“You existed before Alley. And based on our conversations, I take it you were quite happy before you met her. You’ll learn how to exist and be happy again… with or without her.”
I shake my head. “No. You don’t get it. I thought I was happy. But I didn’t know there was this whole other level of happiness. It’s probably like what my sister tells me about having kids. Thatyou think you understand love and purpose, but you don’t really get it until you do.”
I pause, my voice breaking as I try to explain.
“That’s what Alley is for me. She gives happiness a whole new meaning. She brings a purpose I didn’t know existed.” I scrub a hand down my face. “Now that I’ve had that, how the hell am I supposed to go back? Losing her feels like death. Going back to the way things were before? That’s not happy. That’s not meaningful.”
She waits a moment, giving my words space to breathe. Then, calmly, she says, “I imagine she felt something very similar, watching the person she loved slip away.”
Fuck.That one stings.
I swallow, trying to push back the truth of her words, but the ache’s too strong—lodged in my throat, heavy in my chest, and sharp in my gut.
Nina doesn’t let up. I like that about her. She’s smart and genuine, a really great therapist. But she’s also a hard-ass. She calls bullshit—and often.
“You’re grieving, Jensen. And it’s okay to feel like this. It’s normal. But you’re not trying to exist in a world without her. You’re trying to rebuild your world so that, regardless of who’s in it, you can stand on your own.”
Her voice stays gentle but firm. “You don’t have to give up on her. Maybe she’ll come around someday. But I don’t want you clinging to that as your lifeline.” She pauses, letting the words sink in. “I don’t want you holding on to false hope—the kind that keeps you stuck or stops you from healing. Because you didn’t come here just for her. She might’ve been the push, but you’re the reason you stayed. You’re the reason you’re still here.”
My throat tightens again.
“You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. And you get to decide how big the prize is at the end of all this. Whether she’sthere or not,youhave to be. You can’t give up on yourself—not anymore. Not ever.”
I close my eyes.
She’s right.
I know she is. And while I don’t want to imagine a life without Alley, I can’t keep believing she’s my only path to happiness.
Nina gently closes her notebook. “We’re going to hold space for both: the man who misses her, and the man who’s trying to come back to himself. Okay?”
I nod, barely holding it together.
“Can you keep showing up for him, too?”
I nod again—firmly this time, even as my lips tremble.
“Good.” She offers a soft smile, one that says she’s proud of me. I’m not sure why it matters so much, but God, I need that smile. Like maybe, buried beneath all my failures, I’ve done something right. Like she sees some good in me.
I let her words soak into me like a sponge. I am doing this for me.
I still have a life to live, and I refuse to live it the way I was.
But that doesn’t mean I have to stop wanting Alley.
I know my purpose. I know my end goal. When I go home, I’ll be clean, strong, and better than before.
And I’ll have done it for me.
It hasn’t been easy—not even close. And I’ve still got six more weeks to go. I just have to keep remembering who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.
I want to be the kind of man Alley might fall back in love with.
The kind of man she’d be proud of.
The kind of man I used to be.
A smile tugs at my lips as a memory sweeps in, Matt and me on the couch, talking about Alley. About the first time I saw her.God, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Matt looked at me and said,A hospital unit’s never stopped you before.
