“Oh, Jamar,” she whispered, reaching for him.
His first instinct was to pull away, but he allowed her to take his hand. He needed the comfort, craved it. He’d been alone with these thoughts for too damn long.
He used his free hand to pull his phone from his pocket. He swiped his thumb across the screen and scrolled through his old voicemails.
He hit play.
His stomach lurched at the sound of Silas’s voice, the layer of panicked concern blanketing the words as he pleaded with Jamar to pick up the phone. A heavy silence hung in the air after the ten-second recording ended.
“I play this whenever I find myself starting to enjoy life too much,” he admitted.
“Goodness, Jamar. Why would you do that to yourself?”
“Why shouldn’t I? Why should I get to enjoy any of this after what I did to him? The other driver was found to be at fault, but Silas never should have been on the road. He should have been at the party. If I’d only answered one text, even if it was just to tell him I wasn’t coming, he would still be here.
“And you know what’sreallyfucked up? Everyone feltsobad for me. The entire town knew how close me and Silas were, so they treated me like I’d lost a brother, not knowing that I’m the reason my brother is no longer here.”
“Jamar—”
“He would still be here, Taylor. He would be playing in the NFL—he was one of the top prospects in the nation.” Jamar closed his eyes, but he couldn’t hold in the hot tears that began to stream down his face. “He had no idea that we were in this one-sided competition, that I used him as this twisted kind of motivation. He deserved so much better than me.”
Jamar felt the soft pad of her thumb swipe at his cheek.
“I’m not going to tell you that it wasn’t your fault, because you’ve spent too many years believing that it is.”
“Who else’s fault would it be? He left the party to look for me!”
“Who’s to say Silas wouldn’t have had an accident on his way home from the party, no matter when he left?” she countered.
“You think I haven’t tried to tell myself that lie? That I haven’t tried to convince myself that this was Silas’s fate and it would have happened no matter what?” Jamar shook his head. “It’s bullshit. He’s dead because ofme. You can come up with however many excuses you want to, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“Do you know what else won’t change anything?” she asked. “You playing this ‘what if’ game. What have you gained by blaming yourself all these years?” She cupped his jaw in her palms. “You need to ask yourself what would Silas want for you. Based on what you’ve told me about him, he wouldn’t want you holding on to this pain, Jamar.”
She tilted his face down to meet hers, and with exquisitely gentle care, pressed her lips to his. The unearned compassion shattered the tenuous hold he had on his emotions.
Jamar could do nothing to stop the tears that rolled down his cheeks, so he let them fall. Even as he lost himself in Taylor’s delicious kiss, he allowed the seemingly endless, cleansing tears to run their course. He could only hope that healing would eventually follow.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Taylor stood before the mirror and slipped on the Tiffany earrings her parents had given her for her sixteenth birthday. She checked the pins in her hair, making sure they were secure enough to hold the braids in the updo she’d fashioned for tonight’s party.
There was a short knock on her door before it swung open. Freddie signed for her to hurry up and come downstairs.
Taylor signed back,In a minute.
Knowing Freddie wouldn’t leave without her, Taylor grabbed the gold wrap that she’d bought to go with her black sequined jumpsuit and a small matching clutch. She gave herself a final once-over in the mirror before following her impatient niece downstairs.
Her entire family had assembled in the great room. Everyone was decked out in black and gold, the official Army colors, and the official colors for tonight’s celebration. She spotted Jamar standing near the fireplace and damn near tripped over her own feet.
Other than in pictures online, this was her first time seeing him in a suit. She had not been ready. The tailored jacket hugged his chiseled shoulders and tapered down to his waist. He’d paired it with a cream-colored shirt and black-and-gold paisley tie. Forget being a snack, this man was the entire freaking buffet.
She headed for him, but when she walked past where Darwin sat on the edge of the sofa, her brother reached out and grabbed her by the wrist.
“Wait a minute,” Darwin said.
Taylor noticed Jamar take a step forward, but she held up a hand.
“What?” she said to her brother.
