Fuck, the damn safe word.
“Calvarium clamp.”
Cypress immediately pulled off, looking up at Tom worriedly. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” He was already fixing Tom’s pants and taking his hands, asking again, “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“I want to go home,” Tom whispered, hating how weak he sounded. He was worried he was going to throw up, and he felt awful for disappointing Cypress. He could see it in his face, and he knew he’d probably ruined their entire night.
“Okay, wait right here.” Cypress kissed his cheek, quickly stepping over to the bar where Lady Villalongo was chatting with Jonah.
Tom kept his head firmly planted between his hands, staring down at the floor. He didn’t hear what was said, and he was terrified to look up. He couldn’t stand the idea of accidentally making eye contact with the guy who had been jerking off.
He was probably as upset as Cypress.
“Come on,” Cypress said, gently taking Tom’s arm and helping him stand. He didn’t sound angry, only concerned. “Let’s go, okay?”
“Okay.”
Jonah was there to escort them out, and Tom didn’t say a word until they were back in the car and pulling out of the driveway.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry—”
“Hey, hey,” Cypress cut in, reaching for Tom’s hand. “Don’t be sorry. It’s okay, baby. I’m not mad. Talk to me. What happened?”
Tom didn’t say anything, closing his eyes to block out Mrs. Dresser’s screaming.
“Hey, Tom?” Cypress pressed. “Don’t shut down on me, Tom. Please. Tell me what happened that upset you so much.”
“Can… can we just wait until we get home?”
“Sure. Whatever you need.”
Tom kept his head pressed against the window the whole drive back, trying to sort out what he was going to say. By the time they were parking in his driveway, he still had no idea how to explain how or why he’d gotten so overwhelmed.
He let Cypress inside and took Mister Doodles for her walk, his mind still racing.
Watching that man getting spanked andsoundedhad been invigorating. The man had looked like he was in absolute heaven, and Tom had felt such heat, such rawdesire, and even envy. He’d gotten a tiny taste of that thrill when Cypress had gone down on him while they were being watched—sure, it was an audience of one, but still—and yet everything had gone so wrong.
Shame.
That was the sensation weighing down in his gut now.
Shame for not being able to comfort Mrs. Dresser in her agony, shame for liking all the filthy things he’d seen tonight and liking them even more when Cypress was doing them to him.
He tried to tell himself there was nothing wrong with not being able to do anything for Mrs. Dresser. She had been suffering a loss that no parent should ever have to go through, and there truly wasn’t anything he could have done for her.
But the other stuff…
Was he some kind of pervert? What the hell was wrong with him? A little spanking wasn’t so bad, but getting his dick sucked while someone was watching? Wanting something to goinhis dick?
Cypress had told him there wasn’t anything wrong with the things they did, but then why did he still feel so mortified?
Because you wouldn’t ever be doing these things if he wasn’t blackmailing you?
That wasn’t it. The threat of blackmail relieved Tom of the responsibility, yes, but it wasn’t what had created this desire. That was all his, and he didn’t know how to own up to it.
Defeated, he trudged back into the house and let Mister Doodles off her leash. Cypress was waiting for him in the kitchen, offering him a glass of wine.
“Sorry I didn’t ask before I opened it,” Cypress said with a gentle smile. “Thought you might need it.”
