“I feel…”
The feelings were hard to describe, but they were turning his stomach inside out, and his skin was no longer his own. It was too hot, too achy, and he wanted to dive into the deepest fuckin’ part of the ocean to escape it.
“I feel fuckin’ dirty.” Noah squeezed his eyes closed so he wouldn’t have to look at Alistair. “Look, I know, I fuck around a lot. I like having a good time. But I just… I feel fuckin’ rotten right now.”
“Why? There’s no shame in living well and enjoying yourself.” Alistair tilted his head. “Do you regret giving yourself to me?”
“No. Yes?”
“Did you ever regret any of the others?”
“Yeah…”
“Why?”
“It’s pathetic.” Noah couldn’t believe he’d said it out loud. “You were right. I throw myself at these assholes like Medina, try to get them to like me the only fuckin’ way I know how and… Well, you saw how that shit went down. He used me. Just like everybody else does.”
“So I am aware.” Alistair ran his fingers through Noah’s hair.
“You’re using me too. Aren’t you?”
“Of course I am. But you’re also using me.” Alistair smiled. “You allowed yourself to be claimed by me because there’s something you want from me.”
Noah knew better than to suggest anything about his uncle’s innocence, so he said, “A hard dick and a good fucking?”
“Comfort. Reliability. Affection.” Alistair kissed the top of Noah’s head. He didn’t even scold him for cursing. “You lash out, daring someone to put you in your place, and no one has yet. You crave the discipline and structure that life cheated you out of when your parents died and your uncle refused to raise you, and you are terrified of being alone.”
Noah gulped.
Alistair raised his brows meaningfully.
“Well, I sure hope I’m as wise as you are when I get to be your age.”
Alistair snorted.
“You really know your stuff,” Noah conceded. “And maybe, okay, you’re right about some of that shit. But…” He paused, guts churning as he tried to summon the courage to voice what was burning up his brain. “How long is this gonna last?”
“That remains to be seen.” Alistair dropped his hand and rubbed Noah’s back. “You’re already scared of losing me, hmm?”
“No!” Noah spat stubbornly.
Alistair laughed. “Well, allow me to assure you that you’ve piqued my interest. I do enjoy a challenge, and it’s been quite some time since I had a boy as formidable as you.”
“When was that? Back in the Stone Age with the dinosaurs?”
“Mm. Very creative.” Alistair’s bright eyes scanned over Noah’s face for a few moments. “Are you ready to attend the party now?”
“Yeah, sure.” Noah shifted. “Could we chill for a bit? Just a couple more minutes?”
“As you wish.”
Noah sank back down into Alistair’s embrace, letting himself enjoy the warmth and strength he found there.
He was so fucked.
He had no idea what he was doing, but he wanted everything Alistair had to offer and then some. He’d finally done it; he’d lost his fucking mind. This was the man who was holding him prisoner, who was planning to murder his uncle…
And you just let him fuck you in your uncle’s damn bed.
