But Jensen’s call the other night froze me. I know there are going to be spirals. Temptations. Hard days. But the what-ifs…
What if he hadn’t called?
What if he’d taken the gummy? Drank the alcohol? Or worse…
I can’t even let my mind go there. If it did, I’d run again.
I’m proud of him for calling. I am. And I’m trying,really trying, to be okay with where he is in his journey. Because this man holding me in his arms?
I love him more than life.
So much it hurts.
But…what if?
I know too well:once an addict, always an addict.
I’m still here, though. Still wanting him. Still wondering. Toeing the line between insanity, love, and lust.
I break the kiss, catching my breath. “We could have sex, you know,” I whisper. “Just for tonight.” Forcing my gaze to his, I try to calm my racing heart. “But I’m still unsure about what I want long term. And honestly, I don’t think I’m in the best headspace to make big decisions right now. Not with my dad just getting home. But…”
I press my hand to his stomach, fingers slipping beneath the hem of his shirt. “It’d be fun.” I brush my lips over his.
His forehead drops to mine. “Fuck, babe. Don’t tell me that.” His shaky breaths mingle with mine, and I take a moment to explore the firmness of his abs beneath my fingertips.Good Lord, it turns me on.
The meditation room kiss last weekend?Wow.I could’ve dropped to my knees right then and there. I was ready to tear his clothes off. Completely forgot where we were. It caught me off guard.
Iwanthim to say it’s fine. To take me right here in the kitchen. Iwantto rip his shirt off and study every inch of his skin. Of his tattoo. Iwantto feel him inside me again.
But I need him to hold back. To respect the space of uncertainty I’m still in. To prove that he’s still the same patient man—the kind with a willpower only God could give. The one who never rushed me. Not even when he was starving for more.
Because that’s the old Jensen. He could ruin you in the best way… but only once he has permission.
I’m giving it.
… Sort of.
He pushes away from me with a restraint I haven’t seen since we first started dating. “I’ll go get the package for Leo.”
Dammit.But also, I needed that. To see him resist.
He turns, walking toward what I assume is the master bedroom. Matt had something shipped here for Leo and asked if I could take it to him.
His place here is nice, an upscale condo in downtown Chicago, but it’snormalnice. Not like the ritzy, oversized penthouse he owns in New York.
Everything about tonight has felt normal, in the best way. Jensen took me to dinner. Then a comedy show, where we laughed our asses off for two straight hours. It’s been fun. Maybe the most fun I’ve had since I moved here.
Jensen’s always been a good time, though. It’s one of the many reasons I fell for him in the first place.
He appears again, carrying a medium-sized box in his arms. “C’mon. I’ll walk you down to your car.”
My heart sinks a little.Why did I suddenly want him to set the box down and say screw it?
I reluctantly open the door and trail after him down the hall like a sad, love-sick puppy.
“Is it heavy?” I ask. “I can take it so you don’t have to come all the way down.”
“No. But I’m not letting you go to the parking garage this late by yourself.”
