“There are things,” I said slowly, “that I didn’t know I wanted. And now I see that you and I have never been right together.”
“Right?You wield that word like it has magical powers. Like saying it gets you out of all sorts of shit. The houses we’ve seen weren’t ‘right.’ Having a kid now isn’t ‘right.’ Nothing is ever ‘right’ for you.” He resumed his tread around the kitchen, his dress shoes slapping the tile. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe your version of right is wrong? Is itrightslumming around with a slick jerk like David Dylan and ending a perfectly good marriage for a fling? You really need to look at the facts here, Liv. You’ve always been able to do that because you’re sensible.”
“I’m not sensible,” I said. “I’m scared.”
“The Liv I know is smart, practical—she doesn’t act on emotion like this.”
“I know, but maybe that’s not me,” I said. “That’s who took over when my parents divorced. I needed to protect myself then, but when it was time to move past that, I couldn’t.” I watched him pace back and forth. “I’m sorry you got that version of me, the one who couldn’t love you like you deserved.”
“I feel more confused now than I did all last month,” he said. “I don’t know what’s happening.”
“I think one day you’ll look back, and you’ll thank me for this.”
He whirled to face me. “Thankyou? Thank you for the fuck what?”
That’d sounded right in my head, but hearing it aloud, it’d been the wrong thing to say. I didn’t respond.
“Look, maybe we need to take a break,” Bill said. “Cool off for a couple weeks or something, I don’t know. Didn’t you say that Davena and Mack did that once? You idolized Davena before she passed away, even more than your own mother. Look how in love they were, more than anyone we know, yet eventheyneeded a break.”
I nodded. “Yes, but—”
“I can get on board with a break, all right?” he said. “They’re busting my ass at work right now. I can focus on that while you sort everything out.”
David’s face flashed across my mind—I wanted to get back to him. But Bill’s willingness to try to change forced me to admit the truth. I wasn’t just leaving this marriage for David—I was doing it for myself. To get back to the girl I’d been before I’d had my heart broken by my parents’ split. “No.”
“No?” Bill asked. “What then?”
“Nothing,” I said.
“There can’t benothingI can do,” he said. “There has to be a solution here.”
I glanced at my duffel bag by the doorway. “I’m leaving you, Bill. Tonight.”
He stopped and looked at me. “There’s no way this can be it. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“I know it doesn’t to you, and I doubt it ever will,” I said. “But I’m leaving.”
“Leaving, huh?” He let out a sinister laugh. “You keep saying that. Why can’t you just call it what it is?”
“Meaning?” I asked.
“I want you to tell me whatyouare doing to this marriage.”
I shifted from one foot to the other as his intention became clear. “Ididtell you.”
“No—you know what I’m asking,” he said.
My heart jumped. My nails bit into my palms as I made two fists. He wanted me to recognize that in the end, I was the reason we were facing the one thing I’d spent my life hiding from. “Divorce,” I said.
“This is a joke,” he said. “David Dylan? Really? You’re living in a fantasy, Liv.”
“I don’t really know how this works,” I said with a deep breath, ignoring his baiting and trying to move the conversation forward. “But we can talk more when you’ve had time to process this.”
His chin quivered, and at even the threat of his tears, my heart broke a little. I pressed my lips together to collect myself.
“Look at you,” Bill said. “You can’t even cry overthis, the end of your marriage.”
I was all cried out. But my tears had been for David when I’d thought I’d never have him or the kind of life where I’d be able to love freely—and even the night before, when he’d almost left me on this very kitchen floor. Bill was right. For some reason, I was rarely able to cry for him, in his presence, like he wanted. I couldn’t explain that, so I only blinked at him, scared thathemight actually cry.
