“V12.”
My dad let out a low whistle. “Shame to keep a car like that pent up in the city.”
“Tell me about it.” David sipped his drink. “Barely get to take her above eighty, but that baby can fly.”
I watched David as he spoke, picturing how he’d handle a fast car on the open road. If it were anything like the way he handled everything else, it would be casually but in complete control.
When I realized the conversation had stopped, I looked from David to my dad, who was staring at me. He chuckled. “Why don’t I give you two a chance to catch up?” He headed for the slider. “I’m going to run to the market. Will you be staying for dinner, David?”
“Yes,” I answered for him.
Once my dad had disappeared into the house, I sat on the cushion of the nearest chaise lounge. I looked at the seat and then up at David. He swirled his drink thoughtfully, took my cue, and sat beside me.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” I said quietly, placing my hand on his thigh.
“It drives me insane when I don’t know what you’re thinking,” he said right away and picked up where we’d left off. “You tell me you’re still empty inside after our weekend? Do you know how it tears me apart to hear that?”
I swallowed. “I didn’t mean it that way,” I whispered.
“Well, how am I supposed to take it?” he asked. “It’s my job to fill you with love and hope and joy. Now, you tell me I’ve failed.”
“No. God, no.” I grasped his hand. “I was scared. In that moment, I felt . . . I don’t know. Inadequate. Cornered.”
“Why?” he demanded. “What reason have I ever given you to feel afraid or inadequate?”
“You asked for everything, and that’s what you deserve,” I said to him and took a breath. “But I’m scared I can’t give you that. Or that myeverythingwon’t be enough.”
He leaned his elbows on his knees and kept his eyes forward. “I’m worried that you’re thinking about going back to Bill, and nothing would be worse than that. If you don’t want to be with me,” he paused, swallowed, and shook his head, “if it meant you weretrulyhappy, I would respect it. But talk about being worthy . . .” David turned his head and finally looked at me from under heavy eyebrows. “Heisn’t. I couldn’t live with knowing I’d had you—and in the end, you still chose him. I couldn’t, Olivia.”
“It’s over with Bill.” I bit my lip. “I went to see him last night, and it’s so done.”
His muscles tightened along with his jaw. “You went alone?”
I placed my hand on his arm and squeezed. “It’s over. Completely. I promise you.”
He exhaled but kept his eyes on me. “And us?”
I searched his face. In his eyes I saw everything I wanted. His love. Why couldn’t I accept it? What kind of walls had I built around my heart that he couldn’t break through? I imagined, all those years ago, it had calcified into something inhuman, something hard because I’d buried it, ignored it, starved it. Davena had warned me my neglected wants and needs could rot my insides, but maybe she’d been too late. And for the first time, I wanted to let someone in. But was there any chance of penetrating my heart’s hardened exterior?
David’s eyes flashed as I sat looking at him. “Baby,” he whispered, his voice turning grave. “Let go, please. I’m here, begging you to let me in. Let me love you the way you deserve. I know you’re afraid, but I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”
“How do you know?” The happiness I’d felt just from seeing him and the fear his words inspired found their way up my chest. “How do I know you won’t grow tired of me like you did the others?”
“Others?” he asked. “Olivia, there are no others. There only is, and only ever has been, you. Finding you finally . . . I’ve been looking for you for so fucking long. Let me in so I can take care of you in all the ways you’ve been neglected.”
I shook my head as my chin wobbled. “I want that, too. I’m here telling you I want this. I’m ready. I’ll do whatever it takes so I don’t lose you.” My throat thickened with the tears I fought back. “But I don’t know how to do this without trying to protect a small part of myself.”
“When you protect that part, I can’t get to it. Andthatscaresme. You get to have some kind of back-up plan if you have to cut and run, while I havenothingbut my faith in us?” He dropped his head in his palms and ran his hands through his hair. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how else to get you to see.” He swung his head in my direction. “Is it a ring you need?”
“What?” I gasped, shaking my head. “No. I mean, not that I don’t want—but I . . . I don’tneedanything more from you. You’ve given me so much.”
“What then? Tell me. I can’t . . .” He put his head back in his hands. Pain radiated from him, and it cut me deeply. I wanted to take it away however I could, no matter what it took.
I dropped onto the concrete and sat back on my calves between his legs. With a hand on each of his knees, I looked up at him through tear-blurry eyes and took a deep breath. “You’re right that I’ve never felt like this about anyone,” I said. “Not even Bill, and not even close. You’re also right that I’m afraid. I’m scared to death that one day you’ll realize you were wrong about me. I’ll relinquish control, let you in, and I won’t be everything you thought I was.”
“You alreadyareeverything I—”
“Let me finish,” I said. “Iknowyou love me. I see it in the way you look at me. I feel it when you make love to me. You can tell me it a million times, but it won’t change the fact that after only a few days with you, I’m on the verge of a breakdown just thinking about a life without you.” Insanity from love—it ran in my family. It wasn’t so far-fetched that it couldn’t happen to me. “If you ever left me, I’d fall, David. And I’d never get back up.”
