I took my receipt and headed up the street to work, but the nausea was getting worse.
I hadn't thrown up from it yet, but some days, it felt like it was a tiny battle just to keep my breakfast down.
Today as I walked into the office grateful that Nate's early board meeting kept him away, I felt like it would be the day I lost that battle.
So I dropped my jacket and purse on my desk and went straight to the ladies’ room with the white paper sack from the pharmacy.
Getting to work an hour earlier than other staff members meant the floor was quiet, most offices still dark.
I locked myself in the single-occupancy bathroom and leaned against the door, clutching the bag to my chest.
The thought of taking the test terrified me.
But the idea of not knowing was even worse.
I was just torturing myself, anyway.
There were more signs that I was pregnant than I had rationalizations for.
My gut knew it was the case, but my heart just felt too heavy to admit it.
This would force me to confront that truth and simplify at least some of those raging fears.
Still, when the press found out, my pregnant body would be splashed across newspapers and gossip blogs.
Photographers would track my every move, watching my stomach grow, speculating about due dates and baby names and whether Nate would do the right thing and marry me.
The humiliation would be worse than San Diego.
At least then I'd been a victim of someone else's cruelty.
This time, I'd walked into the situation with open eyes. I'd chosen to sleep with my boss without protection and the consequences were all mine to bear.
I pulled the box from the bag and read the instructions with shaking hands.
The test itself was simple.
Remove the cap, hold it in the urine stream for five seconds, replace the cap and wait three minutes.
A plus sign meant pregnant.
A minus sign meant not pregnant.
It was the willpower to overrule my fear that was challenging.
But I unwrapped the test and followed the instructions, my mind numb with dread.
When I finished, I set the test on the edge of the sink and washed my hands, staring at my reflection in the mirror.
I didn't know what to do if it was positive because Nate definitely deserved to know.
He'd all but told me he wanted to marry me, and I knew he loved me.
It wouldn’t be right to keep it from him.
However, with the media storm surrounding him right now, waiting until after the holidays were over and his duties asLightkeeper had passed before springing it on him was the best idea.
At least the circus would've died down and there wouldn’t be cameras in his face.
