I trace my name in Sutton’s bold writing, getting a direct hit of warmth injected into my veins. The urgency to be near her trembles my fingers. I almost rip the thin sheets in my haste. A burst of sweet summer flowers and a mixture of my favorite fruits waft off the paper. I almost groan while burying my nose in the open pages. Damn, I miss her.
A pang reverberates across my ribs with a shallow breath. She scrawled my name in a ridiculous loopy style along the top. The sight makes me grin. My girl put some effort into this note. I enjoy another deep inhale and let her voice play in my head.
Hey, Gray.
I wish my first officially delivered love letter to you arrived under different circumstances. Yeah, that’s right. There’s been at least a hundred scribbled confessions of my undying devotion prior to this. I think they’re all stored in a box at my parents’ place if you’re ever interested. I was too chicken to admit that until now. No more secrets. I’ve always been crazy in love with you, Grady Bowen.
But I digress.
Remember when we first met? I’ll never forget a single second of that night. You looked so lost and sad. All I wanted was to hug you. That’s all I want to do now, Gray. I want to wrap my arms around you and say everything will be okay. It has to be. I refuse to believe otherwise.
I’d love to wave a magic wand and make all of this disappear. You could never do what they’re accusing you of. It isn’t fair that you’re paying a price for nothing. I guess life isn’t really fair. All of the hardships you’ve faced are proof of that. I’d take it all away for you. That could be one of my greatest wishes. You could live a life full of flowers and rainbows and peace without an ounce of suffering. Can you imagine the beauty?
Maybe we wouldn’t have crossed paths then. You wouldn’t have needed me, or my family. I guess we weren’t meant to have it so simple.
I can only hope you aren’t being treated poorly. But it’s jail. How good can I expect it to be? Should I assume the worst? That hurts my soul. I can’t picture you behind bars. Let’s pretend you’re lying next to me, okay? Close your eyes right now and reach for me across the mattress. Do you feel me?
I wish that were real.
I’m missing you like crazy.
Oh, Gray. You’ve saved me so many times. I need to do the same for you. Think of our happy somethings. That first one all those years ago. We were going to count stars until falling asleep and dreaming of flying. You always soar, Grady. And that’s not all. I’ve been spreading dandelion seeds with so many wishes. My dad is going to be so mad next year when a fresh round of weeds sprout up. I’ve lost count of how many. And I’m far from done because you know what? We’re only just beginning. Our hope and love will be blanketing the meadow more than ever.
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m still trying to figure out how this happened. You must feel so betrayed. It’s hard to imagine someone being so vindictive. Maybe it’s better that I don’t.
This won’t beat you, Gray. Don't let them shove you down. Keep your head up. I'm in your heart and mind, baby. Don't lose the light. The darkest days cannot keep us apart. Remember the love we create. Hold onto the warmth. Never lose sight of what’s just beyond reach.
I feel like I’ve just rambled on for three pages without any structure. But that’s my new normal. I’m wandering around without any sense of where to go. You’re my compass, a lighthouse in the dark sea, the only correct turn while speeding in the opposite direction. I truly am lost without you.
Come back to me, okay? In a day or two weeks or three months. Just please come back. I can’t smile without you. Breathing is a chore. Forget about sleeping. See? I’m a mess. But I’ll be strong for you. That’s a promise.
I love you, Grady Bowen.
I. Love. You.
Then, now, and tomorrow. Never without a moment.
Until I see you in my dreams.
XOXOXOXO
Sutt
P.S. This is a little something just between us. Use your imagination.
Her kiss is a bright red stamp in the bottom corner. The imprint is sticky to the touch. I can clearly picture her lips on mine. Just like her words are whispering in my ear. The second read through is better than the first. But after a third and fourth round/pass, the darkness creeps into the edges of my vision. When will I see her again? It will be months before I can even hold her hand. The thought is enough to drown Sutton’s message down the drain.
I crumple onto the dingy floor, slamming my back against the wall. Tears erupt from the very depths of me. I can’t dredge up the sheer might to stop. Crying in jail is a death sentence, but I’m already dying.
31
Sutton
Happy something #139: Dancing as if no one is watching.
Ineed to get out of Silo Springs for the night, or at least a few hours. Harlyn agreed to meet me at some sports pub off the freeway. Foster told us they have great burgers. I couldn’t care less about dinner. The escape is what I need. Almost an hour from home should do the trick.
That’s how I find myself pulling into Mad Jax on a Thursday night. The parking lot is mostly packed, but I find a spot in the middle row. I slink out of the low seater with a stretch. The long drive rammed a kink in the center of my neck. A quick roll of my shoulders alleviates a bit of the pinch.
