I couldn’t keep my eyes open. “I love you. And I’m pretty sure I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” When he didn’t respond, I finally cracked my lids open to find him watching me, but no longer looking worried. “What?”
He leaned in, tenderly cupping my cheek with his hand as he kissed me. “I love you, too, baby. I know it’s soon, and I’m not saying we’ll get married tomorrow. But as long as you want me, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
My vision blurred, tears stinging my eyes. “Please don’t make me promises you can’t keep.”
Gathering me into his arms, he gently rocked me. “Baby, I promise that every day I will wake up and do my damnedest to make it back home to you. But I can and will promise you that as long as you want me in your life, that’s where I will be. I’m averypatient man. If it takes years for me to fully earn your trust, I will still be right there, devoted to you.”
I didn’t want to cry. Again. I’d done enough of that earlier today. But I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed. “If you ever hurt me, Lilah would probably hunt you down and chop your dick off.”
He snorted. “Yeah, well, she probably would, and I wouldn’t blame her.”
He finally helped me out of bed and we took a long shower together, him insisting on bathing me.
It was strange having someone sofocusedon me like this.
Turned out the underwear was a three-pack—yay! And the onesie was okay.
We moved stuff off the bed and curled up there, lights off and watching TV. It was still relatively early in the evening, but I was exhausted and he was yawning, too.
“I’ll set an alarm so we don’t have to rush in the morning before class, okay?” he asked.
“Yes, Daddy.”
And as I snuggled there, half-draped over him, I realized for the first time in my adult life I finally felt like I was exactly where I belonged and who I belonged with.
Chapter Twelve
Emmy
I couldn’t help feeling nervous when we made our way upstairs for the class after breakfast. Jack assured me that if I safeworded, or wanted to leave, he wouldn’t be upset with me.
Except I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be brave, wanted todothis. For me, yes, but for him, too. I wanted to be brave for him because it would help me keep being brave.
Despite the things I’d accomplished in my life professionally, the past twenty-four hours proved to me I’d been anything but brave in my personal life.
And I was sick and tired of being a coward. Staying stuck in my rut was no longer an option, especially when there stood Jack, his hand extended to help me out but not forcing me to take it.
Of course these several days at Rawhide Ranch wouldn’t magically fix me or erase my wounded past, but this experience already illuminated a clearly marked path I wanted to spend the rest of my life walking, and with Jack at my side.
When we returned home, I definitely would find a psychologist or counselor or someone to tackle the things I’dspent untold energy trying to avoid dealing with for my entire adult life.
It wouldn’t be fair to him for me not to. He was patient, and loving, but me trauma dumping on him every time we turned around, no matter how much he assured me he was okay with it, wasnotokay. Damned sure wasn’t healthy.
The more I thought about my breakdown yesterday in class the more glaringly obvious it was to me how much work I’d put into burying and hiding and denying my inner child’s pain and fear.
Even more obvious in hindsight was the fact I’d pulled away any time a man showed an interest in me and I felt he completely had his shit together, while the ones I’d had doomed relationship attempts with were mildly narcissistic, or pathologically needy, or in some other way blatantly incompatible with me.
But I’d chosen to ignore those signs, explain them away, gaslight myself. Then, whenIended things—another unexpected revelation because I wasalwaysthe one who ended it—I had the perfect excuse to tell myself and Lilah as to why it wasn’t meant to be.
Fuck. Me.
Another irony was that, before now, I’d always steered away from men I felt were dominant—not necessarily domineering—because part of me feared I wouldn’t be able to say no even if the situation wasn’t healthy.
Now I’d stumbled across a man who was dominant, a Dominant, and who seemed to be…
Well, perfect.
It scared me but that fear centered on myself and not him.
