“I lost my sense.” My chin quivered again. “This is why I am the way I am. So I don’t end up brokenhearted over . . .” I swallowed. “And Bill, he’d never make me feel this way.”
“And that’s a good thing,” she said, but it almost sounded like a question.
“Isn’t it?” My heart ached with every beat, feeling close to giving out each time I thought of David. “Who wants to feel this torn apart?”
Gretchen hesitated. For a moment, it looked as if she was going to say something, but she just shook her head. “Yeah. You have a point.”
“You told me so, right?”
She just shook her head. “I’m sorry. When you told me you had feelings for David, I honestly thought it was just sexual attraction clouding your judgment.”
“I shared things with him I’ve never even told Bill.” Shame, regret, sadness washed over me when I admitted, “I opened up to him, Gretch. Did you know that Bill hasstillnever asked me specifics about my scar? He doesn’t know about the hospital or what my mom did.”
She blew out a breath. “You’d think as a lawyer, Bill would pay more attention to details.”
“He knows it’s there,” I said. “It’s small, but it’s not invisible. He just doesn’t know how to talk about it. It means opening up a whole Pandora’s box of shit.”
“But that’s what partners do,” she said. “He’s supposed help with that shit. Youlet himhelp.”
“I don’t know if, deep down, he reallywantsto help.” I sighed and looked away. “The way he grew up, they didn’t talk about feelings. He’s used to fixing problems, and if he can’t, he ignores or trivializes them away.”
“And David doesn’t?” Gretchen asked. “Did he ask about the scar?”
I looked back at her. “So many times that I couldn’t avoid the question. David doesn’t let me get away with deflecting. I love and hate that I can’t keep anything from him—that he pushes for what he wants.” I tugged on my earlobe. “But as you can see, that kind of persistence has a dark side.”
Gretchen blinked, her blue eyes wide. “So, hang on. David knows about the hospital? And your mom? The divorce?”
“Yes. I mean, there are layers we never got to, of course, but he would’ve gotten there. You know? He just peels away those layers, asking for more and more.”
Gretchen put her head in her hands a moment.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
She sighed. “Nothing. I’m just in shock. I didn’t know you needed that, Liv. I didn’t know someone out there could get you to open up. Could be to you what Bill . . . what Lucy and I couldn’t.”
“Gretch.” I took her wrists, pulling her toward me for a hug. I squeezed her. “I make it hard. I know I do. I’m sorry. If nothing else, David taught me to open a little more. I will try harder. With you, and with Bill.”
“But,” she whispered, “what if Bill isn’t the one you’re supposed to be with?”
“He is,” I said automatically. I’d had my shot with David. Even just now, in his office, there’d been a moment I could’ve gone to him. Let him explain. But my fear of the unknown was still too strong. And my fear of the known—of what my parents had endured for love—was even stronger. “He has to be.”
She sighed, drawing back, and took my hand. “So what happens now? Do you need a place to stay?”
“Bill and I have a lot to talk about when I get home,” I said. “But obviously, I couldn’t tell him all this about David. So, thank you for listening. Just getting it off my chest will help me and Bill so much.”
“I can’t believe you’ve been going through all this by yourself,” she said. “It means a lot that you told me.”
“I know,” I said with a smile I hoped looked more convincing than it felt.
She narrowed her eyes. “Wait. Now that it’s over with David a second time . . . does this mean you’re going to turn into a mega-bitch again?”
I laughed. “Like you said, I was holding too much inside. And I had unfinished business with David before. Not anymore.”
She crinkled her nose, lowering her voice as if someone might be listening. “I feel like I should ask. Are yousureyou don’t even want to consider the possibility of trying things with David? For real?”
“It’s not that simple,” I said. “It’s not like I can try David on and return him if it doesn’t work. And Bill and I . . . we’re trying. Or at least, we were.”
“Trying to what?” Gretchen asked, zero recognition on her face.
