But the other part craves ignorance. The easy version of us. I already lived my hard; I don’t want to shoulder his too. I’m afraid of what it might stir up in me. Afraid it’ll make my hard look small in comparison. It’s selfish, I know.
Do I really have to go back there? Can’t I just stay in the good?
I suck in a breath, then let it out slow, cheeks puffing.I can do this. This is what I’ve wanted—for him to get clean. To do the work. To help me understand why he made my life a living hell.
With shaky hands, I slip my thumb under the seal, tearing it open, and pull out the first letter.
Dear Alley,
I hate it here. I’m lonely. I’m bitter, and I’m scared as hell.
Scared to know things. Scared to remember. Scared to face everything. To face me. To talk about it.
I tilt my head back.Oh, God.My throat tightens. My eyes sting.
I take another deep breath, steeling myself.
Therapy’s the worst of it. Digging into all the shit I’ve done, dissecting it, talking about all the people I hurt. All the times I made you cry. I fucking hate it.
And I hate myself.
I’m clean. But the cravings have never been stronger. To numb this. To make it all disappear. To black out and just hope to God I don’t wake.
I feel like a coward for saying that. And I guess I am. Because when shit got hard, I left. I took the easy way out. I didn’t talk to you. I didn’t get the help I needed. I lied.
I acted strong because I didn’t want you to see me as someone who couldn’t take care of you.
I acted out of fear and desperation, and I turned into the one person you never wanted me to be.
Your dad.
Tears slide hot down my cheeks. There’s no stopping them. I inhale slowly through my nose, then look back down.
The one thing you asked of me was to not make you live that hell. And I didn’t just put you there… I rolled out the red carpet and walked you straight into it. I’m so fucking sorry.
All I ever wanted was to make you happy. To be the guy who half deserved you. To be someone who you could raise a family with. To be a good dad. Better than yours was. But I failed you.
I missed the mark. I wasn’t even close. And I didn’t even see it coming. That’s the hardest part. That someone like me could end up here. I never thought it possible.
I knew I was addicted long before I could admit I was an addict. It happened fast. By the time I realized, it was too late. You knew. Matt knew. Mom knew. Everyone knew but me. Even though I did. I just lived in denial. It couldn’t be me. I wouldn’t do that. I’m smarter than that. Stronger than that. Successful. Better.
And why me, Al? Why did this have to happen? I didn’t want this. I just wanted the pain gone. I just wanted to be your husband. To show up for you. To work. To avoid another surgery.
I just wanted to be married to my best friend. To travel, to make memories. I wanted to make you a mother, because goddamn, nothing’s sexier than the thought of you with our kids. You’ll be an amazing mom. I just hope I get to see it. That you’ll still be here waiting when I get out.
Ink smears where my tears fall.
I’m going to work hard in here. For you. For me. For our future family. Even though I hate it.
I’ll do it this time. I’ll stay clean. For good. I’ll talk about all the shit. I’ll do anything to save our marriage. To make you smile again. To make you proud of me again.
That’s all I want. For you to stand next to me and be proud you’re mine.
But right now you feel so far away. And it makes all this that much harder.
I love you. Forever.
Jensen
