Shawn stops abruptly, as if he ran into a wall of realization.
“This is why you only come into the city for book club. Why you keep your distance unless I seek you out.” He turns wounded eyes on me. “Do you…do you even want to be around me?”
This is what I was scared of. That he’d doubt how much I love him.
“Yes, Shawn,” I insist. “Our lives are different, and at first, I couldn’t stop thinking about why. But then we figured it out. Or you did. You didn’t expect me to go to five-star dinners with you and spend a week’s paycheck on one meal. You didn’t take me to fancy events where I didn’t know anyone and felt left out. You found a way to seamlessly incorporate me into your life in the corner where I fit. And I love that corner. I didn’t know it existed until you showed it to me. Book club is my favorite night of the month. I love when you show up at the diner, especially if I get to see you pathetically pine after my best friend.”
A watery chuckle bursts out of his chest, and I realize he’s crying as hard as I am.
“I didn’t keep my distance because I didn’t want to be your sister. I kept it because I didn’t think I could be. But you proved me wrong. And now I’m terrified I’m going to lose you because now you know I’m just another leech in your life taking advantage of how kind and giving you are.”
“Fuck the money, Beth!” Shawn shouts, throwing his hands in the air. “Fucking hell, I know that’s a pretentious thing to say, butfuck the money. Take it. Take more. Never pay me back.” His hands land heavy on my shoulders, forcing me to meet his wide eyes. “I would have justgiven it to you if I thought you would have taken it. You barely managed to ask, and I could see you were about to take it back. I had to trick you into accepting by saying you could pay me back to soften the blow.” He jabs a finger at me. “You are so stubborn.”
“I’m not.”
“Oh really? Are you going to stubbornly fight with me about how not stubborn you are?”
That has my teeth clicking together.
Shawn lets out a deep sigh. “You know, despite the revelations of this conversation, I’m not completely oblivious. I knew you all were having money issues. And I went to your mom first to offer help, but she turned me down flat. Marge did, too. I think mainly not to upset Charlotte. I knew you were my last shot unless I wanted to set up an extravagant lottery-winning ruse to force the money on you. And I would have. But you caved, thank god.” He rubs rough hands over his face, scrubbing the tears away. “I wish I had known how much stress this was causing you. Fuck, I guess Iamoblivious. I just assumed Dad would give you something.”
“Don’t be hard on yourself. Karl knows how to be convincing. George believed him, too.”
Shawn drops his hands. “What do you mean?”
I wave a hand in the air. “Karl said something about not paying it out to me if George was my friend. George thought he was the problem. Because he used to live in his van or whatever.” My mind brings up the long-haired hippie-vibes guy he used to be. Knowing that was George, I better understand how he might have briefly worn the label of fuckup. Although only by the BBN definition.
“But it was me who Karl wanted at a distance. I know you love your dad, but believe me when I say he really does not want me in his life any more than I already am.”
Shawn stares at me, and something unbelievable happens.
I watch my sweet-as-a-golden-retriever-puppy brother go feral.
“He outright told George there was a trust fund for you?” His voice is low with a hint of a growl.
“Uh, yeah. Just like he told you.”
Shawn slowly shakes his head, something like murder in his eyes.
“He nevertoldme anything. I assumed, like a self-involved prick. You’re telling me that Dad not only didn’t set aside money for you, he’s also been lying about it to keep people away from you? Are you fucking with me right now?”
I guess the curtain is getting fully pulled back on Karl Newton today.
“This is secondhand info,” I say, not wanting to speak for anyone else. “Ask George. Ask your dad. I’m not the most reliable source.”
Shawn leans down to scoop me up, his arms crushing me in a hug. The strength of his affection breaks something in me, and although I try to hold back another round of tears, I can’t. They’re slow at first, but then they strengthen into full-body-shuddering sobs. Like the stress of my entire life has built up only to be released in this moment.
My father’s rejection.
My mother’s brushes with death and descents into depression.
My years of wanting a dream I’m so close to yet so far from having.
My guilt at lying to my brother.
My heartache over loving a man but knowing that I’m using him.
“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Shawn murmurs. “You’re not going to pay me back. Ever. Not unless you decide to take our father to court to get all the years of child support he should have been doling out. You do that, and maybe we can talk about it.” He sets his hands on my shoulders, pushing me back so his red, puffy eyes can meet mine. “And from this day forward, you give it to me straight. You finda coffee table to stand on, and you shout in my face.” His thumbs are gentle as they wipe tears off my cheeks. “If we fight, then we go to war.”
