Fuck.Shit.
It occurred to me for the first time that this whole children topic wouldn’t just affect David and me, but his family, too. Did his parents expect more grandkids? How would they feel if I never came around to the idea? I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to disappoint them.
Or David.
What did that mean for our future then? How far would I go to keep him, and, by extension, his wonderful family?
I cleared my throat. “I agree. So for the yams—”
“You’ve talked about it then?” Jessa asked. “Kids?”
My heart sank. I hadn’t even had this conversation with David yet, but it didn’t look like Jessa would let me off the hook. “Well, no, not really,” I said. “It hasn’t come up.”
She inclined her head. “Ithasn’t?”
“No,” I admitted. “Do you, um, think that’s something David wants?”
“You should probably talk to him about that, not me.” Jessa came to sit down next to me. “ButI guess I brought it up, so . . .” She leaned in conspiratorially. “I don’t think you need to worry. He hasn’t mentioned starting a family with you yet, but I’d be shocked if he wasn’t ready soon.”
Soon. Oh, God.
Bits and pieces of past conversations with Bill pelted me like little bullets.
“When?” I asked. “What’s soon to you?”
“I don’t know. Six months?”
I stared at Jessa and made no move that might give me away.
“I need more time,” I said.
“I’m ready now.”
I whirled from the sink to face Bill. “Now?”
I couldn’t believe I was already back in this place and with no clearer answers as to how to handle it.
Jessa laughed softly. “Aw, honey. Don’t look so nervous,” she said, rubbing my shoulder. “I know my brother can be a little stiff, but you’ve seen him with Alex. He’ll loosen up. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t give you. Really, don’t stress.”
Panic settled in my chest. “I . . .”
She stopped rubbing my shoulder. “Oh my God,” she said in a whisper. “Are you already pregnant?”
“No,” I exclaimed. “Oh my God. No.”
Her eyebrows knit. “Then what . . .?”
It wasn’t something I’d really planned to discuss yet, not even with David. But Jessa looked so concerned. And in a way, although I knew it wasn’t possible, she felt like a neutral party. With a kid of her own, and a divorce under her belt, she might even have advice in this area.
I waited until I had resumed air intake. “Bill wanted children,” I said. “I didn’t. It was a very contentious topic.”
“Oh. I . . .” She exhaled as realization dawned. “Are you saying you still don’t want them? Even with David?”
“I—I don’t know, Jessa.” I put my head in my hands. “I’ve barely had time to think about it—everything has been such a whirlwind. It seems too early to even bring it up.” I peeked up at her. Her eyes glued to me, but she wore no expression, which I guessed was better than judgment or horror. “Did you have doubts before you had Alex?”
She shook her head. “No, sorry. I always knew I wanted kids, and if I ever marry again, I’ll have more.”
“Oh.”
