Rage brewed through my whole body, but I couldn’t melt down before the elimination. “I’m walking away.”
He cornered me against the table maze nonetheless, his voice an intense whisper. “Luke, you’re shaking like you’ve got the DTs, so it’s unlikely you’re about to win a stupid round of pinball. Don’t ruin your whole game because you’re hell-bent on eliminating me when I can actuallyhelpyou tonight. If anyone’s a legitimate threat to the kids getting that prize pot, it’s not the person who currently shares custody with you…” His eyes then purposefully traveled to Imogen, pacing by video village.
So that was his master plan. “Don’t you fucking dare,” I said lowly.
“Luke, it’s time to be objective—”
“Well,objectively, I’m taking you the fuck out,” I barked, loud enough that the whole set pivoted in our direction, all regarding me like I was a ticking bomb. But I intended to have only one person in my blast radius.
2005
SEASON 3, EPISODE 4:
“Liars and Whiners and Bears, Oh My!”
“And boom goes the dynamite!” Our male team members drunkenly cheered in unison, thrusting their beer steins in the air. As the Tribulation winners, Helena Malloy had taken our team to a local bar to deliberate for the Trial, an increasingly rare off-site reward (even then they were starting to worry about spoiler culture). Per my plan with Barnes, I’d again volunteered for the Trial and was now killing time with a haggardChip ’n Dale: Rescue Rangerspinball machine when Arjun drifted over. “You don’t have to keep volunteering just because he needs you to,” he said, setting his beer beside mine.
My finger pressed hard on a button. “Barnes isn’t making me do anything.”
“I didn’t say he wasmakingyou. But as someone who’s spent most of their life building an image, I’m betting a fancy PR firm said you need to be the posterchild for Stepford devotion by next November, complete with an NRA membership and homemade apple pie,” he sighed, the pinball machine declaring my failure yet again. “Scootch over, it takes two to win.”
Our arms grazed again and again as we silently manipulated the levers and buttons. Eventually, the ball ricocheted into the jaws of a crocodile, cuing the crackly chorus of the cartoon theme song. My shirt rode up as he high-fived me, the baggy A&F jeans Barnes had bought me drooping just low enough to tease my briefs. Arjun was looking, even if he was trying not to. I promptly excused myself to the grimy bathroom, stumbling so that I dragged my hand across Arjun’s stomach as I passed, leaving him to discern if it was deliberate. My boozy eyes grazed the novelty artwork above the urinals when Arjun snuck in behind me, locking the door. He pulled me into one of the stalls, his mouth against mine, the all-too-familiar flavors of stale beer and stolen moments. “I’ve missed you so much,” he panted.
The theory of kissing Arjun again was different than the practice, as effortless as if the last two years had never happened, and I was so unnerved that I actually said aloud, “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t owe me an apology.” I wasn’t entirely sure I’d meant it for him, but then he said, so devastatingly blunt, “Let’s just enjoy this while we can, okay? Our secret. We won’t even tell Imogen. There’s too much at stake. For both of us this time.”
“Of course,” I answered, instantly remembering the roles we both were playing—and what my part required. “Obviously.”
I blinked back to reality as my ball clattered off the table maze at the tiny mountains demarcating “Alaska,” the seventh time I’d fallen here. No one else had gotten farther except for Greta, who somehow was approaching Season 9’s Norwegian fjords. I again reset the ball and violently propelled it around my old haunts of the Caymans and the Turks before sailing past those Alaskan peaks, their spiteful thorns finally avoided.
“Greta may be slow and steady, but Luke’s burning through,” Ecklund narrated from his plinth. “Does our blond tortoise have a rival in our beefcake hare?”
I grunted past Bali and Costa Rica. Unknown territory for me, solidly on Greta’s tail…
“NowBarnesis throwing caution to the wind, inches behind Luke!” Of course he was.
I glanced at Greta, who neared a wall of carved tigers that divided each map, a slim opening in the middle labeled “Ranthambore.” The person who threaded their ball through first would determine everything.
I would not lose this game. Barnes would never catch me…
2005
SEASON 3, EPISODE 7:
“Iceberg, Dead Ahead!”
The convenient thing about plotting with your fiancé to manufacture a secret romance with your ex-boyfriend is you aren’t too worried about getting caught. At least by your fiancé.
After Arjun kissed me at the bar, there were joking notes hidden in shower caddies and knees discreetly brushing on the rickety bus that shepherded us to the Trials. In retrospect, it’s stunning how unperturbed Barnes was by what he knew was happening, but I think he was just that confident in himself. As much as I craved Arjun, I was certain I’d never leave Barnes. This was a last hurrah, an extinction burst of old habits before Barnes and I quitEndeavorforever, one more game within the game.
Until Glacier Bay. This was the first timeEndeavorhad a luxury sponsor, and the cast salivated to learn the Tribulation came with a special prize. After a silly obstacle course navigating cardboard icebergs,the fastest time received a night onDioscuri, the newest addition to the Mirage cruise line. “And the winner gets a plus-one!” Ecklund cheered.
Barnes was adamant I not pick him if I got it. “When the cat’s away, the mice decide to kill the cat,” he warned. When I handily won, I knew I had to set Barnes up for his performance beside Greta (in pigtails no less). “Luke, I don’t want to ruin it for you. You know I get seasick,” he whimpered. I wasn’t expecting tears, but he knew the footage he’d generate, me cradling him in my arms. When the episode aired, it was synchronized with one of Barnes’ first major campaign events, a viewing party of the episode followed by a passionate speech I’d heavily ghostwritten about traditional values transcending traditional definitions.Timeoffered him an op-ed after.
Even Arjun was surprised I chose him, I guess assuming I’d pick Imogen. She seemed relieved by my decision though, as if this was proof all peace treaties were secure. I spouted platitudes about rebuilt friendships, and Mary Peach ushered us to the waiting chopper. We sailed over acres of wilderness until the monolithic glacier appeared, an army of crystalline teeth shoved to the ocean’s edge, the gleaming cruise ship anchored amid scattered bergs.
“I’ll resist the obvious Kate, Leo, and Billy Zane jokes,” Arjun said under his breath as we filmed perfunctory promenades across the empty ship. The first voyage for paying customers was a week away, so everything was spotless. A gourmet dinner followed with a fleet of waiters, and I was bewitched, Arjun dreamily watching me absorb it all. These splendors were hardly foreign to him, but I’d never experienced anything this opulent. That we still wore ourEndeavorjerseys only made it more surreal.
