I thought maybe she just needed a break, like the time she went to Chicago but came back a few days later. This time, she didn’t.
I crashed, worse than ever before. I was doing shit I’d never done. Smoking or snorting anything put in front of me. I didn’t give a fuck what it was. It wasn’t even about the pain in my knee anymore, it hadn’t been for a long time. I wanted the escape.
Because that feeling of losing Alley—it was unbearable. Like Jack and Rose on the Titanic, only I’m not even sure which one of us was Jack and which one was Rose. Either way, I couldn’t breathe without her.
I was drowning. Sinking straight to the bottom. And I think she knew if she didn’t let go, I’d take her down with me.
Leaving me was her raft.
I had to lose her to hit rock bottom. Something had to give for me to change. And Alley gave—she gave up.
Fuck.
“What’s the point of all this if the one person I care about is gone?” My voice is hoarse, bitter. “Why am I even here?” I look at Nina. “She gave up on me.”
She holds my gaze. “Let’s explore that. Why don’t you tell me what matters to you?”
My eyes drop to the floor. I don’t want to talk. Not right now. I’m too emotional, too deep in it. My thoughts won’t stop spiraling.
Goddammit.I’m fucking sad. I’m devastated.
When I don’t say anything, Nina flips back through her notebook. “I have a list here,” she says gently. “Things that you’ve told me matter to you.”
She starts reading, “Matt. Megan. Kevin,” then continues, naming every member of my family. “Your job. Your clients. Your apartment. Weekends in the Berkshires. Ski trips. Your health…”
The list is long—an entire page. And I listen, because I need to hear it.
When she finishes, she meets my gaze. “This is hard. And I feel for you. I really do. I know Alley’s been a driving force in your recovery, but she’s not the only reason you’re here. Remember the guy on the floor?”
I press my lips together and nod.
“You didn’t want to be him. Are you that guy, Jensen?”
I shake my head. “No,” I say quietly.
“Then who are you?”
These are the questions I hate—the ones that crack me open and make me feel vulnerable. I’ve done surprisingly well in therapy, considering it’s my first time, and that I’ve always believed it to be pointless. I resisted it in the beginning, pushed back hard. But little by little, I’ve started to open up.
Still, these are the questions that make me squirm. The ones that dig beneath the surface and make me face who I really am.
They keep telling me to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Because staying clean isn’t some walk in the park. It’s resisting when your body craves. When your ego whispers lies you almost believe. It’s standing at parties and not drinking. It’s saying no when everything inside you screams yes.
It’s fucking uncomfortable.
“Who were you when you met Alley?”
I let out a bitter scoff. “I don’t know… I was fun. Successful. I could always make people laugh. I madeAlleylaugh. All the time. We always had fun together.”
Nina nods slowly. “Tell me more about that. What did you two do together that made her laugh?”
I glance at the wall, eyes stinging. “Everything,” I whisper. “We didn’t even need plans. We’d go for walks and end up on some random bench eating ice cream. Or stay in and watch movies or football. I’d mess with her just to hear her yell at me and start smacking me with pillows. She’d try not to laugh… but she always did.”
A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth, but it fades just as quickly.
“I miss her laugh so much,” I say, the words breaking something loose in my chest. “It’s the best sound in the world.” I rake a hand through my hair. “I can’t lose her, Nina. I know I already have, but… I don’t know how to exist in a world where she doesn’t want me anymore.”
Nina’s quiet for a beat, letting the moment settle.
