“I really am,” he says sincerely and feels his stomach make a small leap when Jeremy flashes a shy and nervous smile at him. His cheeks are still flushed from the cold and his exertion on the ice. It’s a smile so similar to the one Sergio saw flit across Jeremy’s face the moment they broke their kiss, right before Jeremy asked Sergio if they could put a pin in what they were doing until after the Olympics. It makes him want to go back in time—not to yesterday, but to that very moment. The day he screwed up. This stupid time loop is keeping him trapped in correcting the wrong mistake. But perhaps he can fix it now. “And I’m sorry for ditching you four years ago. I shouldn’t have done that.”
The smile leaves Jeremy’s face, and he tugs at his left eye. “It was for the best,” he says, sighing.
“I don’t think that it was.”
“Why?” Jeremy asks, his expression blank, his tone flat.At least this time he’s not yelling at me. “Would it have made a difference anyway? Would you have come to my hospital bedside and held my hand after I collapsed from that migraine? Would you have helped me stand up when I woke up from it and my right foot no longer worked as it was supposed to and my back ached and refused to straighten with ease, making me hunch like a rigid old man? When I was released from the hospital and shipped back to the states, would you have taken me to endless physical therapy appointments and rehab only so I could function as a shadow of myself?”
Sergio stands with his mouth agape, almost forgetting Henry latched onto his hip. How did Sergio end up here again? Why is Jeremy so hellbent on having this conversation during his apology? And why does he doubt him so much? Is it that hard to take Sergio’s words today at face value?
Truth is, Jeremy is right. Sergio wouldn’t have handled what happened to Jeremy well at all. In fact, he would have made it worse with his chronic selfishness and inability to see any situation outside of how it affects him. However, fate and time have a funny way of forcing someone to learn the lessons they need to, no matter how painful the experience. Learning how to consider others beyond his own needs is a long and arduous process. He’s simply going to have to take it day by repeated day.
“I thought Henry was my only audience.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“It’s alright, I guess. Honestly, I haven’t had an audience in four years. I was hoping I’d never have to get used to that again.”
“I hardly count as an audience.”
“Where’s Holden? I figured he’d grab Henry.”
“I told him I wanted to do it instead.”
“What for?”
“I wanted to apologize to you for yesterday.”
“I owe you an apology.”
“I shouldn’t have said what I said last night.”
“I wanted to tell you that I was sorry.”
Sergio takes a breath. Maybe the fourteenth time be the charm. “I need to apologize to you for yesterday.”
Jeremy looks him up and down. “Go on,” he encourages.
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you?” Jeremy asks for what feels like the one hundredth time. But who’s counting?
Feeling defeated and frustrated yet again, Sergio pushes on. “I am,” he says, this time leaving out any mention of the past and trying to focus only on his current mistakes in Jeremy’s present.
“No offense, but I’m not exactly keen to believe you.”
Goddamn it. How hard is it to get someone to accept an apology?
The honest answer when it comes to Sergio is very hard. But, as he’s slowly figuring out, when it comes to forgiveness, sayingsorry is hardly ever enough. A person needs to show they mean the words. They need to back it up. Cash the metaphorical check their mouth wrote with their actions.
No one wants an empty apology. Or one made under duress. Even if that duress is an endless loop of tries.
“I thought Henry was my only audience,” Jeremy says as he spots Sergio sitting on the rink’s ledge with Henry on his lap once again. He slows in his tracks, gracefully dropping his arms to his sides, and coming to a stop a few feet away, blushing.
“Sorry,” Sergio says. “I should have announced myself.”
“It’s alright, I guess. Honestly, I haven’t had an audience in four years. I was kind of hoping I’d never have to get used to it again.”
“I hardly count as an audience,” Sergio says, then having an epiphany and finally remembering what he promised Jeremy years ago before he watched him on the ice the first time at the Olympic practice rink, he adds, “Besides, I followed your request and didn’t bring my camera.”
