My chest tightens. “Yeah, I want to talk to you about that, too,” I say calmly, but the truth is I’m about to burst into tears.
When I first got home to Seattle, I convinced myself for about two days I’d made a good call by throwing on the brakes with Ryan—that taking things slow never hurt any situation and usually helps it significantly, especially since hestillhasn’t told me whom he’d called the day he arrived at the resort; but on the third day, I woke up feeling like I’d most definitely fucked up in a big way, even if Ryan never winds up telling me whom he called. On the third day, I woke up feeling like I’d made the most catastrophic mistake of my entire life by not throwing my arms around Ryan’s neck right then and there on the beach and declaring my undying love for him. And on the fifth day, I woke up feeling like I could barely breathe. And that’s how I’ve felt ever since.
So this morning, I picked up the phone to call Ryan, wanting to tell him I love him and can’t live without him—that I don’t give a crap what anyone else says or thinks, not even Josh and Jonas—that I don’t care if he’s Josh’s brother. I wanted to tell him I reacted that night out of fear—that’s all it was, stupid fear—and that I’ve decided I’ll go to therapy or do anything else I need to do to work through my issues, but please, please don’t give up on me because I promise my love will be well worth his patience and understanding.
I wanted to tell him all of that... until I realized two things: one, if I’m being honest, I still want to know who he called that day; and, two, I still want to talk to Josh about Captain’s.
Whether I like it or not, I simply can’t embark on a relationship with Ryanandwork with him to launch Captain’s at the same time. What if something happens and he breaks my heart? I’m certainly never planning to leave Ryan, but can he say the same to me? Of course, he can’t. Not after one week in paradise together. Even if I’d be willing to pledge forever right here and now, I can’t rationally expect that of Ryan in return. Which means we absolutely shouldn’t mix business and pleasure—not this soon, anyway, not when what’s at stake is his lifelong dream.
So, I’m here today at Josh’s office to tell him I don’t wish to work on Captain’s, despite our prior discussions, but that I’ll be happy to work on anything else he likes, including whatever role he might have for me at Climb & Conquer. And then, right after I’ve spoken to Josh, I’m gonna call Ryan and tell him I love him and I’m sorry and throw myself on his mercy—and, hopefully, when I tell him all that, he’ll feel comfortable enough to finally break down and tell me whom he called that day.
“So, about Captain’s,” Josh says. “Jonas and I are for sure gonna invest.”
“Wonderful. I’m thrilled to hear it.”
“I’ve had a chance to talk to Reed and some other friends of mine with expertise in the bar industry, and I’ve gained some valuable insights and an even greater appreciation for Ryan’s vision and knowledge. The guy definitely knows what he’s doing. So Jonas and I are thinking we want to expand Ryan’s initial idea to five or six more locations beyond Seattle over the next three to five years—and, thankfully, Ryan’s totally on board with that idea.”
“Great,” I say, my heart panging. Damn, that sounds like something I’d give my right arm to be a part of. “The thing is,” I begin, but Josh cuts me off.
“Hang on, T,” Josh says. “Lemme just get all this out, and then you can put in your two cents, okay? Thanks.”
I lean back in my chair, my body trembling.
“Jonas, Ryan, and I have talked about it and we’d all like to make you an equity partner in Captain’s. You wouldn’t hold an equal share with the three of us—your share would probably be settled at around twelve percent, based, in part, on capital contributions I’d personally make on your behalf, and also in consideration of the sweat-equity we all expect you to contribute. Basically, you’re gonna be the person with nuts-and-bolts oversight as we give birth to this thing. But those are details we can hammer out later. The main point is this: we’d like you to be our partner, not just a hired employee. And, in recognition of your six years of valuable service to me, during which time period my portfolio has grown exponentially, in part because I’ve had you holding down the fort for me in a thousand ways, not to mention providing a steadying influence on me when I’ve needed it most, I’d like to contribute your share to the business as my gift to you.”
I can’t believe my ears. Oh my effing God. This would have been a dream come true if I weren’t in love with Ryan. “Josh, thank you,” I say. “But you can’t do that. If I were going to invest in the business, I’d do it with my own money. I’ve got plenty saved, thanks to the ridiculous salary you pay me.”
“T, I’m talking about, like, a quarter-mill here.”
“I’ve got that sitting in the bank and then some.”
“You’ve got a quarter-mill sitting in the bank?”
I nod. “I’ve been saving.”
Josh laughs. “I’ll be damned. Well, I tell you what. I’ll pay the initial two-fifty as a gift, like I was planning to do, and you can add however much as we start to expand.”
I rub my forehead. What the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t be negotiating my partnership share in Captain’s—I should be telling Josh I can’t be part of this venture at all, due to my feelings for Ryan. That was my plan coming in here, after all. Why am I going off plan? “Josh,” I say. “Thanks for the offer, but I can’t do this.”
“Sure you can,” Josh says. “Jonas and I will be far too busy with Climb & Conquer to be hands-on with this, so we’re gonna need you and Ryan to pick up the ball and run with it together.”
I bite my lip. Oh my God. That sounds like heaven on earth—working alongside the man I love to build something together from the ground up?
“So what do you think, T?” Josh asks. “Does this sound like something you’d like to do or what?”
I open my mouth and close it, suddenly feeling like I’m going to burst into tears. I swallow hard and gather myself. And then promptly burst into gigantic, sobbing tears.
“Tessa?” Josh says, looking stricken.
“I love him!” I blurt. “I love Ryan! He’s the love of my life, Josh!” Oh, God, I’m crying like a shaken baby. “Ryan and I secretly got together all week in Hawaii—all week, Josh!—and now Ilovehim! But he doesn’t know that because I’m a fucking idiot with major trust issues!” I continue babbling incoherently for a long moment, ultimately confessing I’m Samantha the Flight Attendant.
Josh gets up and walks around his desk and opens his arms and I throw myself into his embrace and sob my eyes out.
“Why haven’t you told him how you feel yet?” he asks.
“Because I wanted to talk to you about Captain’s first. And because I still don’t know who he called that day. He said he’d tell me and he still hasn’t and I don’t understand why he’s keeping that from me. I shouldn’t care. I love him. I should just trust him, but that last little thing is holding me back.”
Josh is looking at me like I’m a little, injured bird in his palm. And I don’t blame him. I’ve never once cried in his presence, or shown any kind of vulnerability, as far as I know. “Sit,” he says simply.
