David didn’t budge. I knew why. I knew what he wanted in order to leave me alone. What heneeded. I had to tell him I didn’t want him, and I had to mean it.
But it was more than that.
I had to tell him I didn’t want what he could give me. I had to choose the life I was barreling toward. Lying awake by my husband in the quiet dark, getting myself off in the bathroom, a slower pace, putting a family over my career, a home with a nursery, and a baby to put in it. The decision had been haunting me long before David had come along. Perhaps even before I’d accepted Bill’s proposal. And I was expected to decidenow, once and for all, while every fiber of my being longed to run into the arms of the man behind me?
My chest tightened with panic. With the fucking elevator stalled at the lobby, I turned and bolted for the service stairwell. I burst through the door, slamming it against the wall, and rushed down a flight of steps.
“Olivia,” David called from above.
I held my purse to my breast. “I can’t do it, David,” I said over my shoulder. “I can’t. Don’t ask me to.”
My heart leaped when his hand wrapped around my arm. He was damn near impossible to outrun. Or was I allowing myself to get caught?
“I’m not letting you run again,” he said firmly. “Tell me why you’re so angry with me. And where’s your coat?”
I whirled around to face him on the stark, ugly landing, a much more suitable place to have this conversation. The sleek and smooth party happening above us was too perfect, while this cold stairwell resembled the steel cage around my heart, rattling with the emotions beginning to escape. “Why did you come here?” I asked, seething. “We said this was over.”
“I tried.” He dropped his hand to his side. “Believe me, I did.”
“Tried what?”
“To stay away,” he said steadily. “For my own sanity, to protect myself, I fucking tried to stay away, but I can’t.” He glanced down at his feet, and when he looked up again, his eyes blazed. “Come home with me.”
Breath flushed from my lungs. For him, we were already home. Over his shoulder, a sign with the lettersPHin bold red sat above the door. I’d flown down the stairs and landed right at his penthouse. He’d warned me what would happen if I returned to his apartment. I could almost hear my body buzzing, so coiled with desire from our back-and-forth.
“Why, so I can humiliate myself again?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” he asked.
I watched him closely. “Is this some sort of game for you? You pushed me away in Lucy’s office. Then, you told me you never wanted to see me again. That you were finished with me.” A fluorescent light flickered somewhere above us, as though channeling my anger. “Suddenly you want me?”
“I have never not wanted you, Olivia. Not for a moment.” He swallowed, his brow furrowing. “I left you in Lucy’s office because there was too much on the line. Because I couldn’t break up a marriage. Because I was afraid of pushing you into something you might regret. But you make it so fucking impossible,” he said, pleading up to the ceiling. His breath turned ragged as he looked back at me with stormy eyes. “I can’t be around you anymore because you drive me crazy every second of the day.” He ran both hands through his hair. “Fuck, if I don’t distance myself from you, I’m going to lose it.”
I understood. Every word he spoke was true. I wanted to deny it—especially because it made walking away harder. But it didn’t change our situation.
“And when I stood there in your office and ended our relationship, you just took it. You didn’t even care. Just let me walk out.” He stepped toward me. “Tell me you care, Olivia, and that I’m not completely delusional.”
How could he think I didn’t care? It oozed from my pores all the time, how much I wanted to touch him, how I thirsted for his attention. “You know I can’t,” I whispered.
“Then show me,” he said.
“What do you want from me?” I asked. “You expect me to jeopardize everything—everything—for . . . for what—sex?” My voice bounced off the empty walls. “My marriage, my work, my life. Mymarriage.” My body swayed. “I can’t do it, David.”
“How many times do I have to repeat myself? Do you hear anything I say? This isn’t just about sex,” he said slowly, deeply. “And you know it.”
“Oh, sure.” Sweat formed on my nape despite the cold. My sense of reason began to spin out of control, overtaken by my fear that I wouldn’t be able to walk away. I needed him to be the one to do it. “Isn’t that why you’re standing here now? To see if I’ll fuck you?” I stepped up to him, coming right under his chin, my temper flaring. “You claimed to be a gentleman, but you’re no different from every other player.”
“Even gentlemen have limits, Olivia,” he said, above me. “Even gentlemen like to fuck.”
My knees weakened. David had never been shy, but he’d always edged the line of polite—until now. And his crudeness melted my insides along with my resistance. “Well, what’s stopping you?” I put as much venom as I could into the words, and they tasted bitter leaving my mouth. “Why not take me here? Now?”
“So help me God, Olivia,” he whispered, locking his hands under his armpits. “Don’t test me. I know what you’re doing. I know you’re afraid.”
“Afraid? Iamafraid—of losing everything.”
“No, of this.” He gestured between us. “I am, too, but I want—”
“Stop,” I said, covering my ears as I looked at the ground. “We have to stop this.”
