“He was.” Jamar swallowed. The lump in his throat had grown bigger in the last couple of minutes, to the point that it felt as if he’d choke on it. “And he lost his life because of it. Because of me.”
Taylor vigorously shook her head, her wide eyes bright with dismay. “Don’t say—”
“It’s true,” Jamar forced out, the words like acid on his tongue.
A familiar, punishing weight pressed against his chest, a crushing millstone he accepted as his penance for the role he’d played in his friend’s tragic death. For the hardships his actions had caused Silas’s family to endure all these years.
He should stop right now. Taylor wasn’t his therapist. She wasn’t some trash dump here to accept all his garbage.
But keeping this inside was slowly killing him. He needed someone to hear him, to allow him to finally unburden himself of the suffocating guilt he’d harbored for so long.
She took his hand and squeezed it. “Jamar, talk to me. That’s what I’m here for.”
His eyes fell shut as a staggering wave of gratitude crashed over him. How did she know exactly what he needed?
He swallowed several times before he could speak.
“On the night—” His voice still broke. He cleared his throat. “On the night of the accident, the Katy Tigers were playing our biggest rival. There were so many fans there, including scouts from some of the top NCAA programs in the country.
“I had my best game of the season, possibly of my entire high school career. Silas had an amazing game too.” Jamar huffed out a humorless laugh. “But then he always did. That was the problem.”
Taylor’s forehead creased in confusion, as he knew it would.
“The town had dubbed us this amazing duo, but Silas was the real star. He would never admit it, because I’ll be damned if you could find someone more humble than him, but he was a beast on the football field.”
“I think you’re the one being humble,” Taylor said. “I’ve read enough articles about you to know that you were one of the best players in the country.”
“Silas was better,” Jamar said. “He just was. But inthatparticular game—our homecoming game—I was on fire. I’d scored three of our five touchdowns, but we were still trailing by four points with only twenty-three seconds left in the game. Twenty-three seconds to go, my football number. It was meant for me.”
“What happened?” she asked.
“Coach drew up a running play, but our quarterback bobbled the snap before he could get it to me. One of the linebackers for the other team recovered the ball, but then out of nowhere, Silas knocked it out of his hands, grabbed it, and ran it in for the game-winning touchdown.”
“But that’s . . . um . . . that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”
Still holding on to her hand, he reached over and snagged another leaf that had been caught in the weathered railing.
“I guess it’s a good thing if you’re in it for the team and care about more than just yourself,” Jamar said. He studied the veins of the leaf. “The way I saw it, it was Silas showing me up yet again. I can still remember the celebration once time ran out. Everyone was chanting his name, and I just stood there, fucking hating him.”
The words felt like razor blades coming out of his mouth, but he’d held on to this truth for too long. Now that he’d started, he couldn’t stop.
“Some people are born natural athletes, and some have to bust their asses to get up to that level. That’s how it was for me and Silas. I’m not saying he didn’t work hard, because he did. But there was just something about him that made his game look effortless. I resented that I had to worksomuch harder, and yet I still didn’t measure up.” He swallowed. “And that night, when I’dfinallyhad the chance to stand out, once again Silas swooped in and stole all my fire.”
“You were in high school,” Taylor said. “Kids are like that in high school. You’re selfish and stupid and it’s totally understandable, Jamar. But I still don’t get why you think Silas is dead because of you.”
“Because itisbecause of me,” he said.
Jamar scrubbed a hand down his face, wishing he could scrub away the last ten minutes. Why hadn’t he listened to his gut and kept his mouth closed? Why didn’t he consider how Taylor would view him after she learned the truth about him?
But it was too late to take it back. If he didn’t follow through, he risked her jumping to her own awful conclusions. Although Jamar couldn’t think of anything worse than the truth.
He cleared the self-contempt from his throat and continued. “As I said, it was homecoming night. So of course there were parties going on everywhere after the game. A bunch of us from the team had already decided which party we would go to first, but instead of going, I decided to just drive around.
“When I didn’t show up for the party, Silas started texting. For over an hour he kept calling and texting and calling and texting, and I just ignored it.” His voice broke again. “He left one final voicemail, saying that he was worried and that he was going to come look for me.” Jamar blew out a breath. “I ignored that one too.”
He let the leaf fall from his fingers, studying it as it flittered to the wooden trail and landed softly on the bed of crushed leaves already there.
“The next call I got was from his sister, Andrea, asking me to come to the hospital because Silas had been in an accident. He died a few days later.”
