“No I didn’t, I was just busy at work—”
“Did you tell him that?”
“Well, no. I didn’t really say anything. I was upset.”
Matt makes a face. “When was his divorce?”
“Recently, I think.”
“My older brother was traumatized after his divorce,” he says. “It’s been three years and he still hasn’t been on a date.”
“So basically,” Cara says, “this guy’s trying to get back out there after a devastating divorce, and you go and blow him off.”
“Iblowhimoff?” I think back to his six text messages—and my single two-word response. Do I have this all wrong? WasIthe jerk? “Oh my God. Do you really think that’s what happened?”
Jude nods. “Definitely. Girls think we have it so easy, but the truth is, getting shot down by someone you really like fucking sucks.”
A wave of guilt—or gin, more likely—courses through me.Ihad burst into tears when I thought Finn had rejected me just a few hours ago, so of course I can understand why he’d be hurt. “What do I do?” I ask. “Call him?”
“No. You bruised his ego. You need a grand gesture.” Cara points at me. “You should go over to his place.”
“But he told me not to come.”
“Of course he did.” Benny nods. “He’s proud. You have to prove you’re really interested and not planning to screw him over.”
“Just planning to screw him,” Cara chirps.
“If a hot chick showed up on my doorstep to screw in the middle of the night,” Matt says, “I’d think I’d died and gone to heaven.”
“Really?” I ask.
Jude puts his hand on the back of my stool, his fingers mere inches from my ass. “If he doesn’t invite you in, he’s a loser. Better to find out he’s a loser now rather than later.”
I take another generous sip of my drink, feeling suddenly warm. I want to remove my sweater like I had last night for Finn’s camera. For Finn. And having Jude’s hand near me is reminding me of Finn’s, all the things they did to me . . . and to himself.
Did I make a mistake assuming he was no longer interested? I have limited experience with men as it is—I know virtually nothing about divorce. I should’ve been more sensitive. I slide off my stool. “I’m going over there.”
The four of them applaud. “Good girl,” Cara says. “If he turns you down, come right back here. We’ll be waiting.”
If he turns me down, I’m certain I won’t be going anywhere but right to bed so I can crawl under the covers for the rest of the weekend and drown myself in tears.
15
Outside, the cool air is refreshing, but not jarring enough to kill my buzz. I don’t even put on my coat, just wave down a passing cab and give him Finn’s address. On the ride over, I lower the window, unusually warm from the alcohol. I take off my mittens. I ask the driver where he’s from. When I’ve exhausted all the ways to distract myself from what I’m doing, I get out my phone. Looking at Finn’s photos of me makes me feel close to him. They have more likes and follows, but no comments.
As we get closer, my confidence wavers. Finn specifically told me not to come. If it was because I hurt him, I want to show him he has nothing to worry about. It could be something else, though. Something he doesn’t want to share. The only thing he’s been secretive about is his divorce—could this have to do with his ex?
The cabbie looks at me in the rearview mirror. “Well?”
We’re at the curb in front of Finn’s. I pay and get out of the car. The building has a keypad. I debate whether to wait for someone to come in or out. Buzzing his apartment seems almost more intrusive than just knocking on his door.
I’m not experienced in showing up unannounced. I’ve been on the receiving end of it, though. Just this afternoon, I talked to my dad about not respecting my wishes, yet here I am, doing the same thing to Finn.
This feels wrong. I open my messages and pull up our conversation from earlier.
I’m downstairs. I’ll go if you want, I just wanted to see you. And talk.
I don’t know how long I want to wait for a response. He might be asleep. Or worse, out. My Uber app tells me there’s a car two minutes away. As I’m trying to decide a reasonable time limit for my desperation, a bubble pops up to indicate he’s typing. I hold my breath until his message comes through.
