“Why not just tell T-Rod everythingnow?” Henn asks.
I tell Henn the strange dichotomy that is Theresa “Tessa” Rodriguez: namely, that she wanted to “take it slow” when she thought there was real potential for a relationship with me, and yet she jumped right into the sack with me when she was positive we had no future. “If I tell Tessa everything before she sees a crystal-clear future with me, I’m worried she’ll freak out and shut down on me.”
“I used to do the exact same thing Tessa’s doing here,” Kat says. “I had a strict no-sex policy for first dates and Ineverbroke my rule...unlessI was sure my date wasn’t boyfriend-material—in which case, if he was hot enough, I banged the hell out of him, made him fall in love with me, and then never saw him again.”
Henn cringes.
“Ah, the ol’ ‘Dabble, Dash, and Destroy,’” I say, doing my best Keane impression, and we three Morgans crack up.
Henn looks appalled.
“Aw, come on, Henny,” Kat says. “You’veneverpulled the ol’ D, D & D?”
“Never.” Henn mutters something under his breath about us Morgans being another species of human, and then he shakes his head and says, “So, Ryan, my two cents? I wouldn’t wait too long to tell T-Rod about the Search for Samantha. I think waiting could backfire on you.”
“I’ll for sure tell her before we leave Maui.”
“Why don’t you tell her at the wedding reception?” Kat suggests. “You know, dance the night away with her and then take her out for a walk in the moonlight on the beach and bare your soul to her?”
“But, dude,” Henn says, “T-Rod might get pissed at you if you wait that long to tell her.She might feel like you lied through omission.”
I feel anxious all of a sudden. I look at my brother and sister. “What do you guys think? Am I more fucked if I tell her too soon, thereby risking her freaking out and shutting down, or if I wait too long to tell her, thereby risking her getting pissed at me?”
“What does your gut tell you?” Colby asks.
“It tells me to wait ’til Tessa’s fallen for me to hit her with the ‘Search for Samantha.’ But, hey, I’m the dude who dated Olivia, remember? My gut obviously can’t be trusted.”
Kat looks thoughtful. “I think your best bet is to wait a bit. Let’s not forget you hacked intoninefreaking airlines to find her. I mean, Holy Stalker, Batman! If a girl doesn’t trust a guy completely by the time she hears that cray-cray story, she’s probably gonna feel more freaked out than romanced. Plus, the Virgo-Taurus love-compatibility info strongly suggests you gain her trustbeforedropping a bomb like that.”
“All right, I’ll bite,” I say. “Tell us all about Taurus-Virgo’s ‘love-compatibility,’ Kat.”
Kat’s face lights up. “Well, gosh, thanks for asking. Taurus-Virgo is one of the strongest love-compatibilities there is—both earth signs, so they innately understand each other. A female Virgo is tightly wound and extremely slow to trust, but that means her knight in shining armor is a male Taurus because he’s the most patient guy on the Zodiac. The male Taurus doesn’t simply knowhowto break down a female Virgo’s walls, herelishesdoing it. He absolutely adores the fact that, once he finally breaks down her walls and infiltrates her, he’ll get to experience something hardly anyone ever does: her gooey-soft center. And since our female Virgo isn’t someone who sleeps around or hops from relationship to relationship, once she finds the Taurus man who’s willing to put in the time and effort to get to her gooey-soft center, she’ll never, ever let him go and will make sure his efforts are well worth his while.”
All three of us guys stare at Kat, speechless.
Kat shrugs. “It’s just likePretty Woman,only with the genders reversed.”
“How do you figure?” Colby asks.
“Why do you think Julia was able to get to Richard’s gooey-soft center in one week? Because Richard never for a minute thought he could develop real feelings for a hookerin thigh-high boots, so he didn’t have his walls up—which is why she was able to infiltrate him.She blindsided him.”
There’s a beat, during which Henn, Colby, and I look at each other.
“It actually makes a weird kind of sense,” Henn says.
Colby nods. “It really does.”
“I gotta hand it to you, Jizzy Pop,” I say. “I’m constantly amazed at how many ways you’re able to usePretty Womanas a guide to life.”
Kat shrugs. “Like I always say: ‘Everything you need to know, you can learn fromPretty Woman.’”
53
Ryan
“It sounds intriguing,” Josh says—and my heart rate quickens with excitement.
While everyone else in the wedding brigade has traipsed off to the resort’s nightclub for some post-dinner karaoke, Josh and I are sitting alone in one of the hotel bars, talking about my vision for Captain’s—a conversation initially sparked at dinner, when it happened to come up that both Josh and I had been bartenders in college.
