I fought the urge to comfort him with a kiss in case it turned into more. Who knew how long it might be before I could get him to open up like this again. “And what aboutsince?”
“Turning around the magazine the first time had been exciting. But during her final months, I took a lot of time off, and that was when things started to go downhill at work. This time, trying to save it felt pointless. I didn’t care, and I got complacent. That’s why we’re herenow.”
It was the most honest he’d been about the magazine’s situation since I’d met him. Sebastian and I weren’t so different, becoming other people for jobs we wanted but also needed to support our loved ones. “Have you ever wanted to do anything other thanjournalism?”
“In college, I thought I’d go into sports broadcasting,” he said. “That’s what I was working toward, but I would’ve taken any internship I got.Modern Manwas my firstoffer.”
“Have you thought ofleaving?”
“The mag? Not seriously, no. And with my reputation, I don’t know who’d wantme.”
“We’re working on that,” I reminded him. “And even if we weren’t, there’s life outside of this city. There are lots of publications that would kill to bring on a New York City bigleaguer.”
“I can barely picture life outside Manhattan,” he said. “Much less the tristatearea.”
“I hear Boston hassports.”
The corner of his mouth crooked. “I couldn’t. Reminds me too much of what I’velost.”
“But your sister’sthere.”
“Don’t remind me. She gets on my case about it. Wants us to clean out and sell Mom’shouse.”
“If you don’t want to go back there, why does itmatter?”
He shrugged a little. “It’s not my home anymore, but it washers.”
“Was she sicklong?”
“She kept it from us until she couldn’t anymore.” Remembering his earlier comments about how he hadn’t bared his soul to many people, I flipped my hand on his chest and laced our fingers together. “I got her on the most comprehensive healthcare I could once we found out,” he said, “but by that time, it was toolate.”
“That was when you made her thepromise?”
“It was one of our last conversations. Find someone who was good to me and to others. I wanted money because I’d never had it growing up, but looking back . . . it would’ve meant more to her if I was a good man over a wealthyone.”
“Youaregood,Sebastian.”
“Not always. I went to Harvard on a need-based scholarship, so to blend in with my wealthy classmates, I let things become important that weren’t. I thought that was the only way to get ahead, and maybe it was, but for what? My big salary couldn’t curecancer.”
“From what you’ve told me, it sounds like what mattered to her was you and your sister—and that she raised you right. Am Iwrong?”
He glanced at our hands and ran his thumb over my knuckles. “You’re never wrong, it seems,” he said with a small smile. “I suppose I’m the one holding onto her possessions for dearlife.”
“When’s the last time you werehome?”
“In Boston? Her funeral,” he said. “She passed in her own bed. I haven’t returned to the house since her body wasremoved.”
My heart ached for him. I squeezed his hand. “No wonder you don’t want to go back. And even though it makes me sad, I understand why those are the memories that’ve stuck withyou.”
“Most of the time, it’s the first mental image I get of her. In bed, taking her last breath. It’sweird. . .”
I glanced up at him. “Whatis?”
“When home is no longer home.” He sifted the ends of my hair through his fingers. “My sister worries I’ll forget my roots, but I can’t help feeling they’ve been ripped out of theground.”
My grandad’s health had been declining for some time, but I hadn’t quite come to terms with the possibility of his death. Losing my parents, though? And with them, my access to our family history, and any sense of home? Tears sprang to my eyes. “I’msorry.”
“You ever lostanyone?”
