It’s silent for a minute before I blurt, “I kissed Jensen—er, I let him kiss me. No, I definitely kissed him. Asked for it, even.”
God, I’m a mess.
I wince as I wait for judgment, my lips pressed tight, eyes squeezed shut.
“Okaaaay,” she finally says slowly, like she’s still trying to wrap her head around it. Then, “Shit, Alley. I love you, but what the fuck are you doing? Did you forget how bad it got? You cried on my couch for weeks. You barely ate. Barely slept. You said you were done.”
“I know.” It’s all I can say. I feel stupid, because she’s right. Of course she’s right.
She exhales loudly. “I’ll support you. Always. So if this is what you want, I’m here for it. But, I need to know this is truly what you want and not just what feels good right now. That you’re not getting caught up in the moment. I need to know you’re thinking clearly.”
“Of course I haven’t forgotten. Trust me, I know how this looks. But it feels different this time. I never felt that before. Ihopedfor it. I wanted it… but I never really felt it like I do now. I mean, he’s been clean for six months.Six months.That’s half a year. A hundred and eighty days. That’s amiraclecompared to where we were. That’s got to count for something. And what if, Scarlett? What if he stays clean forever? Do I want to throw away that chance? If he stays clean, there’s no one else I’d rather be with.”
“I know that’s how you feelright now.You still love him. But that will fade with time. You’re still young. You’re beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll find someone else. Someone who won’t break your heart.”
Dammit. It’s harsh. But that’s what I love about her. She will never sugar coat the truth. Doesn’t bullshit anything. We have the kind of relationship where we give each other grace because that’s what friends are supposed to do.
Even still, it stirs a bitterness deep within. Scarlett was the least forgiving and understanding of all my friends. She told me to leave from the first time I told her. And when I mentioned that he had come to visit me in the hospital, she told me to be careful. She knows me better than anyone—second only to Jensen.
“I don’t want to find someone else,” I mumble into the phone, holding back tears.
“But you will.”
“Is that why you’re still single?”Shit.That just slipped out. I didn’t mean it like that.
“That’s different,” she says, no offense taken, thank God. “I’m happy with the way things are. Sure, if someone came along that checked all my boxes, I’d be happy about it. But I’m perfectly content being single. At least for now. Plus, I’m way harder to get along with than you.” She pauses. “But that’s beside the point. Okay. I’ve said my piece. Spoke my truth as best friend. Andnow, also because I’m your best friend, I want to know all about this kiss.Don’tleave out any details.”
A grin spreads across my face. She checks allmyboxes when it comes to best friend. Honestandsupportive.
I divulge the evening in full detail, leaving nothing out, and she listens, making a point to ask questions and react appropriately.
By the time I say goodbye I don’t have any more clarity than before. If anything, I feel more conflicted. Scarlett’s words linger, challenging my thoughts. Talking me out of the way that I feel.
I let the war between my heart and mind continue as I drift off to sleep. Giving all the fresh ammunition I can to my heart?—
Because that’s who I want to win.
Chapter Eighteen
ALLEY
“Mmm.Oh my God. This whipped goat cheese with the fig jam is to die for,” I say, grabbing one more and popping it into my mouth.
“Ew. Goat cheese tastes like what I imagine a foot would taste like.” Cooper makes a face and points to the next tray. “I like the caprese skewer things. What do you think, babe?”
She looks at Ryan, who sits next to her. He finishes off a sample of red wine and lifts a brow. “The tomato things? Not my favorite. But not a no if you love them.” He reaches for the bottle and pours himself another sample. The plastic tasting cups are just slightly larger than a shot glass.
Across from me, Vivian lets out a noise that can only be described as sexual. “Oh my God. I’m with Alley. This is divine,” she says, tossing the rest of her goat cheese bite into her mouth.
We’re menu tasting for Ryan and Cooper’s wedding this spring. Cooper said Ryan’s too agreeable, so she brought us as backup to help make the tough decisions.
“So the goat cheese is out?” Sandy, the event manager, asks, pen poised above her clipboard.
“No, not yet. If everyone else likes it, I’ll keep it as an option.” Cooper glances at Ryan. “Babe? Can you try the goat cheese thing and tell me your thoughts?”
He picks one up and pops it into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. “I like it.”
She stares at him. “And?”
