“Does this have something to do with your mom?” he asked. “Are you afraid?”
A fair and crucial question that I’d had time to think about considering . . . “Bill asked me the same thing.”
“Because you’renother, Olivia.” David’s features finally softened. “You’d make a phenomenal mom. You’re so loving. You have so much to give when you let yourself.”
I blinked at him. Did I? Was I this warm and loving creature David thought I was, or cold and heartless as Bill had accused? Could I be warm, loving, and selfless and still not want children? “You’re right,” I said. “I’m not her. I’d never be the type of parent she was.”
With his elbows on his knees, he steepled his hands in front of his face, as if interacting with a client. “So this isn’t because you’re afraid of turning out like her?”
I’d learned a great deal about myself over the past few months. But long ago, I’d learned from my mom’s mistakes. I’d thought I was destined to become her, but David had proven to me that I could handle what came my way. My mother was an example of what I didn’t want to become. In that respect, at least, she’d been the right kind of bad role model. I wouldn’t be the same kind of mother, so I shook my head. “No,” I said. “I recognize that fear of becoming her, and I’ve already overcome it once to keep you. I could do it again. But this is something else. It runs deeper.”
He nodded slowly, resting his forehead against his fingers. “Explain something to me if you can,” he said and peeked up at me. “Why was it so hard for you to let go with me?”
I’d lived in a quiet, safe cage, and David had rattled it, broken the chains, opened the gate to set me free—only to have me stay inside where I’d been comfortable. Now that I’d finally stepped out, I could never return to that. “I was afraid once I let myself love you, I’d lose you,” I said. “And I didn’t think I could handle it.”
“Are you sure this isn’t the same thing?” he asked. “You’re not afraid of loving a baby too much?”
“The ideadoesscare me,” I admitted. “That I’d be responsible for this being, and there’d be no second chances, no room for mistakes.”
“All parents make mistakes.” He arched a dark eyebrow. “Jessa does all the time.”
I half-smiled. “I know. But it’snotjust that. It’s instinct. And I know what you say about your instincts . . .”
“I never ignore my gut,” he said, quoting himself. “Even when it gets me in deep shit.”
“But, David, if the alternative is losing you . . .” Walking away from him now wasn’t an option. I was committed. Everything I had, everything I was, I wanted to share with him. If he wanted to end this, I would respect that, even while it killed me. But I’d spent all day wondering if I’d willingly walk away, and the answer was—I wouldn’t.
“I could do it,” I whispered, searching eyes that had the ability to melt away all my fears and doubts. “For you. I could make you a father.”
David’s response came out strangled. “I would never let you do that for me, Olivia. You know I wouldn’t.”
Of course I’d known—it was part of what I’d been hiding from. David would let me go before he asked me to do this for him the way Bill had.
“Fuck.” David dropped his head in his hands. “I never gave having children much thought, I guess because I just figured it would happen one day.”
“It’s theonlyreason the proposal scared me.” I wrapped my hand around his wrist, and he raised his head to look at me. I took his coarse palm in my hand. “I loved everything you said this morning. I would’ve accepted on the spot if I could’ve.” I swallowed. “I want you to know that I wouldn’t change anything about the decisions I’ve made. I’d leave my life behind all over again, and I’d let you tear down my walls a second time, even for the short life we’ve led together. Thank you for showing me—”
“Oh, come on, Olivia,” he said almost angrily. “You don’t think I’d give up that easily, do you? Give me some fucking credit.”
I withdrew my hand, surprised by the tidal wave of anguish that crashed over me. The most heartbreaking part was that we could no longer fight. There was nothing to fix. We’d each given it our all.
“Youhaveto give up.” Tears spilled from my eyes. “Fighting it will only make it harder. The sooner we end this, the better.”
“What the fuck?” he asked. “Is that what you want?”
“Of course that’s not what I want!” I nearly screamed and choked on a sob. “I want you all to myself for the rest of my life. I want to quit my job and travel the world with you and eat and drink and fuck and love you forever. I want to go to Spain and lie on the beach and eat oysters and write my book, but this is real life, David. This is not a dream or a fantasy. What choice do we have?”
He blinked at me a few times, as if speechless. “I want those things, too,” he said, but his voice wavered.
“You say that now, but you don’t know what you’d be giving up. Because I love you, and I want your own happiness more than my own, I can’t take this away from you.” I couldn’t help myself from crawling into his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck.
He sat back against the headboard, squeezing me to him. “But I love you,” he said, almost under his breath.
I wanted to claw open my chest and rip out my heart so I could give it to him.
Take it. Take it all, because I will never need it again. I don’t want it.
I wasn’t sure if he fell asleep, but his hold on me never loosened. This was my dream, my fantasy, my heaven, my nightmare, to be bound and wound with a love as strong as this.
