Except thisone.
I should’ve been grateful she wasn’t fighting us anymore but leaving New York was a whole other issue. “All right,” I said cautiously, and prefaced my next question with, “I’m just asking this so I understand, not to challengeyou. . .”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“The options are either stay in your current job or accept the promotion andleave?”
Her throat constricted as she swallowed. “Correct.”
I could go with her. The thought came unbidden and wasn’t as scary as it should’ve been. Maybe not right away, but eventually, Icouldleave. What was stopping me? A job that hadn’t challenged me in over a year? A boss that no longer wanted me there? A city I wasn’t sure I identified with anylonger?
I failed to suppress a smile, surprisingly intrigued by the idea. “I’m not opposed to doing long-distance for a while. Where isit?”
Shewasn’t smiling. “Boston.”
I stared at her as the blood drained from my face. Boston was all at oncemine, and nothing to me at all. I didn’t want it anymore, but I could never extract it frommyself.
“Boston?” I repeated. “But I . . . I can’t gothere.”
She bit her bottom lip and didn’t respond, because there was only one way to answer. She already knew that. She knew I was done withBoston.
Tears glossed her eyes. I’d been wrong about her pulling me closer. Her palms on my chest stayed me, putting distance between us. “Sebastian,I—”
I took her wrists and pulled her hands off. “So that’s why you want this job,” I said. “Because you know I won’t follow youthere.”
“Ofcoursenot,” she said, shaking her head vigorously. “I had absolutely no say in thelocation.”
“Maybe it’s subconscious, but this is just another form of pushing me away. Of letting your fear win.” Neal must’ve really done a number on her. I’d been willing to pick up the pieces to ensure she never felt as small with me as she had with him, but how could I when she clearly didn’t want to even let me try? I took a step back. “I was willing to make this work no matter what, but I guess I should’ve suspected you’d find a wayout.”
“I thought I made myself clear this morning,” she said firmly. “This isn’taboutyou,Sebastian.”
“Bullshit it’s not.” Anger flared in me. She knew. SheknewI wasn’t ready, and might not ever be, to face my past in Boston. I was barely able to look at it on the Internet. “You’re running, and I can’t ask you to stay without sounding like a jerk. It’s easier to leave and blame it on an opportunity than put yourself out thereagain.”
“That’s not true.” She crossed her arms and then her ankles, warding off thecold.
I would’ve taken her inside to have this out, but I could barely stand to stay a moment longer. “I’ve never even heard you mention leaving. And I thought you were happy in the position you’re innow.”
“I thought so too,” she said. “But a lot has changed in the last couple months. In the lastweek, even. I want to be with you, Sebastian, but I need to try this. If I don’t, I’ll resent myself. Andyou.”
“I’m not trying to keep you here. You want to move somewhere else? We’ll figure it out. But not the one fucking place I can’t even bring myself tovisit.”
“You haven’t eventried,” shepleaded.
“Don’t.” I showed her my palms, and my hands shook with anger. “Don’t pretend to know what the last year has been like forme.”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you,” she said. “This is whatIneed.”
“I hear you loud and clear.” I sniffed, backing away. “This isn’t enough. Not New York, not your job, and not me. Sogo.”
“You’rethe one who’s scared, not me,” she shot back. “You can’t even bring yourself to question why you won’t sell your mom’s house. Why you won’t even step foot in a city you love so much that you light up when you talk about it, even when it’spainful.”
I couldn’t deny that. I hated that my hometown would always be part of me no matter how much I wanted to forget. I couldn’t escape my love for it, my loyalty to it, and still, it continued to hurt me. “I’m not willing to sell because it was my mom’s home. Period. It’s all I’ve got left ofher.”
She shook her head. “It’s more than that, Sebastian. It’s deeper. I know it’s scary, but you can’t heal until you faceit.”
I didn’t want to hear it. Any of it. What did she know about death? About losing not just a parent but a lifeline? A childhood? Healing wasn’t as simple as putting my grief on the market and walking away. I wouldn’t stand here and entertain the thought of forgetting my mother while Georgina made excuses to keep me out of her life. If she wanted that so desperately, I’d give it to her before I abandoned Mom’smemory.
I handed her Bruno’s leash, but she just stared at it. “Take it,” Isaid.
