“Pretty sure he’s always gonna be a tool,” Jules said, chuckling under his breath.
“Fair point, Jules.”
“I’m very good at eliminating threats,” Mickey crossed his arms over his chest. “You sure you don’t want me to scope out this place for a few days?”
“You are the very best, Mr. Tamerlane. That is not the issue. Time is. We need to do this quickly, and I cannot say when Matteo would show himself for you to take a shot. They’re set to stay there for weeks, and that is not acceptable.”
“Excuse me, your Coldness?” Valdemar raised his hand. “While that is a brilliant plan, just totally and absolutely dazzling, there is another way.”
Cold was obviously annoyed, but he waved for Valdemar to elaborate.
Valdemar cautiously approached him, his eyes shining. “You said our foes were shacked up in the Mordecai district, yes? Those houses are antiques. Ancient. Classic—”
“Yes?” Cold pressed.
“But they were renovated!” Valdemar exclaimed. “There was a terrible fire in the eighties, jumped from house to house, nearly took everything, and oh, the repairs! That’s what will do it! Nearly all new construction in the last fifty years utilizes a lovely bit of engineering called an I-joist! Oh, good sir, how they wouldburn.”
Now Cold was interested, and he leaned forward. “Explain.”
“I-joists are two pieces of wood with a section of oriented strand board glued between them. Great for reinforcing roofs and making floors that don’t have pesky creaks, but they are not fans of fire. They will fail in a matter of minutes. Collapse, destruction, all very good!”
“How quickly would it burn?”
“If you started the fire on the top floor, it could potentially consume the home in fifteen to thirty minutes if left unchecked. Fire needs to breathe, you see. Once it’s broken through the roof, it can get all the delicious oxygen that it needs to grow. I imagine the home is furnished with modern trappings, yes?”
“That matters?”
“Oh, yes, your Coldness,” Valdemar gushed. “Modern furniture is made with many synthetic materials that burn quite well. Not like all of this here.” He waved around them. “Older homes such as this actually take much longer to burn. Mm, they can smolder for hours—”
“Focus, Mr. Valdemar.”
“Yes, my apologies, good sir.” Valdemar beamed. He seemed very proud of himself. “I mean to say that a fire would be a very, very viable option if you want to draw out all of the Luchesi plebeians in a timely manner.”
Cold seemed to be considering it, and he looked to Jules.
“Fire fuckin’ works for me,” Jules said. “Just think. They’re all gonna come runnin’ outta there. It’ll be easy pickin’.
“But how exactly would we get into this top floor to start the fire, hmm?” Jerry asked Valdemar. “They’re not going to let you just stroll right in.”
“Of course not, dear boy!” Valdemar laughed. “That’s why you must first injure the external air conditioning unit, forcing them to call a repair shop and we pose as repairmen!”
“How could you possibly know which one they will call?”
“Most of the homes in that area were last serviced under a warranty plan, and there is only one such shop that possesses the contract for HVAC work. A simple snatch of the company vehicle when they’re en route and voila! You have a uniform, a van, and the proper credentials to pass through the home…” He grinned. “And up into the attic to check the secondary unit.”
“How the fuck do you know all this?” Jules demanded. He looked a bit awestruck.
Mickey had to admit he was impressed too.
“Oh! Yes!” Valdemar’s smile turned sheepish. “Because that’s what I was planning to do to burn it down again.”
“Again?” Cold raised his brows.
“Ah, of course. The fire I mentioned. The one in the eighties. That was me. Some of my more reductive and primitive work, I admit, and I was never satisfied with the result.”
“Aw, don’t be so modest!” Thirdsies exclaimed. “Come on, Grandpa. That was a great fire. There was so much property damage.”
“Thank you, my boy. That’s very kind of you. I was such a young arsonist. I didn’t even know the true joys of using accelerants then.”
