“Probably. Yeah. I don’t know.” LA rubbed his thumb over Cass’s knuckles. “Nothing is ever good enough for her. It never has been. She constantly puts me down, makes me feel like shit no matter what I do. Even if I do what the fuck she wants, Istill didn’t do it right.” He huffed out a breath. “When I try to stand up to her… I don’t know what happens. I just suddenly feel like shit and I shut down and I can’t. Or, my personal fucking favorite, I get angry and lose my shit and then she makes me feel like crap for saying anything.”
Cass stretched out his wing to drape around LA’s shoulders like a blanket. “Family can be difficult. Especially parents. But you know, it is possible to love someone and not have them be a part of your life. Especially if they’re hurting you.”
“I wish it was that easy.” LA frowned. “I feel like something is wrong with me. I can’t just cut her off. I can’t. Just thinking about it makes my fuckin’ heart hurt and I feel physically fucking sick.”
“Because you love her.”
“Yeah. I mean, she’s my mother. What the fuck do you do when your mother is a monster?” LA cringed. “Sorry. I’m sure that’s insulting to monsters somehow.”
“It’s all right. I don’t mind.” Cass used his wing to hug LA closer. “But you need to know that there’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries with her.”
“What do you mean?”
“If you’re not comfortable with cutting her out of your life or blocking her, as Brandon suggested, you can limit the information you share with her. The more you tell her about what’s going on in your life, the more she can use to manipulate you. If you do choose to share things with her, limit them to safe topics. Like, how you recently enjoyed an incredibleFireflymarathon!”
LA smiled weakly. “We still need to finish that, you know.”
“Yes, we do. But something else you should probably keep in mind? Drag your expectations for her right down to rock bottom.”
“Why?”
“Well, you already know that she hurts you. Don’t set yourself up for failure by thinking that any future interaction with her will be any different than what you’ve already experienced.”
LA scoffed. “You mean I should just expect her to always be fucking awful?”
“You’d probably save yourself some heartache. And a fair bit of disappointment. If she actually manages to be kind when you speak to her? Well, yay! Look at that! A pleasant surprise! But otherwise, I wouldn’t invest too much more of your precious energy in expecting anything more from her. From what I’m gathering, she sounds like a narcissist. They tend to be big ol’ black holes who take and take and, well—”
“Like Gavin,” LA said quietly.
“Yes.” Cass squeezed LA’s hand.
“I’ve let her beat me down and control me, to constantly make me feel like shit about every little fucking thing I do and everything that’s important to me… Just like Gavin did.” LA’s eyes stung again. “Fuck.” He stared up at Cass. “Why the fuck am I like this?”
“Elly, no, no.” Cass shook his head quickly. “There is nothing wrong with you, sweetheart. Nothing at all. Their actions define what horrible people they are. Not you.”
“But I feel so fucking stupid now.”
“Don’t,” Cass insisted. “Recognizing that there’s a problem is the first step. You saw how Gavin was abusing you and now you’re able to see that same pattern in how your mother treats you. You can’t change her. And that’s okay. What you can change is you and how you deal with her. Take that control back, set boundaries, and focus on putting your energy into people who will give you a fair return. Like Brandon! I like Brandon.”
“And you,” LA said softly. “You’ve been so good to me. And patient. And kind. Even when I didn’t deserve it.”
“Everyone deserves kindness. Especially when they don’t think they do.”
“Yeah? ’Cause I pretty much feel like crap right about now. I was such an asshole to you.”
“Try to think of it as growing pains,” Cass suggested. “You feel bad because you recognize now that your behavior was harmful. When you look back on those moments andugh, feel like you want tocringe, it just shows how much you’ve grown.”
LA snorted. “You really have some shiny sweet Hallmark card answer for everything, don’t you?”
“Hmm. Well, not everything.” Cass kissed the top of LA’s head. “I hope it helps. I know I tend to ramble on quite a bit.”
“What? You?” LA gasped. “Never.”
“I detect sarcasm.”
“No shit.” LA laughed a little, and the sweet levity he’d experienced earlier returned. He felt light once more, snuggling into Cass’s arms and holding him as tightly as he could. “Thank you.”
“You are so very welcome, Elly.” Cass purred. “If you really do want to reclaim the paintings, I will not stop you. But I very much hope you reconsider. You’re very talented, and while it may not ever make you a fortune, I do think you have a gift that should be shared with the world.”
