“I didn’ttelepathicallybreak up with her,” I say. “I told her out loud. If she didn’t understand, that wasn’t my fault.”
Anger floods Theresa’s features. “That’s got to be the dickiest thing I’ve ever heard a man say in my entire life.If she didn’t understand you were breaking up with her, that was her fault?” She laughs maniacally. “Okay, Ryan, you’re right. My bad. I’ve totally misjudged you, the same way I misjudged my scumbag ex-boyfriend, I guess. You’ve explained everything and you’re a fucking saint.”
“I didn’t say I’m a saint. I just said—”
“Never mind,” she says. “It doesn’t matter. Either way, whether you’re a saint or a sinner or something in between, this thing between us is a total nonstarter, anyway, as I’m sure you’ll agree.”
“Fuck no, I don’t agree—I couldn’t disagree more.”
“Are you high? Even if you were Mr. Wonderful, which you’re so obviouslynot, you’re Kat’s brother.”
“I don’t see the dilemma.”
She scoffs. “If I’m gonna have meaningless sex with a fuck buddy, I’d strongly prefer not to have to see him repeatedly at kiddie birthday parties and gym grand openings for the rest of my life.”
“What if we’re not gonna have meaningless sex? What if I want something more than a fuck buddy?”
She laughs. “Okay, fine. Let’s play make-believe for a moment. Let’s pretend Psycho Barbie never happened and you’re actually some kind of Prince Charming with actual morals and ethics. What are we gonna do, go out on a double date to the movies with Josh and Kat and whenever Josh wants popcorn, I’m gonna reflexively pop up to fetch it for him? I’ve never ‘hung out’ with Josh socially in my life. I’m hisemployee.I work for him.”
I laugh. “You’re his assistant, not his butler. If I can hang out with him, you can. It’s not like I’m some multi-millionaire, either.”
“You’re missing my point.”
“No, I’m not. You just have to get over your weird employee-thing and just be yourself. Using your example, if we were out at a movie and Josh wanted popcorn, then I’d get it when I got up to get ours, or, if Josh was being a dick about it, we’d tell him to go fuck himself and get his own fucking popcorn. It’s not rocket science, Theresa. You’d treat him like anyone else.”
“And then what? Get fired? Or feel weird about it? After six years, I’m supposed to tell my boss to get his own fucking popcorn?” She shakes her head. “This is ridiculous. I’m not gonna argue about Josh’s popcorn. It was a freakingmetaphor.What I’m saying is you’re a nonstarter, okay? This was fun and what you did to me just now felt freaking amazing—I’m not gonna lie—it truly was the best sex of my life, hands down, so thank you for that—but it was just sex, Ryan. I’m not suddenly falling all over you because you’re handy with your fingers and dick and tongue.”
“Jesus.”
“Sorry. It is what it is. From here on out, the only rational thing to do, for all the reasons I’ve stated, is for both of us to say, ‘Gosh that rocked!’ and then pretend it never happened. I swear, the next guy I fuck will be someone I never have to see again.”
I clench my jaw. “I’d very much appreciate it if you’d refrain from talking about fucking anyone else when my dick was inside you literally minutes ago.”
“I’ll talk about whatever I want. You have no say in what I do.”
“I sure as hell do.”
A shadow crosses over her face. “Is that a threat? Are you threatening to tell Josh and Kat what I said in the bar?”
“What? No,” I say. “That’s not what I meant.”
She looks panicked all of a sudden. “Tell me now: are you gonna tell Josh and Kat that stupid thing I told you?”
I shrug. “I don’t know, to be honest. I have no desire or inclination to tell them jack shit about that—but I don’t know if I can trust my gut yet. I gotta feel things out. If it turns out you’re planning to swoop in and steal my sister’s man at some point, then I’d hate to look back and think, ‘Shit, I shoulda warned my sister to watch you like a hawk.’”
Her features harden. “You truly are an asshole, you know that? I swear to God on my life I don’t want Josh. I swear it on the lives of my brothers and parents and niece. Yes, I had a little crush on my boss a while back, during a time when I was feeling like I’d been eaten by a wolf and shit into a ditch, and, yes, this year has been hard for me so having a little fantasy-crush felt a whole lot safer than venturing into the cruel world; but, like I told you that night, my feelings for Josh weren’t specifically about him, but more about the kind of guy he represents.” She juts her chin. “Plus, I’ve come to adore Kat and would never do anything to hurt her. That’s the God’s truth. And, hey, as long as I’m telling you the God’s truth, I admit that, yes, Idolove Josh. Fuck it. I love him. Just not in the way you mean. He’s like a very hot brother or cousin. I can appreciate his hotness and still realize he’s off-limits because we’d make three-headed babies, okay?”
I laugh, despite myself. God, she’s funny.
She continues, “You’re telling me you can’t objectively appreciate the hotness of any of your cousins? Or of Kat?”
I cringe. “Please don’t.”
“But you know your sister’s objectively hot, right?”
“Just, please, don’t.”
“My point is that loving Josh the way I do means I genuinely want him to be happy—which means I want him to be with Kat.Of course. Any moron can see Josh and Kat have the kind of epic love story anyone, including me, would kill to have.” She quickly glances at her watch. “Shit. I’ve gotta go. I never should have done this.”
