I appreciated his honesty. “I thought about everything you said yesterday,” I told him.
His face turned uneasy. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re right about some things. David’s got a past. I’m the one giving up everything. And there’s no way I can possibly know how things will turn out with him. Honestly, I’m not sure of much anymore.”
Bill rested his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his chin. “Then come back, Olivia. I know I said some things, but I didn’t . . . what I said just now about sloppy thirds, I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry. We can go to counseling. We can make this work.”
I inhaled back tears and looked at my hands. I wished I wouldn’t think of David in that moment, because I wanted a clear head. I wanted to know that my decisions were free of the spell he held over me. “You lied to me about Dani and David.”
He nodded and looked at the floor. “I didn’t know how else to get you to see the truth about him.”
“But that’s not the truth,” I pointed out. “It was a lie.”
“It could have been the truth. Easily.”
I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. I lingered there with my lips pressed against his face, squeezing my eyes closed. A tear escaped and slid between us. “I’m sorry, Bill,” I whispered. I pulled back to look at his profile. “I love you, and I know you love me, but I shouldn’t have said yes. We’re not right for each other, and I’m not sure we ever were.”
He stared at the TV, unresponsive. Finally, he said, “You regret marrying me?”
“No. But you deserve someone who has zero doubts about you. She’s out there.”
Hi jaw worked back and forth. “Don’t give me that patronizing bullshit.”
I inhaled a breath. That was fair. If he didn’t want me to be gentle, then I’d be direct. “It’s over, Bill. I don’t know what will happen with David, but regardless—you and I are over. For good. I’m sorry.”
“Youcheatedon me, Liv,” he said, still looking forward. “I can’t just let that slide. I care about you, but I won’t let you take me for a fool twice.”
I saw his threat for what it was. I’d caused this divorce. He’d make it even uglier. “Fine,” I said, looking at my hands. “We’ll settle it in court if it comes to that.”
“It’ll come to that. You better find a good lawyer.” He stood and looked down at me. “I think you should leave.”
* * *
Back at David’s, I pulled my hair down immediately and wiped off my lipstick. I texted him that I was home, hoping he’d be too preoccupied to notice how long it’d taken me. I asked about Alex, but by the time I’d changed and finished my nightly routine, I still hadn’t heard back.
In his bed, alone, I played the night back in my head.
“Just admit that you’re fucking afraid and that I’m not worth taking the risk for.”
It gutted me that he thought that. That he’d gone so far to get me, and that I might lose him because I’d conditioned myself not to give anyone what he demanded from me.Everything. He wantedallof me. And he wanted itnow, even though I was still learning what a real relationship looked like. How could anyone not find that terrifying?
I knew better than anyone that David’s detached demeanor and his short words were a defense mechanism, but one word had been noticeably absent during our good-bye tonight. Didn’t he love me still? Why didn’t he say it? Why didn’t I finally say it? I loved him, and I wanted to tell him, but he’d told me tonight I had to show him my love, and I had to mean it. Whatever fears I had about not being enough for him, about him one day leaving, about how he’d react to my doubts about starting a family—I had to find a way to let go of all of that or I’d lose him before I’d even really had him.
I wrapped the comforter around myself and shivered. It was cold. He was cold, and I was cold. As my lids fell, I wondered what it would take to get warm again.
I still hadn’t heard from David by the time I’d left for my flight the next morning. At the Dallas/Fort Worth airport, my father greeted me at the curb with a big, comforting hug. Seeing him again, I realized how much I needed to talk to someone who could help me see everything clearly. My dad’s businessman sensibilities, plus his soft spot for me and my wellbeing, made him the perfect person for that.
He held me at arm’s length as I looked him over, too. His hair had almost turned completely charcoal now. “You look skinny,” he said.
“I know, but I’m starting to put weight back on,” I promised.
He grunted and took my luggage. As he loaded it in his trunk, I double-checked that my phone had resumed cellular service since deplaning. Still no word from David. I wished I had Jessa’s number so I could check in.
I texted him one more time.
Me:I know you’re upset with me, but please just let me know if Alex is okay.
My dad drove me straight to the clubhouse at his golf course and ordered enough food to cover the table.
