over the internet might affect my divorce, the simple reality was I barely knew him, and—
His hand landed on my thigh, curving to the inside. No ambiguity now.
I breathed deep and leaned forward, logic dissolving like salt in boiling water. After all, I reminded myself, the garden was dark, Troy and the cameras were gone…
Except Shawn abruptly pulled away. “I am so sorry. I can’t believe I just did that.”
I blinked, clumsily trying to play it off. “Did what?”
“We both know what.” He took off the glasses. “God, I’m so embarrassed.”
I tried to be relieved. The last thing I needed was to complicate literally every aspect of my life. “Please, it’s fine, you decided you weren’t feeling it.”
“Actually, I feel thingswaytoo quickly these days.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation—”
“I’m celibate!” he blurted out, and I clearly must have looked stunned. “I know it’s stupid. Given, well—”
“Shawn, that’s not stupid.”
“I’ve just never had sex with emotion attached—in life, inwork—which is obviously not healthy,” he continued breathlessly. “After the Greta drama, I promised myself I’d only get involved with someone I feel an actual connection with, and you’re, like, the first handsome good person I’ve met in forever, which feelssignificant, but I’m… so confused.”
I tried not to dwell on the fact he’d just called me handsome, especially not when he looked so adrift, but I couldn’t let him spiral. “Look, I’ve been through plenty of… significant stuff recently too. Whatever just happened, you didn’t do it alone,” I said, voice thin. “I guess we’ve both needed some kindness lately, but this would be—”
“Too tricky, yeah.”
“So maybe let’s focus on the game and… be friends?”
He exhaled, even more relieved than me somehow. “I’d like that.Significantfriends.”
“Besides, I’m way too old for you.”
“Oh, I’ve been with men much older than you,” he said blankly, before giving me an impish grin. I laughed in spite of myself, and we eventually rose to wander the garden, the awkwardness dissipating as Shawn went off on impassioned tangents about the show, his love forEndeavorclearly no joke. Eventually I noticed a tiger tattoo on his shoulder, peeking from under his tank top. “Dare I use the word of the day and ask the significance?”
“I thought it’d be cool.” He shrugged. “Not everything has to have significance.”
He smiled so genuinely then that I couldn’t disagree.
18
2015
SEASON 20, EPISODE 3:
